Mother Gwyneth Suffers Mid-Life Crisis; Church of Chris Martin Prays for Her.

Mother Gwyneth: we pray for you.

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Many ladies of virtue here at The Church of Chris Martin share your suffering. 

It is not easy to go gently into that midlife night. Most especially if you have relied on your looks and attractiveness all these many years. 

The monastic order of the Apostolic Novitiates of the Cloister of Chris would like to offer a Prayer Service on your behalf. There, redeemed souls of the highest order would burn the Yellow incense amid the flattering photos of Chris and offer a Canon Mass of Coldplay; whereby the Liturgical Reading of the band’s lyrics would “Fix You” of your menopausal misery and extreme oversharing of such personal information as liking anal sex & putting jade eggs up your hoo-hah. 

The Church proper would also like to offer to hold your wedding to boyfriend Brad in our Chapel of Coldplay. That is, if he has managed to slip a ring on it, yet. If so, the graciousness of the Church of Chris Martin will be at your very disposal and we would aim to make the 2nd wedding of Mother Gwyneth an ostentatious event the likes of which have not been seen before. 

Mother, there is no shame in reaching out for help, as you are floundering in your mid-life crisis. Many a woman here has traveled down such a road before and came out fine on the other side. Perhaps a spell at the 24-hour Coldplay Chapel, whereby intense playing of the band’s canon of works whilst soaking in the Blessed Holy Water of Chris will stop what ails you.

Know that now the marital chains that bound you to our Beloved warbler have been broken, women of the Coldplay cloth hold no ill will towards you. Let us pray for the soul of our GOOP sister that she may overcome the hormonal agitation she is now experiencing. May it be done.

Amen.

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OCTOPUS THANKS MOTHER GWYNETH FOR SAYING THEY ARE “TOO SMART TO EAT.”

This morning at the Chapel of Chris Musical Service, a devout congregant spoke out about a vision she experienced while transfixed by the music of Coldplay. maxresdefault

Sister Beatrice of the order of the Yellow Virgins of Coldplay Adoration insisted that an OCTOPUS appeared in a apparition and spoke words of THANKS to Mother Gwyneth for acknowledging their brains and wanting not to eat them anymore.

“Octopuses are too smart to be food. They have more neurons in their brains than we do. I had to stop eating them because I was so freaked out by it. They can escape from sea world and shit by unscrewing drains and going out to sea,” Mother said.58d2cde21400008806070f75 This, perhaps is Mother’s way of drawing attention away from her recent shameful talk about anal sex. The ex-consort of the Beloved Chris Martin realized the wrath of the Church in his name was upon her and used the octopus story to draw attention away from her bathroom talk about things done in the dark. Octopuses the world over surely appreciate Mother coming to her senses and offering to stop eating them. However, the Church is not so forgiving, since that GOOP talk about naughtiness in the back end by Mother still has many virtuous Church members calling for her head or rather, her bottom. Still, the charity pinata bashing of Mother’s rear end held this past week brought in reams of filthy lucre to the Church coffers. These monies will be put to good use by the Charity Foundation that will offer relief to poverty-stricken Coldplay fans looking to afford the outrageous cost of a “Adventures of a Lifetime” concert ticket.” Never put it past the Church of Chris Martin to use filthy talk about anal sex to add to the tithe funds that seek to glorify our Beloved Coldplay crooner and namesake, Chris Martin. May the Hymn of the Weekend reign glory upon you & yours.