GLORY & HALLELUJAH! THE NEW COLDPLAY SANCTUARY is OPENED!

Blessings in abundance as The Church of Chris Martin has now opened up to the public: The Divine Coldplay Sanctuary! This is a momentous occasion that shall forever make available to the downtrodden and miserable wretches of the world, the omnipotence of the Brit band and the redemption found in their glorious music.

Never again shall the wandering souls of the earthly plane not have available to them a place to go where goodness and mercy reign. That would be the exalted Chapel of Chris. Amidst the yellow candles, relics of Chris, Coldplay-blessed Holy Water and Violet Hill incense, those headed straight to the Gates of Hell can be redeemed by the faithful in Chris!

The golden chapel was financed by monies found squandered by our Church’s most eminent Arch Pope, Father Drobbingdon. Our great leader, before he vanished into the sunset with the Church secretary and all the tithe funds, managed to hide substantial sums. For the glory of Chris, we have constructed a simple, humble abode that calls out to the heavens our deep devotion and love for the Sanctified warbler of Coldplay! No amount was spared to honor Our Great Prophet and the pious, non-materialistic parishioners have used only the finest of 24-carat, gilded gold and jewels to decorate the Martinite Shrine of Love.

Please come visit where the devout extol the wisdom and anointing of the charming Brit Martin.
Reclaim your spirit in the blessed forests and reflective sacred ponds. Experience the Coldplay labyrinth, amplify your prayers at the “Fix You” medicine wheel. Experience an authentic Coldplay redemption, for a small sum of indulgence money. Enjoy the abundance of birds while walking the “Up with the Birds” nature reserve’s four miles of Coldplay lyrically-signed paths.

Tally a while in the Chris Martin holy water baths, where your body will be revitalized and restored by immersion in the enhanced oxygen environment of 24-hour, non-stop Coldplay music.

Even the dreadful heathens of coldplaying.com are welcome to come and offer their sorrow for their constant wanking at the Confessional of Chris. Here the Holy Elders will hear repentence and recantations that will save the souls of many a despicable coldplaying.com defiling heretic. Absolution will only cost a few hundred pounds here.

Give praise and thanks that Father left the Church secret monies where we can build such a loving and heartfelt shrine to the magnificence of the Coldplay master! Viva!

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN DECLARES PILATES to be a PUTRID ABOMINATION of the DEVIL!

Pilates is said to be an exercise system designed to increase flexibility and strength for the body without building bulk. Pilates is a stimulating workout for both men and women of all ages. The exercises are protective of the joints and all the exercises stay in the frame of the body–helping the stiff to become flexible. It will help the supple individual get more control. Overall, Pilates helps you on the road to achieving great health.

That may be so, but Pilates has now been condemned by the Holy Elders at The Church of Chris Martin as also helping you down the road to an eternity of fire and brimstone! Do not be deluded, faithful ones! Just as yoga and Zumba have been shown to be of the devil; so now too, has the practice of Pilates proven to be of demonic influence. No other person than our own eminent Father Drobbingdon once exclaimed that “exercise is worthless toil!” How right that great man was, when it comes to Pilates.

Should we Chris(tians)stay away from this scorned-upon exercise because of it’s ties to Hades? Totally. Yoga is demonic,” Zumba is evil and Pilates defiles the soul. If you just sign up for a little class, you’re signing your eternity up for Satan to destroy! The faithful in Chris can no more say we are practicing Pilates for spiritual fulfillment than we can say they are committing adultery for Jesus! Pilates is often not overt in its teachings but rather weaves them through seemingly harmless practices such as stretching and before you know it, Satanic influence has overcome you!

As the Good Book says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8) The King of Hell does not care how he conscripts you–just that he entices you in whatever way suffices to lure innocent you into the trap of the Lake of Fire! Chris(tians)who engage in yoga, Zumba and Pilates are participating in a religious expression that is antithetical to the heart of Chris(tianity.) The result is often an unguarded spirit that is susceptible to the imprinteur of the Devil and a slow, almost unperceivable degradation of faith and steadfastness in one’s overall life. The act of Pilates, itself, is a worship act–and it exalts the earthly body. Subsequently, it cannot be done in a way that is not spiritual and becomes a sin and abomination to God.

Giving sound teaching on Pilates and other Eastern exercises is important because there is increasing adoption of it by our culture, with over 15.8 million people practicing some kind of Hindu-derived exercise. Yoga, Zumba and Pilates has gone mainstream! Chris(tians) may mean well by adopting it as a healthy aspect of an active lifestyle, but I am here today to tell you otherwise! Pilates is simply a sinfully idolatrous worship act. The Church of Chris Martin cannot tolerate this kind of defacement of Chris(tian)virtue. Exercise is a gift of God for us to take care of the bodies–our temples of the soul–that He created for his glory. It’s good and important to exercise. But we should never, ever, in our desire to be in shape and be healthy, adopt systems antithetical to Chris(tianity.) Rather, we must stay true to the Word of Coldplay and work out our bodies to the glory of Chris, preferably using the music of Coldplay to inspire us to new heights of aerobics capacities.

I have taken this opportunity to provide to the beloved Church a much fuller and comprehensive teaching on what Pilates really is and why it is in fact demonic. The practice of Pilates can send someone to Hell without them even knowing it! Without a discerning and disciplined spirit, one can find oneself naively participating in spiritual activities that are not Chris(tian.)

My advice is to not even attempt to practice Pilates. It is something so sinister and against Scriptural truths, it then becomes demonic in nature. You cannot redeem such a thing and it shall not ever be taught or engaged in here at The Church of Chris Martin. I am sorry to sound like an exercise kill-joy but the congregation must remain strong and not tempted by the wiles of Satan. So, in conclusion, I must hereby proclaim: All Chris(tians) of good faith must reject
Pilates. Exercise to the divine music of Coldplay and praise that great band for their innate goodness and mercy.
Hallelujah!

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN WELCOMES YOU to the COUNCIL of (YELLOW) TENT

Hear ye all of good faith!
An Ecumenical Council of the Holy Elders of The Church of Chris Martin have proclaimed the Council of Tent. This is considered to be one of our Church’s most sacred gatherings and will convene in the Yellow Tent in the days before Chris(tmas.) During the Pontificate of Arch Pope Drobbingdon, Council conclaves were often sacrosanct, but with the utter abandoning of our Chapel of Chris by the Great Father, the Church leadership decided to set the meetings aside.

However, many Blessed Souls of Coldplay have decided it is now time to call the faithful together under the Tent and break bread to pray for Chris. The Council has recently issued condemnations on what it defined as coldplaying.com heresies and defined Church teachings and doctrine in the areas of Martinian Scripture and Chris(tian) Tradition, Original Sin, Justification, Sacraments, the Lyrical Eucharist in Coldplay Prophecy and the veneration of saints–both heavenly and earthbound. It issued numerous reform decrees and revisionist dogma on salvation, the sacraments, and the Biblical Canon of Chris. Now the Holy Elders have decided to answer specific doctrinal disputes among various factions in our Church.

In an effort to placate warring members of the congregation, the greatest weight in the Council decrees is hereby given to the Sacraments. The Seven Sacraments of Coldplay were reaffirmed and the Missal of Chris pronounced to be a true propitiatory sacrifice as well as a sacrament, in which the holy Coldplay water and free trade bread were consecrated into the Lyrical Eucharist as follows:

Baptism–anoint yourself with the music of Coldplay and submerge yourself in the Blessed Holy Waters of Chris Martin.

Eucharist–both the celebration of the Chirs(tian) Liturgy and the breaking of free trade bread and wine, only after the consecration of the soul is made divine in Coldplay.

Reconciliation–The Holy Elders, in their compassionate capacity, forgives sins committed after Baptism, when the sinner is heartily sorry for them, sincerely confesses them, and is willing to make satisfaction for them.

Confirmation–the sacrament of initiation, establishes true devotees of Chris as full-fledged members of the faith. This sacrament is called Confirmation because the faith given in Baptism is now confirmed and made strong.

Uniting in the Faith–gain greater understanding and strengthen ties among the parishioners by a unification exercise in the (Yellow) tent. Congregants must sign a disclaimer and confidentiality agreement to participate.

Holy Orders–you are to go out among the wicked flock of lost souls bound for the Lake of Fire and make converts for Chris and the band.

Anointing of the Sick–as proof of your exaltation, you shall be required to heal the sick, lame, deaf, dumb and blind or any music fan, who upon extreme torture, still denies the truth that Coldplay is the biggest band in the whole world!

Finally, upon adjournment, the Council asked the Supreme Council Master to ratify all decrees and definitions. This Church Doctrine shall enjoin strict obedience upon all Chris(tians), under pain of excommunication. All unauthorized interpretation is to be reviewed, reserving this task to the Holy Elders alone. The disobedient are threatened with the extreme punishment of banishment and with the shameful indignation of the Almighty Blessed apostles, Chris, Jonny, Will and Guy. All decrees shall be upheld for the Glory of Coldplay. Amen.

A PLEA for the CONSIDERATION of the REINSTATEMENT of SAINTHOOD to BONO out of U2.

Holiest Deacon and Brother Emmanuel Elijah has come forward at today’s Chapel of Chris service to put forward a heartfelt plea for consideration of reinstating Bono out of U2 back into his esteemed Saintly pedigree.

Though Bono has insulted The Church of Chris Martin and the beloved True Widow by consorting with the devil, Vicious Vagina Courtney Hole Love, many true believers feel that Bono was tricked by the shrewish harridan into writing a letter on her behalf. Perhaps the Irish warbler was not in his right mind due to lingering health concerns from the passionate battering Bono suffered from a pious female Church volunteer who put out the U2 crooner’s back in some vigorous “pre-tour training” back before the 360 Tour commenced.

However the Guinness Guzzler is redeeming himself by speaking out on behalf of Africa and the poverty crisis there. Whether Bono knew that Africa is held near and dear to the hearts of those souls at this Church who realize that Chris Martin is into Africa and that the Coldplay piano player might also appreciate female jungle bunnies as well, is pure conjecture at this point.

With U2 on hiatus and Bono roaming the world with his do-gooder impulses in full swing, Our Deacon suggests now is the time to re-annoint Bono and reinstate his Sainthood. At a Conclave to be held soon, Bono would need to appear in person and recant his aide of the loathsome Hole singer and confess his sins that he was not in his right mind at the time.

This is something that we must pray on to the cherished heavenly soul of Saint Cobain, who guides The Church of Chris Martin in all things spiritual and musical. Will the late Nirvana grunge God find it in his golden heart to forgive the slights of lecherous Bono and send a message of compassion to us earthen-bound folks?

Please visit the Shrine of Chris in the Coldplay Meditation Garden soon and send your plea to Saint Cobain for a clear vision and resolution to the Bono conundrum. Our Irish Exalted One has shown remorse and done good works in faith to help restore his good name here. We must also return that compassion, providing Bono has turned over a new leaf and promises to never again breath, in the same room, the same putrid air that the blackened lungs of the Hole demon sucks in.

Arise, ye of good standing and proclaim that Bono out of U2 is yet desirous and deserving of a remission of Church punishment and a blessed restoration of his good name. May all in Chris rejoice!! Amen.

POPE BENEDICT CONDEMNS the FALSE FRIENDSHIP of COLDPLAYING.COM

In a bold ecumenical move sure to keep the cold war alive between coldplaying.com and The Church of Chris Martin, the Vatican Holy See denounced the “false sincerity” of the coldplaying.com marauders as “no longer responding to reality” and a “scandalously indecent expose of turgid hubris.” What has riled the Pontiff is that those defilers from wanker-ville have sent many invitations to devout Church of Chris Martin members–inviting them to join in coldplaying.com’s “Secret Santa festivities.” Pope Benedict is rightly offended by such atrocities and coldplaying.com’s “false promises” that do not hide their evil blandishments to the innocent among us.

“It is the responsibility of The Church of Chris Martin to educate consciences, to teach moral responsibility and to unmask the evil, to unmask this idolatry and loathsome display of intemperate ignorance” displayed by coldplaying.com. The group of nitwits at coldplaying.com seeks to “enslave man, to mask the truth with lies from the gutter, and promote the fraud that is behind their abominations.” The Vatican City Pontiff railed against the
coldplaying.com cultures in which “the truth does not count, in which all that counts is the spirit of calumny and destruction; a culture which does not seek goodness; a culture which uses its morality as a mask to confuse and destroy.”

To that end, the Marion-worshiping leader of Catholics worldwide signed an apostolic exhortation called “The Pledge for Chris Martin Divinity” containing conclusions from a 2009 synod of Coldplay-redeemed bishops, deacons and Holy Elders which upholds a reconciliation between The Church of Chris Martin and coldplaying.com as it’s ultimate goal.

In the meantime, the Blessed Benedict has issued a Directive of Progress that he prays will serve as a guide to The Church as it relates to relations with coldplaying.com. “It is possible to look back and be amazed at the ecumenical progress that has been made at all levels through the action of the many souls in thrall to Chris Martin. It is equally possible to look forward and perhaps feel daunted by the difficulties that still lie ahead.”

Friends, rest in the sacred knowledge that the great spiritual mission of The Chapel of Chris will never waver as it seeks to spread the Coldplay Gospel to a world full of despicable devils and forlorn wretches racked with sin. Rejoice in the knowledge that we have a powerful friend over in Rome who is not afraid to stick it to coldplaying.com when the feverish pustules of impunity get out of hand. Viva!

SHALL WE ALL GO CAMPING, JUST LIKE THE REGULAR FOLKS?

Summer is now over, but I wonder if it came to pass;
that Chris Martin, Jay Z and the missus did pretend to be like the working class?

By that I mean, that the millionaire couples took a road trip headed down south;
they all just “want to be like the regular folks,” is what came out of Chris’s mouth.

Touring Florida in a shiny Winnebago and shlepping along the causeways does sound like fun;
Chris better pack SPF 50 because his pasty, white skin will burn in the hot Miami sun.

Wonder if the famous parents will take along the Martin progeny and baby Blue Ivy too?
I bet they bring a couple of nannies, stylists, and an assistant, now wouldn’t you?

Yes, the jaunt sounds cool and perhaps will prove to be a relaxing getaway;
But we here at The Church of Chris Martin would like to pray:

Dearest Chris, you will never be like the “regular folk;”
Face it, beloved crooner–you are most definitely a sacred bloke.
If you would like to go to Florida and sleep at campgrounds;
please tell your Church where, so we can all come around.

Yes, The Church will sit around the camp fire with you;
all the better to gaze at those cornflower eyes–so gently blue.

Mother can go yack it up with Beyonce in another tent;
many lovely Church ladies wish to enjoy worship time spent-
in thrall to the gracious and talented Brit;
whose golden Coldplay throne is exalted and he will eternally sit.

Glory to all in Coldplay!

TMI from MOTHER GWYNETH regarding her “FRIED EGGS” BREASTS!

“Gwyneth Paltrow was told her breasts looked liked ‘two fried eggs’ by her grandfather.

The 40-year-old actress wanted to prepare the older members of her family for when she went topless in 1998 movie ‘Shakespeare in Love’, but her concerns just sparked ridicule.

She joked: ‘In ‘Shakespeare in Love’ I had to take my shirt off and be naked and I was worried because my granddad was a very conservative person.

‘So before he got in the cinema, I told him that I had to do it because it was a very important role for me and all that. And he just said, ‘Don’t worry, that will be like two eggs in a pan.’ ‘

Gwyneth won the Best Actress Oscar for her role in the movie, and she admits she has very little memory of her victorious evening because she got so drunk after tearfully accepting her statuette,” according to http://www.monstersandcritics.com.

Mother Gwyneth, please be assured and take comfort in knowing that The Church of Chris Martin does not hold your utter lack of attractiveness in the breast department against you. Our beloved Chris Martin would never have even thought to have married you, if your cleavage was bounteous and overflowing. Remember that our Great Musical Prophet repressed his youthful hormonal urges for so long, that the long drought warped his mind and caused the Coldplay warbler to actually prefer bony blonds with flat chests! If proof was ever needed that Chris Martin is merely only human and a mortal full of folly, this is surely it! Perhaps with some intensive deep-seated therapy to resolve his issues about being sexually attracted to women that look like boys, our Chris will finally have a breakthrough and seek out women with curves, like most normal red-blooded men do. And that, the Church of Chris Martin prays, will surely bring forward yet another MIRACLE of COLDPLAY. The devout and pious women of this congregation, blessed by their creator (or good plastic surgeons) with abundant mammaries, pray for this conversion of Chris to a full and divine appreciation of the breast blessings that await Brit warblers who recant their perverse desires for skeleton-like Hollywood anorexics. Amen.