DEAREST CARDINALS and VICARS of the Marian-Worshipers in ROME:
HARK! The HERALD ANGELS of CHRIS MARTIN would like to put forward his illustrious name for consideration as POPE.
This lovely morning, the Holy Elders, Vicars of Chris, a Bishop of the Yellow Tents and the True Widow sought spiritual refuge in the Vestibule of Love at the Holy Gardens of Chris. There, the most esteemed fellows of The Church of Chris Martin prayed for guidance and discernment, whereby they could convey to the Cardinals and Holy Catholic Rollers in Vatican City, that Chris Martin should be in the running for Pope.
At 36 years of age, our Musical Prophet has plenty of good years ahead of him. He knows how to play the piano and can sing like an angel. He is beloved and cherished all over the world and can attract the faithful pilgrims to Arenas and Stadiums in every corner of the globe. Of course, the heart of Chris is golden, his is the sacred heart and his compassion for the lowly and outcast among us, especially his Church, is legion. Any adut male can be proclaimed Pope, but there is one problem: he cannot be married. Which really Chris is, IN AME ONLY. The Holy Elders received a transformational message from the heavenly realm while reciting the Litany of Saints. The word: ANNULMENT was conveyed and Church earthlings now have put into motion an idea to nullify the marriage of Mother Gwyneth and our Brit warbler. No matter that such a course of action would then make our Musical Master a single man! He then would be free to be anointed as the Vicar of Chris(t) and Bishop of Rome!
This shall not be easy as there are two angelic progeny that has come from the marital commingling of Mother Gwyneth and the Blessed One of Coldplay. However, The Church of Chris Martin has several indulgences that it can pay towards the Catholic “Charitable Funds” and request that the Cardinals put the name of Chris in the selection basket.
Additionally, Coldplay is now on hiatus for three long years and already we have devout parishioners clamoring for the band. If the Church could somehow install Chris Martin as Pope, we would be able to hop over to Rome and try and “study Coldplay lyrics” with Pope Chris in the Eternal City. It’s a win-win situation all the way around.
Please, pious ones of the Church, go to your Coldplay Shrines and light the YELLOW candle of prayer. Put forth every strong spiritual impulse to convey the hope and desire of The Blessed Church of the Coldplay Crooner to anoint Chris Martin as the Holy See and Most Reverent among us. Go in the faith and convert the ignorant, those who are abominations to God and the wretched refuse of coldplaying.com into true friends of Chris. It is done. Amen.