Blessed Supreme Deaconess & Exalted Holy Mother Christine Martine prayed today at the Virgin Shrine of Chris. This devout woman lit the Candles of Condemnation in preparation for the Church of Chris Martin to officially issue the dreaded WRIT OF CONDEMNATION on Mother Gwyneth. Because the Hollywood harlot is the mother of our beloved Coldplay crooner’s two angelic children, the Church will not demand perpetual banishment from the flock, but suggest an extreme corporal punishment be in flicted upon the bony GOOP-ER. The highest elders and top ecumenical spiritual authorities also strongly assert their displeasure with the actions of Mother Gwyneth. It was she that caused Chris Martin’s eyes to wander and commit adultery with anorexic hussy Kate Bosworth. It was Mother that caused dissension within the band when Chris Martin would go on tour and travel. The colonic-obsessed cleanse-manic Mother was not friendly to the other Coldplay bandmates and their families. Instead the snobby blond would only hang around with Stella McCarthy in London. In addition, the self-entitled Mother Gwyneth would starve her children, not feed them carbs and force them to eat weird organic items. When Chris took pity on his poor, needy children and fed them normal food, Mother would rage against him for spoiling the kids.
All of these terrible things previously mentioned have coalesced into what can only be termed an invitation to be cast out of the flock of adoration for Chris. Blessed Sister Bethany Madonna and The Council of Elders have concluded the following and hereby proclaim:
As the Sovereign Grace Council of Elders, representing the elderships that govern The Church of Chris Martin,we believe that Mother Gwyneth Paltrow has repeatedly and grievously slandered the good name of Chris Martin by her shameful behaviors and infidelity to our Great Coldplay warbler. We denounce as sinful and unbiblical–Mother Gwyneth, consort and spouse of Chris Martin and accuse Mother of demagogoury against the brethren. Consequently, we urge our brothers and sisters in Chris to avoid giving audience to any movie of Mother’s or do not partake of her evil GOOP website. Until such a time that she repents of this ungodly pattern, we hereby censure MOTHER GWYNETH as a ruinous tramp and cuckolding Tinseltown narcissistic who shall perpetually suffer the shame of this writ being served upon her for actions detrimental to our Holy Brit singer and his sacred Church of Chris Martin.
It is done.