Catholic women hold candles and pictures of Pope Francis at a church in Kolkata

The pious womenfolk of The Church of Chris Martin have inspired the new Pope Francis to come to a holy conclusion: That women have a “special role” in the Church! Our dear female congregants prayed and held a special vigil to seek a spiritual breakthrough. That would be for the love that our beloved Chris Martin has for a pretty face and bony physique be transferred to the new Vicar of Christ as divine respect for the role of women play in the religious realm.

Our dearest Marian-worshiping friend in Vatican City underlined the role played by women in the Roman Catholic Church, saying they had been more willing to believe in Jesus Christ’s resurrection than his very own apostles and disciples!

“Women play a primary, fundamental role in the Bible,” the pope told thousands of pilgrims, including several chaste women from The Church of Chris Martin. Speaking to the flock gathered in St. Peter’s Square, our Papal pal spoke of a Biblical passage when a group of women noticed Christ’s tomb was empty.

“The disciples had a harder time believing but not the women,” he said.

“Women in the Church have had and have a special role in opening the doors to the Lord, in following him, in communicating his message,” he added. Just as The Church of Chris Martin has opened the eyes of the world to the wonders of Chris Martin.

Francis broke with tradition last week when he included two young women in a traditional foot-washing ritual to mark Holy Thursday when Christ is believed to have done the same to his 12 male apostles before the Last Supper. The Church of Chris Martin also held a charity fantasy foot wash where we raised money for the Sisters of Charity by offering a mock-up of Chris Martin’s foot to be lovingly washed and devoutly fondled by those who divinely donate.

Because of the ardent passion evidenced by so many of the prayerful ladies at our Church, we believe our prayers for an exalted re-examination of the feminine influence in religion is long overdue. The Church of Chris Martin would like to thank our Vicar of Rome for bringing attention to the wonderful opposite sex who have played such an important role in declaring the glory of Chris Martin to a debased, craven and hellish world. Amen.

Statue of Our Lady of Fatima