Dearest Heavenly Cobain:

In honor of the homage and great spiritual exaltation we have shown you as the Great Grunge God out of Nirvana, The Church of Chris Martin now appeals to you for a most blessed favor.

Coldplay and Chris Martin–our beloved musical prophets–will soon require your otherworldly aid in helping to anoint another astounding COLDPLAY REDEMPTION when the Brit boys perform 3 sold-out Hollywood Bowl shows this coming May. Under the starry skies in La-La Land, the Church implores our most ordained Heart-Shaped Box to rain down upon the masses gathered to enjoy Coldplay, a most righteous and anointed LOVE BUZZ that  will coalesce into the ultimate COLDPLAY REDEMPTION.

We call forth the Seattle soul of the departed Cobain to prepare the Good Works that will allow for those worthy souls at the Hollywood Bowl to raise up out of their seats and astral travel above the concert to soar into the ether world of Coldplay omnipotence. Once safely back down on the earthly plane, we implore the Star of Cobain to transmit the other dimensional heavenly healing that only the Great Grunge Master can emit to the world at large.

The Church of Chris Martin must prove to the braying naysayers, the decrepit critics and the drooling jackals that inhabit coldplaying.com, last summer’s Glastonbury visitation and resurrection was not some silly publicity ploy or Church prank! We will prove to a disbelieving world, the power of Coldplay redemption and the glory of our Church devoted to Soul Master Martin. May the Star of Cobain burn brightly forevermore and pray for a undefiled Coldplay annunciation at the Hollywood Bowl in May. Amen.

Go in the path of Coldplay and sin no more.



From WikiColdplay: “Coldplay once again aims for a stadium-sized sound and achieves it on ‘Paradise,’ the second single from their latest album ‘Mylo Xyloto.’ While many of Coldplay’s best songs are built around the voice of singer Chris Martin, ‘Paradise’ makes a lasting impression before Martin offers a single word. The minute-long introduction builds with strings and keyboards before a slow, hypnotic beat enters the picture. Martin sings a third-person narrative about a girl whose life hasn’t measured up to her expectations. What the Church of Chris Martin wants to examine in greater detail: just who is “this girl?”

“When she was just a girl / She expected the world / But it flew away from her reach / So she ran away in her sleep.” Martin references the band’s last single with the lines, “Life goes on, it gets so heavy / The wheel breaks the butterfly / Every tear, a waterfall / In the night, the stormy night / She closed her eyes,” before launching into an epic sing-along chorus, “She dreams of para, para, paradise.” After a guitar solo, the song fades out with soft humming and a brief piano section, a nicely understated ending to a captivating song.”

In fact, “Paradise” is the most successful single for the band after the mega-hit, “Viva la Vida,”  and was met with a generally positive reception from music critics. On January 1, 2012–after 10 weeks on the singles charts– it was confirmed as #1 following consistent sales leading up to the Christmas period. Is it any wonder that a Chris(t) Martin song would do well during the period when the world pays spiritual homage to Christ?

“Paradise” cover art prominently features an abstract crayon piece that enmeshes differing (heavenly) shades of blue. There is the butterfly and an Archimedean spiral–both of which are recurring themes in Coldplay concerts, wardrobe embellishments and on the official Coldplay.com website. We shall delve into Church teachings on the symbolism of the Archimedean spiral within the oeuvre of the Martinite musical creation in a separate post. For now, know that this spiral representation is Coldplay’s attempt to link the archetypical symbol found in the art and metaphysics of every age of man to the meaning of their own music. I submit, one must strive hard to see beyond the mere superficial beauty of the album art, awesome “Paradise” song, and heavenly blue eyes of Chris Martin, to perceive an even deeper and complex meaning to what the song is attempting to say. Not meaning to brush heavy thought off, but that bountiful harvest of lyrical thought and ecumenical meaning to “Paradise” must await another Liturgical teaching event to come.

Suffice to say that “Paradise” has certainly done well for the band and MZ sales. It was prominently featured on the Brit X Factors finale, and then really began to regain sales momentum in the UK and skyrocketed up the singles charts. Only Coldplay’s massively popular 2008 number-one hit “Viva La Vida” managed to go higher on the charts. “Paradise” eventually made it to #1 in the UK, and became a top 10 hit in many countries in Europe. It reached number-one in Norway. Here in the good ole USA, the song reached #15 on the Billboard Hot 100.

When “Paradise” is broken down and looked at for ulterior meanings, similes, hidden metaphors, and strategically-placed lyrical prophecy, I believe one could say that Coldplay has moved forward in it’s march towards becoming the blessed band that will uniformly proclaim the prophecy of the coming Female Messiah. “Paradise” is another important piece of the band’s Revelations jigsaw puzzle built around a musical and ecumenically artistic subject matter that demands greater decifering for the religious themes creatively and strategically imbedded within.  More on that to follow on that subject.  Amen.


Pope Benedict has issued an official Vatican welcome to the resurrected Church of Chris Martin. Though the Holy See mourns the mysterious disappearance of our once-titular head, Arch Pope Father Drobbingdon, the Catholic Representative of God has announced he will unveil a most gracious EDICT OF PROCLAMATION that will ecumenically instruct the Catholic hordes and masses that our great Chapel of Chris is a part of the earthly brotherhood of righteous Chris(tian) souls of merit.

HERE IS THE PAPAL MISSIVE unveiled at this past Sunday’s ROSARY OF SAINTS:

“The geography of Christianity has changed dramatically in recent times, and is in the process of changing further. Faced with a new form of Christianity, which is spreading with overpowering missionary dynamism, we welcome our brethren and sistren at the newly resurrected Church of Chris Martin. Though mainstream Christian denominations don’t often offer the sly wit, outright defamations and satire-like ennouncements that this virtual Church does, that does not mean the Papal Roman authority cannot proclaim them to be less worthy of our brotherly affections.

There are terrible forms of so-called Christianity with little institutional depth, little rationality and even less dogmatic content, and with little stability. That is not the case here at The Church of Chris Martin. The Holy Elders are devout and pious souls of great intellectual promise and wisely steer their faithful minions forward towards even greater ecumenical glory. The women followers are known to be the most comely and attractive of all Church women and Father Drobbingdon once confided in me that they revere Chris Martin so greatly, that they feel like they have become “Chris(tian) prostitutes.” Despite stories I have heard of these chaste women along the sides of the muddy roads to Glastonbury and “studying Coldplay lyrics” with the rock stars of  various tour buses, I prayed to God and found solace with the facts here that bring praise to all who “come” forward for God.”

Holy Elder True Widow then broached the very serious subject about the on-going civil war with the coldplaying.com and how The Church of Chris Martin can respond in a loving and compassionate way to those coldplaying.com beasts who wank incessantly, are functional virgins and still live with their alcoholic mothers?

The Great Holy See graciously sidestepped this hot button issue and tried his Blessed Best to not impugn the dignity of the nitwits, jackals, idiots, and lame-brained blasphemers and infidels that reside at coldplaying.com.

His words of Vatican advise to our Flock of Chris: “This is a topic we have been dealing with for quite some time and I have to admit that sometimes it is a bit of a nuisance as well and given that it is such a pressing issue I now officially bless and sanction any Church actions necessary to alleviate the misery and useless utterances of infamy brought upon the Church of Chris Martin by any scurrilous actions and impure statements of defilement stated by the coldplaying.com heathens.”

It is the Papist intent that we continue to press forward with our chosen Good Fight against the demonic influences of coldplaying.com. Let me ask all members in good standing to take up our faithful crusade and unify together as one, not just in the “studying of Coldplay lyrics,” but as rightful spiritual warriors of the Coldplay warbler and battle for ultimate Coldplay internet victory as the one and only true virtual Church of Chris to be upheld forevermore. Amen.



I know you see me scratching that terrible itch. I may look like a wide eyed dreamer but in reality, I am cold, hard bitch. I just rolled off a tumble with Rod Lowe in my dirty touring bus. Yeah, on the outside I look fragile, but I really am just a wuss.

I like to call my Martin family a burden akin to a parasite. I had to drop out of “The Danish Girl” movie with Nicole Kidman, because I can get so uptight.
‘Cause I maybe a big Hollywood star, but I always am bringing on the drama. The nuns at The Church of Chris Martin say it’s because I have bad karma.

I am hoping like hell to do another juice master cleanse. There are so many herbs that I am taking, I have to wear Depends.

To keep my liver clean, I do shots of wheat grass & dandelion tea. I drink so much organic, filtered water, that I am always having to pee.

Red splotches on my body tell me it’s time for another colon hydrating rinse. The water going up my vagina reminds of sex with Chris & I wince.

Like the spoiled, entitled Hollywood brat that I was while growing up, now I am just a spoiled, entitled Hollywood wife who needs another detoxifying treatment of the Chinese Medicine Cups.

You may call me a GOOP fool and that I am. But at the end of the day, it is me crawling into bed with that Coldplay ham. Now that the garlic and black walnut hulls have done their mighty work, it’s time to go back to cuckolding Chris..cause my parasites are gone and I’m just a country jerk!

I get dry skin in colder winters and sunburn in the long summers without a drop of rain. I don’t mind exercising 4 hours a day. In fact, if I don’t do my pilates workouts, I tend to go a little insane. Push me out onto the red carpet with my designer shoes and spray tan; I always look so absolutely fabulous and I am my own biggest fan!
‘Cause my Parasites gone, I’m country strong, I look sexy when I wear a thong; if you think I’m a stuck-up, ice queen, you would not be far from wrong.


That loathsome back-slidden former Christian and embarrassment to her Godly minister parents, KATY PERRY, is hereby commanded by the Elders of The Church of Chris Martin to remove her wicked spirit of sexual temptation and unrepentant narcissism from the righteous presence of the Coldplay prophet, Chris Martin.

At award shows or otherwise, we, The Blessed Chapel of Chris, demand that the bosomy vixen and Hollywood divorcee-Katy Perry- not defile the magnificence of our Holy One by her devilish displays of comely pulchritude. KATY PERRY: your lot was cast with Satan when you married that Brit demon, Russell Brand. You turned your back on the pious faith your devout parents raised you up with. Now you are nothing more than another Hollywood Harlot and Jezebel–seeking to put your manicured claws into our Spiritual Leader Chris Martin. By your flirtatious behavior with the Coldplay warbler at the Pre-Grammy’s Music Cares Tribute, you have brought down the wrath of the Church of Chris Martin upon yourself and cast yourself into the waiting room of THE LAKE OF FIRE.

In the Bible, Jezebel was a powerful, wicked queen, and wife of a passive king called Ahab. She was a vain, false prophetess who worshiped the false god, Baal. Baal was the god of prosperity, god of Hollywood hoochies, and god of ambitious adulterers. Does this sound like someone you know, KATY PERRY?

Jezebel was a witch, and her spirit of witchcraft is alive today in this breast-flashing, unholy woman-KATY PERRY! The Church of Chris Martin must work to remove this Jezebel from the midst of the Blessed Martin. All in good faith and church standing are invited to attend the CAST OUT THE DEMON OF KATY PERRY LITURGY and MASS this weekend.

Gird yourself, Saints of Chris, for much spiritual work will be required of you and fervent prayers for the safety of Chris must be offered up to tear down the strongholds of KATY JEZEBEL PERRY! Be prepared for demon warfare! As a group, we shall bind and cast out the blaphemous spirit in the name of Holy Saint Cobain, and we will persist until it is gone. Expect high resistance, since KATY PERRY is a wicked, controlling (witch) spirit. There will be screaming and yelling before she is cast out. The shameless Jezebel  will try to attack you and call you names. Also, expect and ignore the Jezebel’s attempts to throw you off your game by flashing her breasts (like she did to the little kiddies on Sesame Street) during her exorcism & deliverance. Sometimes the spirit cycles unmercifully between being the attacker, and being a victim. This is to confuse you, so do not give in. Resist the urge to gawk at this Jezebel’s mammary glands and show of leg!

It is incumbent upon The Chapel of Divine Coldplay Love to free our Holy Master Martin from the grips of this Hollywood prostitute’s conniving insouciance and sexual zealotry. If KATY PERRY does NOT repent, then The Church of Chris Martin has no choice but order the dreaded Desanctification  Ritual! KATY PERRY will be banned for all of eternity from “Paradise–“Coldplay heaven!  The Holy Elders will ask that she be issued the dreaded WRIT OF CONDEMNATION! This Jezebel needs to learn the meaning of “HANDS OFF CHRIS MARTIN!” If Mother Gwyneth is too busy canoodling with prettyboy Rob Lowe at the Zoo in Santa Barbara, then it falls upon The Church of Chris Martin to put this California Dreamin Jezebel down! God Bless Our Sanctuary. It is Done!


Oh Mother Gwyneth, say it ain’t so!

All the tabloids are saying you’re creepin around with that pretty boy Rob Lowe!

If the Martin marriage is not all that it is cracked up to be;

please cut our Holy One lose and set him free!

For many pretty pious parishioners would love half the chance;

to Strawberry Swing with Chris Martin and do the naughty Yellow dance.

It was bad enough when you drooled all over Matthew Morrison on Glee.

You cuckolded our Paradise Master for all the world to see.

Dearest Mother, please go GOOP & take your marital claws out of Chris.

Hopeful women are lining up already to give him the big “Coldplay Kiss!”


~~Birthday Homily & Liturgy in Honor of the Great Coldplay Prophet Chris Martin~~

Dearest Beloveds & Heavenly Father:

Today we give thanks for the Great Blessing upon us born this day, March 2nd. Our Divine appreciation is for the Good Work Chris Martin is doing with His music. Through the Coldplay redemption, He has restored hope to a fallen world.  Let the sins of coldplaying.com never ensnare us with empty promises of passing joy.  Make us all One in Chris and always may our joy  be holy, and our Coldplay love of the finest purity and light.

Angels are heavenly beings who are spirit & intellect. When one angel glimpsed Chris Martin and Coldplay from the front row of a 1999 Christmas gig, the magical connection between the heavenly realm and a musical juggernaut was set in motion.  Jesus had once become a man and was born of the Virgin Mary. Now he sits in heaven at the right hand of God, but  His heavenly messengers scour this fallen world for worthy souls to exalt.

This is how the world have come to know and love our Prophet. Chris Martin, born on  this day, pleased God with his uprightness and beautiful blue eyes. But there are also powers from the Lake of Fire who wish to disrupt our Church of Coldplay Glory and stop the musical prophecy that Chris Martin brings forward. This is why Lucifer rebelled against God & Satan tries to screw your life up–because Jesus did not become and angel (like Lucifer.) Jesus became a human being and Lucifer could not stand playing second fiddle to a human being. Just like the whimpering jackals over at coldplaying.com who cannot abide the Rush of Glory to the Anointed Church of Chris Martin. To this day, Satan and his coldplaying.com demons hound The Church of Chris Martin unceasingly. We must gird our loins and strengthen ourselves with the musical shield of Coldplay to battle this despicable enemy of the brethren and sistren.

Our unending spiritual welfare is made bearable because among us, there are lights of life, like our beloved Chris Martin! His wonderful human nature, body and soul, is part of the very life fabric of our lives. He is our spiritual muse and divine purpose in life.  This is our destiny, Church–to give our testimony and uphold the glory of Chris, despite the provocations of our enemies. Even other fellow wicked rock stars like to run their mouths against our Soul Master, but by being stern and making an example of these drooling guttersnipes, we help to enlighten the world.

If we are caught up in the concerns of this wicked world–searching for some passing wealth or transitory power in this world, we will falter. What we really should be calling upon is the Holy Martin Spirit received from numerous Coldplay concerts, records, TV appearances–as in this morning’s wonderful GMA appearance– and the Glorious redemption experienced by the worthy few at Glastonbury this past summer.

Our great destiny is in heaven. But we have “Paradise” here on earth with Chris.  St. Augustine once wrote: “Our hearts are restless, Lord, until they rest in you.”  Only when we properly prepare for the heavenly glory, can our earthly lives be joined to Coldplay in excelsis. Then, our own Holy Joy will be complete and the world will behold our specialness.

The word, “holy,” in Latin, Hebrew, and Greek derives from the idea of “being set apart.”  Chris Martin & Coldplay, we seek to set apart to honor. One would never use a chalice from the Chapel of Chris for drinking cheap beer at a stripper bar because that chalice is “holy” &“set apart.”  Therefore, precious ones, Happy Birthday to our most wonderful Chris Martin, who is set apart by the angels for much earthly Good Works–both musically & spiritually. May our great appreciation for His precious birth today send all Church spirits soaring. Much thanks and love to Chris’s mum and dad for conceiving this Most Holy One who is and will always be Our “Yellow” Star!   Amen.