Blessings in abundance as The Church of Chris Martin has now opened up to the public: The Divine Coldplay Sanctuary! This is a momentous occasion that shall forever make available to the downtrodden and miserable wretches of the world, the omnipotence of the Brit band and the redemption found in their glorious music.
Never again shall the wandering souls of the earthly plane not have available to them a place to go where goodness and mercy reign. That would be the exalted Chapel of Chris. Amidst the yellow candles, relics of Chris, Coldplay-blessed Holy Water and Violet Hill incense, those headed straight to the Gates of Hell can be redeemed by the faithful in Chris!
The golden chapel was financed by monies found squandered by our Church’s most eminent Arch Pope, Father Drobbingdon. Our great leader, before he vanished into the sunset with the Church secretary and all the tithe funds, managed to hide substantial sums. For the glory of Chris, we have constructed a simple, humble abode that calls out to the heavens our deep devotion and love for the Sanctified warbler of Coldplay! No amount was spared to honor Our Great Prophet and the pious, non-materialistic parishioners have used only the finest of 24-carat, gilded gold and jewels to decorate the Martinite Shrine of Love.
Please come visit where the devout extol the wisdom and anointing of the charming Brit Martin.
Reclaim your spirit in the blessed forests and reflective sacred ponds. Experience the Coldplay labyrinth, amplify your prayers at the “Fix You” medicine wheel. Experience an authentic Coldplay redemption, for a small sum of indulgence money. Enjoy the abundance of birds while walking the “Up with the Birds” nature reserve’s four miles of Coldplay lyrically-signed paths.
Tally a while in the Chris Martin holy water baths, where your body will be revitalized and restored by immersion in the enhanced oxygen environment of 24-hour, non-stop Coldplay music.
Even the dreadful heathens of coldplaying.com are welcome to come and offer their sorrow for their constant wanking at the Confessional of Chris. Here the Holy Elders will hear repentence and recantations that will save the souls of many a despicable coldplaying.com defiling heretic. Absolution will only cost a few hundred pounds here.
Give praise and thanks that Father left the Church secret monies where we can build such a loving and heartfelt shrine to the magnificence of the Coldplay master! Viva!