DEAREST Faithful in CHRIS:
I know this is hard for us to believe, but there are those out there in the world who DISLIKE COLDPLAY!
Imagine what kind of loathsome creature would despise the blessed Brit balladeers. But I have it on good authority that such people really do exist!
And the Church of Chris Martin is here to help these diseased vermin who are not fans of the boys. We are prepared to use the practice of FAITH-HEALING and THE LAYING ON OF HANDS, just like our brethren in the Pentecostal Church do at Revival meetings! We will cure the heretics and Coldplay nay-sayers of their wrong way of thinking.
Believers in Chris can always impart a blessing through the laying on of hands. We don’t need a prophecy or a healing or the impartation of a ministry gift. Sometimes the relevant thing to do, the thing that is most needed, is simply to extend a blessing to someone. And we can easily do that by sharing some kind words, perhaps also a prayer. But some stubborn souls need a little more work–and that means calling in the Holy Spirit and laying some hands on those who diss Coldplay.
The laying on of hands is not just to be done arbitrarily by believers in general. The context of the healing found in the laying on of hands is that it is to be done by recognized church leadership-(the Holy Elders.) This presbytery of church elders laid hands on Father Drobbingdon once, and a prophecy was spoken which said, in part: “…while you are teaching, right while you are teaching, the Musical Spirit of Chris will give illumination. And the Lyrical Scriptures that have an obscurity about them will become very, very clear.” Right then and there, Father became spiritually aware and could “see” the true glory of Coldplay. In the many years since that prophecy, I have seen that promised spiritual gift manifested time and again, for the edification of the hearers and not just our dear Father Drobbingdon.
In order to turn the Coldplay haters away from their misguided distaste for the band, it is imperative that we hold a special CHAPEL of CHRIS PRACTICE SERVICE. We must get the hang of the concept of something being transmitted by the laying on of hands. Practitioners must be in the flow of divine healing and call upon a divine presence and power towards correcting the filthy disease of dislike of Coldplay. If faith healing can cure blindness, deafness, cancer, AIDS, developmental disorders, anemia, arthritis, corns, defective speech, multiple sclerosis, skin rashes, total body paralysis, and various injuries, it can damn well help a heathen turn into a true Coldplay fan.
We will hold our special faith healing services in the Grotto of Coldplay. There, amid the Chris Martin Holy Water Fountain and YELLOW Star Flowers, the blessings of faith shall be called forth.
LITURGY of COLDPLAY REDEMPTION to the UNBELIEVERS:
“If we are sick, and ask for healing, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to the understanding of the Lyrical Canon of Coldplay Salvation, then Faith in Chris will “Fix You.” It appears consistent to apply every holy remedy that comes within the range of sanctification knowledge, and to ask for an anointed application to the healing of a soul not in homage to the glory of Coldplay. According to faith, I ask heal this sick soul. It is my duty to do, when I have it in my power. We lay hands on the sick and wish them to be healed, and pray that our faith is strong enough to redeem them. Let it be so. Amen.”