NEW CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN SONG: “SWAG for the SOULLESS”

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“SWAG for the SOULLESS:”

At the Sundance Festival, a Demon suddenly appeared;
and the good people of Park City quaked in fear.
For the Vicious Vagina had blown into town looking for free swag —
Courtney “Hole” Love is such a drag.

Yes, the gifting suites are there to cater to the trendy stars;
they attract greedy hipsters from near and afar.
What should descend–like a witch on a broom,
but the traveling Herpes infection–an ominous portent of doom.

The Hole chanteuse’s facelift looked like it needed some tightening;
the sight of Cobain’s “Widow” was truly frightening.
Love had her dirty grasping hands out for anything free
and probably stole some toilet paper when she went to take a dribbling pee.

There was a reason Courtney came to town to do a show;
the reviews from the Star Bar gig says her grunge fest blows.
But really the Vicious Vagina was only around to grab at the hand-outs;
Courtney’s Hole will always lack talent–of that there can be no doubt.

This soulless spawn of Satan belongs in the Lake of Fire;
The True Widow knows that Mrs. Cobain is nothing but a filthy liar.
But until then, this she-devil roams the world looking for souls to consume–
The Church of Chris Martin hereby casts Courtney Love down into the eternal flames of Hell’s tomb!

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LAYING ON OF HANDS to HEAL THOSE WHO DISLIKE COLDPLAY!

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DEAREST Faithful in CHRIS:

I know this is hard for us to believe, but there are those out there in the world who DISLIKE COLDPLAY!
Imagine what kind of loathsome creature would despise the blessed Brit balladeers. But I have it on good authority that such people really do exist!

And the Church of Chris Martin is here to help these diseased vermin who are not fans of the boys. We are prepared to use the practice of FAITH-HEALING and THE LAYING ON OF HANDS, just like our brethren in the Pentecostal Church do at Revival meetings! We will cure the heretics and Coldplay nay-sayers of their wrong way of thinking.

Believers in Chris can always impart a blessing through the laying on of hands. We don’t need a prophecy or a healing or the impartation of a ministry gift. Sometimes the relevant thing to do, the thing that is most needed, is simply to extend a blessing to someone. And we can easily do that by sharing some kind words, perhaps also a prayer. But some stubborn souls need a little more work–and that means calling in the Holy Spirit and laying some hands on those who diss Coldplay.

The laying on of hands is not just to be done arbitrarily by believers in general. The context of the healing found in the laying on of hands is that it is to be done by recognized church leadership-(the Holy Elders.) This presbytery of church elders laid hands on Father Drobbingdon once, and a prophecy was spoken which said, in part: “…while you are teaching, right while you are teaching, the Musical Spirit of Chris will give illumination. And the Lyrical Scriptures that have an obscurity about them will become very, very clear.” Right then and there, Father became spiritually aware and could “see” the true glory of Coldplay. In the many years since that prophecy, I have seen that promised spiritual gift manifested time and again, for the edification of the hearers and not just our dear Father Drobbingdon.

In order to turn the Coldplay haters away from their misguided distaste for the band, it is imperative that we hold a special CHAPEL of CHRIS PRACTICE SERVICE. We must get the hang of the concept of something being transmitted by the laying on of hands. Practitioners must be in the flow of divine healing and call upon a divine presence and power towards correcting the filthy disease of dislike of Coldplay. If faith healing can cure blindness, deafness, cancer, AIDS, developmental disorders, anemia, arthritis, corns, defective speech, multiple sclerosis, skin rashes, total body paralysis, and various injuries, it can damn well help a heathen turn into a true Coldplay fan.

We will hold our special faith healing services in the Grotto of Coldplay. There, amid the Chris Martin Holy Water Fountain and YELLOW Star Flowers, the blessings of faith shall be called forth.

LITURGY of COLDPLAY REDEMPTION to the UNBELIEVERS:

“If we are sick, and ask for healing, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to the understanding of the Lyrical Canon of Coldplay Salvation, then Faith in Chris will “Fix You.” It appears consistent to apply every holy remedy that comes within the range of sanctification knowledge, and to ask for an anointed application to the healing of a soul not in homage to the glory of Coldplay. According to faith, I ask heal this sick soul. It is my duty to do, when I have it in my power. We lay hands on the sick and wish them to be healed, and pray that our faith is strong enough to redeem them. Let it be so. Amen.”

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MOTHER GWYNETH PUTS VINEGAR ON APPLE’S THUMB to STOP the THUMB-SUCKING!

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DEAREST FRIENDS of CHRIS:

Here is an opportunity for you to pray for the healing of the Martin family.

“Gwyneth Paltrow is desperate to curb her 8-year-old daughter Apple’s thumb-sucking habit.

Our source reveals: ‘Gwyneth dips Apple’s thumb in vinegar when she sucks it too much.’

Yikes!” Yikes is right! Poor Apple is still sucking her thumb! (Well, at least the poor dear isn’t still wetting the bed.)

Perhaps Mother did not breastfeed the girl long enough but more likely Mother did not offer Apple a binkie when she was a tyke so now the child has an oral fixation on her thumb! The reason why many children continue to suck their thumbs long after toddlerhood has to do with the psychological needs of the child. The Church is concerned because if Apple does not stop the thumb-sucking, she will be at risk for dental and speech problems. The top jaw begins to form a gap in the front where the thumb is always placed causing an open bite. Other problems include a cross bite,crooked teeth, malocclusions, lisps, or a tongue thrust. These deformations must not occur to the angelic progeny of our Blessed Coldplay warbler.

Our congregation must ceaselessly pray for Apple to overcome this habit. Our spiritual intervention is important. We must not cast aspersions on Mother Gwyneth’s suitability as a mother or Chris as a father. Please go to your Chris Martin Shrine & light a YELLOW candle for little Apple to overcome the scourge of thumb-sucking.

PRAYER TO THE HEAVENS for the REMITTANCE of THUMB-SUCKING by APPLE MARTIN:

Gracious Heavenly Helpers and Exalted Souls of the Church of Chris Martin. Please hear our appeal for your aid to strengthen little Apple Martin and allow her to overcome her bad habit of putting her thumb in her mouth and sucking it like a baby. She is of the blessed seed of the Great One, Chris Martin, and thusly greatly deserving of the Church’s intervention in helping her overcome the sucking habit.

Allow Apple to gain the grace, discipline and strength to stop herself from placing her thumb in her mouth. Encourage the one who tumbled from the womb of Mother Gwyneth and is the first born of the Martin clan. The Church will hold a special faith-healing service where the pious and devout faithful will channel healing vibrations to the mouth of Apple which will anoint this sweet girl with the desire to no longer stick her dirty thumb in her mouth.

May the Glory of Chris fall upon you and may all blessed in the goodness of Coldplay consecrate his young daughter with a morbid cleansing of the desire to thumb-suck. It is done. Hallelujah!

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NEW COLDPLAY-INSPIRED SONG: “FROM THE DREGS of HELL”

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“FROM THE DREGS of HELL”

ONCE I WAS LITTLE MORE THAN EVIL SCUM;
MY MUM AND DAD ALWAYS SAID I WAS A BUM.
BUT ONE DAY I TOOK A LISTEN TO SOME COLDPLAY TUNES;
AND WAS SAVED FROM THE FATE OF ETERNAL LAKE OF FIRE FUMES.

LITTLE DO PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY ARE BOUND FOR HELL.
THEY LIE AND SIN AND THEY THINK THEY ARE SWELL.
BUT CHRIS IS HERE TO OFFER MUSICAL REDEMPTION;
BE BORN AGAIN IN COLDPLAY & BE SAVED BY A MARTINIAN CONCEPTION.

WHEN SATAN & HIS DEMONS START COMING AROUND;
YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO LISTEN TO SOME COLDPLAY SOUNDS.
THE WARBLING OF CHRIS WILL BRING YOU BACK TO GLORY.
AND YOU’LL BE SAVED FROM THE DREGS OF HELL & HADES FLAMING QUARRY!

AMEN!

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Most Holy Sisters of Divine Perpetual Adoration in Coldplay Start New Chris Martin Holy Water Business

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The Most Holy Sisters of Divine Perpetual Adoration in Coldplay are pleased to announce a blessed new business venture:

CHRIS MARTIN HOLY WATER!

This is just not ANY kind of bottled water, but free trade, organic water culled from the mighty green hills and valleys of Devon, England–land in which our wondrous warbler once roamed as an innocent child. Here, from the earth springs eternal, comes the living Coldplay waters of Chris. Our nuns take this supreme H20 and then bless it by exposing this bottled water to 100 solid hours of nonstop Coldplay music–thereby anointing this sacred water with the irredeemable Martian mark of goodness.

Lest our more devout followers worry that we are turning these pious nuns into working chattel, please know these Holy Sisters came up with the business proposal idea–to turn the Living Waters of Chris into a profitable venture that will share the glory of Chris in a (recyclable) bottle. The Divine Perpetual Adoration Order realized they too needed to come up with a plan to help finance the important work this virtual church does around the world to spread the Gospel of Coldplay.

Most Devout Holy Mother Agneta said “We are excited about our Chris Martin Holy Water project for so many reasons! It is a new, revenue building venture for us. It will help us to sustain our communal life of endless prayer and eternal devotion to Chris. Much of our eagerness stems from the divine collaboration between our sisters, the local Devon, U.K. community, friends of the Holy Monastery, and The Church of Chris Martin. We look forward to the entrepreneurship opportunities we will be able to offer many young women whom our Order hopes to welcome into the nunnery of Chris.

Chris Martin Holy Water is purified bottled drinking water using the free trade Reverse Osmosis process. Once the glorious water is bottled in Devon, it is then blessed by a consecrated 100 hours of intense Coldplay music exposure. Though the Chris Martin Holy Water is designed as a multi-faith product, each sacred bottle has a Coldplay lyrical quote message on the label.
A single bottle contains 16.9oz of purified Martian water. Each case contains 24 bottles.
We hope our customers use this most glorified liquid for many purposes than what we originally intended.

Take the water of Chris to friends in hospitals and hospices.
Use it to open up discussion about faith, music & Coldplay.
Donate some to our fighting men and women overseas for spiritual support.
Bless sports teams by using the sanctified waters of Chris for teams during sporting events.
Use it to fill the radiator of an overheated vehicle.

As you can see, the usages of Chris Martin Holy Water are many and the blessing unending. But I have a warning for those who take this Holy Water of Chris and use it in an improper manner!

WARNING! Beware of our warning:
“If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritations, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color, and oral and anal irritations.”

The Sisters of Perpetual Adoration thank you for all of your support. May the Blessings of Chris rain upon you and yours.
Amen.

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AULD LANG SYNE REMIX / THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN

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Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And days of long ago? NO!

For Coldplay will never grow old, my dear
For old long ago,
We will take a cup of kindness and praise our Chris;
For old long ago.

The Church cherishes the delights of the Coldplay band;
And pulled up the daisies fine,
But we have tired of the debauchery of coldplaying.com;
those wankers are brainless and guzzle the cheap wine.

We, the Church have paddled in the stream of Chris;
From this day Until Kingdom Come.
But seas between us broad have roared
Especially when the boys take to the road and tour some.

And there is a band, my trusty friend,
Who gives us the finest music in the land.
And we will take several goodwill draughts of the finest ale;
while coldplaying.com hides in mommy’s basement and does nasty things with their dirty hand.

And surely Chris will pay for your pint,
And surely he will pay for mine!
Because our Beloved Balladeer is filthy rich;
Yet we know his soul is pure and his songs offer us subliminal signs.

HAPPY NEW YEAR to those in CHRIS!
For old long ago!

2012 in review / THANK YOU to ALL FRIENDS of the CHURCH for a FABULOUS YEAR of CHRIS LOVE!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 7,500 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 13 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

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