MOTHER GWYNETH BRINGS SHAME to THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN!

mother g\

I know you see me
and are looking at my sheer dress.
I know that I should have worn panties and a bra
but my stylist always knows best.
Yeah, on the outside I may look sleek and bony
But on the inside, it’s all just Hollywood phony.

Cause I’m country strong
Sometimes right but mostly wrong.
Have you checked out my lifestyle blog–GOOP?
I have the best recipes for colon cleanses that will help you poop.

Now People Magazine says I am the hottest chick on the planet.
But when I go getting all righteous and condescending, my husband says “can it!”
Oh, I am starring in a new blockbuster called Iron Man III;
Go on my GOOP website for diuretic recipes that will help you pee.

I wore another terrible dress to the Oscars a few years ago.
That was another time I should have worn a bra, that I know.
Did you know my new cookbook made the New York Times best-seller list?
Jessica Alba also has a cookbook out now & I bet she is pissed.

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Haters may hate me and the jealous Church women who desire my husband can all just go to hell.
Because I am Gwyneth Paltrow and I think I am just plain swell!

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MOTHER GWYNETH SHARES HER PEACHY GOOP DETOX RECIPE!

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Mother Gwyneth has deigned to share one of her special detox drink recipes with The Church of Chris Martin.

This refreshing blend is not for the faint of heart. It is full of rare ingredients that will set you off on a hunt to find the exotic spices and secret herbs that Mother Gwyneth claims will clean you out and change your life.

Mother claims in her latest media interview that properly cleaning and detoxifying has changed her personality and made her easier to live with. Please make sure you stay near a bathroom the first few times you try this special blend.

No one here at The Church wishes you to have an “accident,” embarrass yourself or bring publc shame to the good name of Chris Martin by not being able to control your bowels! Drink up!

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PEACHY GOOP DETOX DRINK:

2 cup frozen organicPanama peaches
2 cups whole fat pure Hawaiian coconut milk
2 cups ground prunes, pits removed,
1 cup freshly grated organic dates
2 cups Fiber-All colon cleanse psyllium seed husks
1 scoop vanilla brown rice, hemp or pea-based protein powder (such as Vega, Living Harvest or Sun Warrior) (optional)
1 cup ground organic flaxseed
A few sprinkles of grated coconut (optional)

Blend until smooth and creamy. You will lose that pesky holiday bloat, improve overall digestion, boost energy, and strengthen your immune system. By cleansing your body, your marriage will be revitalized and you will stop yelling at your kids. Your sex life will improve, unless you are like Mother Gwyneth and don’t have marital relations with your put-upon husband anymore. Remember to stay near a bathroom and wear Depends or any other adult diaper, should you develop an intolerance to this “beauty regime.”

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN Welcomes New NOVIATE Group: The “CHRISUITS”

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Pope Francis has brought a lot of attention to his group, the Jesuits.

Well, now it is the Church of Chris Martin’s turn to toot it’s own horn and introduce the Chrisuits.

This is a holy order of noviates who feel called to lead a quiet, contemplative life of adoration and discipleship of Coldplay and all things Chris Martin. The group is about to prepare for a period of training and preparation that will discern if prospective Martinian monastics are prepared to take their vows of obedience to Chris. This call to the religious life is not an easy one. Long hours are spent deciphering Coldplay lyrics and scriptural texts. Celibacy is demanded of all Chrisuits and this one command is deemed indeed hard to live by since so many of the Chrisuits possess such a passionate love for Chris and Coldplay. But if you are called to lead a life of devout spiritual ardor for the band, than you must pray to be strong and avoid worldly temptation that the devil will surely throw at you for being a Chrisuit Martinite.

Once you have passed muster as a potential candidate for Chrisuit eternal glory, it is time to be ordained. The most promising candidates will be appointed novice masters in charge of training the newest recruits. Several Holy Elders have volunteered to become provincial leaders in the Church hierarchy and they shall reign as Supreme Leaders in charge of day-to-day life. Men and women religious candidates shall be kept in separate monasteries to avoid any untoward behaviors that might cast aspersions on the challenges ahead.

Please know that the Chrisuits have a special calling and must deny themselves to exalt Chris. If you feel that this is the work that you have been chosen for, please go to any Holy Elder or Bishop and ask for a written recommendation. Bring that to the next Coldplay Conclave at the Chapel of Chris and present it to Mother Superior of the order of Sisters of Chaste Virginity in Immaculate Conception for review. You will be contacted shortly for more information if you are found worthy of consideration for CHRISUIT INTIATION.

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Please note: all former members of coldplaying.com will need to pay a special penalty tax and do a forced repentance and recantation of their former behaviors while at coldplaying.com before applying for CHRISUIT training. May the Glory of Coldplay alight upon you and yours Amen.

POPE FRANCIS THANKS The Church of Chris Martin’s WOMEN for INSPIRATION

Catholic women hold candles and pictures of Pope Francis at a church in Kolkata

The pious womenfolk of The Church of Chris Martin have inspired the new Pope Francis to come to a holy conclusion: That women have a “special role” in the Church! Our dear female congregants prayed and held a special vigil to seek a spiritual breakthrough. That would be for the love that our beloved Chris Martin has for a pretty face and bony physique be transferred to the new Vicar of Christ as divine respect for the role of women play in the religious realm.

Our dearest Marian-worshiping friend in Vatican City underlined the role played by women in the Roman Catholic Church, saying they had been more willing to believe in Jesus Christ’s resurrection than his very own apostles and disciples!

“Women play a primary, fundamental role in the Bible,” the pope told thousands of pilgrims, including several chaste women from The Church of Chris Martin. Speaking to the flock gathered in St. Peter’s Square, our Papal pal spoke of a Biblical passage when a group of women noticed Christ’s tomb was empty.

“The disciples had a harder time believing but not the women,” he said.

“Women in the Church have had and have a special role in opening the doors to the Lord, in following him, in communicating his message,” he added. Just as The Church of Chris Martin has opened the eyes of the world to the wonders of Chris Martin.

Francis broke with tradition last week when he included two young women in a traditional foot-washing ritual to mark Holy Thursday when Christ is believed to have done the same to his 12 male apostles before the Last Supper. The Church of Chris Martin also held a charity fantasy foot wash where we raised money for the Sisters of Charity by offering a mock-up of Chris Martin’s foot to be lovingly washed and devoutly fondled by those who divinely donate.

Because of the ardent passion evidenced by so many of the prayerful ladies at our Church, we believe our prayers for an exalted re-examination of the feminine influence in religion is long overdue. The Church of Chris Martin would like to thank our Vicar of Rome for bringing attention to the wonderful opposite sex who have played such an important role in declaring the glory of Chris Martin to a debased, craven and hellish world. Amen.

Statue of Our Lady of Fatima

THE BLESSING OF THE EASTER FOOD BASKETS @ THE CHAPEL OF CHRIS.

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The tradition of blessing food at Easter time is a Slavic tradition that is common in Poland, the Ukraine, Russia and other Slavic countries. It is a centuries old custom rich in symbolism and something that the whole family can do together.

At this glorious time of the year, it is also a cherished part of The Church of Chris Martin.

Father Drobbingdon left us with an exalted teaching from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faithful in Chris:

“Bread of eternal life, nourish those who hunger for truth, freedom, justice and peace.
May our meditations on the spiritual merits of Coldplay act as succor and nourishment for our hearts overflowing with love for the Great One: Chris Martin. Following the talents of Coldplay means having compassion for the suffering, having a heart for the poor; it also means having the courage to defend our faith against the corrupt ideologies and heresies of the defiled ones: coldplaying.com. Trust in the truth of our Brit band and rapture in its interpretation and application of the divine lyrical word to current circumstances. Never waver in your faithful love of Chris and Coldplay forevermore. Amen.”

To celebrate the Blessing of the Easter Baskets, The Church of Chris Martin now has for sale in the CHRIS COMMISSARY, two new items that show supreme love for our Coldplay crooner: COLDPLAY VANILLA ICE CREAM and CHRISOCADO.

Proceeds from the sales of these organic, free trade, vegetarian items will go towards the Glastonbury Yellow Tent extravaganza that the Church will be putting together this summer to honor the band along the muddy roads to the Festival.

Please feel free to indulge in your love of ice cream and avocados, providing that doing so puts lucre into your beloved Church coffers. May your baskets be blessed to overflowing in the glory of Chris! Hallelujah!

coldplay ice cream

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SEVERAL CHURCH of CHRIS MEMBERS TREK to VATICAN CITY to SEE NEW POPE

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New Pope Francis received a lovely floral gift from an esteemed group of Chris Martin pilgrims who made the trek to the Marian-worshiper’s Vatican City to say hello to the new Pontiff. The new Vicar of Christ was so overcome with thanks for our beautiful tribute that the Holy See placed the bouquet upon the Golden Throne of Fealty as an offering of friendship.

Though the Church of Chris Martin ardently pleaded for our beloved Coldplay crooner to be considered for the Bishop of Rome honor, we shan’t be too unhappy since the Holy Elders and other high-ups in the Church seem to really like this Francis fellow. The Church issued this decree of support for their fellow spiritual warrior in Rome: “The Church of Chris Martin prays that the good Lord will bless Pope Francis with wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, fortitude, and piety, much like our own Church–which overflows with all those great qualities. May the Holy Spirit of Chris Martin unite all who labor for good with an abiding love of all things Coldplay.”

The Church dignitaries who visited the new Pope came home to find a wonderful display of flowers in the Church rectory that the Marian-worshipers sent over as thanks for honoring them with a visit from our wise ecumenical colleagues in Chris. The card attached to the gift revealed that the Pontiff expresses much delight in the music of our Great One and that he hopes we might put forth the good name of Chris Martin again for consideration as the Blessed Redeemer of Rome.

The Church of Chris Martin hereby proclaims new Pope Francis to be a Blessed Friend of our congregation and wise admirer of the wondrous wonders of all that is Coldplay. Hallelujah!

flowers

ANGEL APPEARS in the CLOUDS @ THE SPRING CELEBRATION of CHRIS!

angel in clouds

A divine occurrence, dearest Church members! At the Spring Celebration of Chris, a glorious cloud swept the sky and an angel appeared! This was a sign that the heavenly realm approves of our blessed honoring of the Coldplay great!

Whereas winter will soon be over and the beauty of springtime will enrapture us all; so is it that despite the hard, cruel world we live in; the magnanimous and cherished talents of Chris grace our world with hope for the future.

Here is the spring Novena we chanted upon sunrise at The Celebration of Chris:

“Oh, Gracious One of Coldplay, obtain for me which I ardently desire from the depths of my heart.
You who were so compassionate toward miserable sinners and evil abominations like coldplaying.com., regard not the unworthiness of those who beseech you, but the glory of Coldplay shall be magnified forevermore. With persevering earnestness we implore that the band reconsider their self-imposed 3-year hiatus.

praise to chris

The Church cries to the heavens to propel Coldplay back to the tour stage and studio to record more music. May the divine assistance remain always with us as we, the chaste and pious, always be a source of joy and be fortified with spiritual fruits. The Chapel of Chris offers a sincere supplication for assistance in helping the band get back to work so the world can continue to receive the Good Works their music brings. The Church cries out for the tender compassion and powerful assistance of this Coldplay Novena in that we have endured so many sufferings and hardships and need to be encouraged as we seek help in obtaining a favorable answer to our request for the favor we seek.

In the Sacred Heart of Chris Martin we find goodness and strength to carry on. Despite the coldplaying.com heretics and nay-sayers who constantly abuse our good natures, The Church of Chris Martin martyrs itself on the Rock of Coldplay Redemption. Chris–the lily of purity, ornament and glory of Coldplay–we salute you, great Musical Prophet, cherub of wisdom and seraph of divine love. In humility and confidence, the Church hereby requests you to cancel the Coldplay hiatus–we entreat you to remember the fans whose love of Coldplay is never-ending. Amen.

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