Pope Francis has brought a lot of attention to his group, the Jesuits.

Well, now it is the Church of Chris Martin’s turn to toot it’s own horn and introduce the Chrisuits.

This is a holy order of noviates who feel called to lead a quiet, contemplative life of adoration and discipleship of Coldplay and all things Chris Martin. The group is about to prepare for a period of training and preparation that will discern if prospective Martinian monastics are prepared to take their vows of obedience to Chris. This call to the religious life is not an easy one. Long hours are spent deciphering Coldplay lyrics and scriptural texts. Celibacy is demanded of all Chrisuits and this one command is deemed indeed hard to live by since so many of the Chrisuits possess such a passionate love for Chris and Coldplay. But if you are called to lead a life of devout spiritual ardor for the band, than you must pray to be strong and avoid worldly temptation that the devil will surely throw at you for being a Chrisuit Martinite.

Once you have passed muster as a potential candidate for Chrisuit eternal glory, it is time to be ordained. The most promising candidates will be appointed novice masters in charge of training the newest recruits. Several Holy Elders have volunteered to become provincial leaders in the Church hierarchy and they shall reign as Supreme Leaders in charge of day-to-day life. Men and women religious candidates shall be kept in separate monasteries to avoid any untoward behaviors that might cast aspersions on the challenges ahead.

Please know that the Chrisuits have a special calling and must deny themselves to exalt Chris. If you feel that this is the work that you have been chosen for, please go to any Holy Elder or Bishop and ask for a written recommendation. Bring that to the next Coldplay Conclave at the Chapel of Chris and present it to Mother Superior of the order of Sisters of Chaste Virginity in Immaculate Conception for review. You will be contacted shortly for more information if you are found worthy of consideration for CHRISUIT INTIATION.


Please note: all former members of will need to pay a special penalty tax and do a forced repentance and recantation of their former behaviors while at before applying for CHRISUIT training. May the Glory of Coldplay alight upon you and yours Amen.