THE HIGH PRICE OF COLDPLAY CONCERT TICKETS A SPIRITUAL CONCERN BUT HELP IS AT HAND.

Blessed in Chris, be advised. A schism has arisen in the Church with several congregation members aghast at the high price of Coldplay concert tickets for the Head Full of Dreams tour.  Even the deplorable coldplaying.com has its heathen basement dwellers complaining about how much it costs to experience the Coldplay experience. “Quite expensive compared to previous tours, but compared to other touring artists its the going rate. Putting on stadium shows is not cheap, all the backstage crew having to be paid, logistics of shifting the gear between cities, the cost of hiring the stadium. But playing live is how bands make the majority of their money,” is how one coldplayer kvetched.

Our own group of devoted followers have also mentioned the high prices. This Church of Chris is not a wealthy one; although we are rich in love for our Coldplay warbler. When Father Drobbingdon absconded with all the precious and flattering picture of Chris as our figurehead founder was on the run from the authorities, he also managed to take every remaining Euro and Dollar that the church worked hard to acquire at various Glastonbury “Outreach” events. Indulgences charged to rock band members to “study Coldplay lyrics” with the loveliest of our church “ladies” suddenly disappeared.  “Good times” in the Yellow tents had amassed a fortune for our tax-exempt Coldplay charity and although local authorities have derided our tents as little more than a prostitution ring, we here at The Church of Chris Martin continue to insist that all means of fellowship are ordained as a means to get the message of Coldplay redemption out to a wicked and depraved world.

So, it is in this spirit that The Church of Chris Martin would like to introduce out $5 Kitty. No, this does not mean that Sister Kitty is now charging $5 to “decifer Coldplay melodies.” The Church has configured a donation box upon the Shrine of Chris in the Coldplay Meditation Garden. We ask all parishioners that can afford it, to put an offering in the box for those of us in Chris who cannot afford $200 for a decent ticket to receive Coldplay enlightenment in person.

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Our goal is to raise $210 in $5 bills whereby a needy congregant could apply for a subsidized Church ticket in order to attend these upcoming (and expensive) shows.

Now, by no means are we castigating the band for socking it to the masses with excessive concert pricing. This very well could be the last tour of Coldplay ever, if the threats of our Music Master Chris Martin, are to be believed. No matter. There is no price that can ever be put on the magical musical metaphysical magnificence that awaits those with a ticket to a Coldplay concert…that just might cost as much as your car payment or monthly daycare bill. Brush those worldly thoughts aside!  Your spiritual future is at stake! Get your Coldplay redemption while it is still on the road! Who needs food or rent money when our Beloved Balladeer is on the tour bus and selling out stadiums the world over? Get your priorities straight! Eat hotdogs and beans for a month in order to dine on the musical gourmet food that is our exalted nutrition.

The Church of Chris Martin feels the pain that is in your wallet or stuffed in your bra. We are here to help the downtrodden Church-goers who realizes that they may not be able to afford these last meaningful messages from Chris to our craven world on the concert stage. We are a resourceful Church, if not a wealthy one. Therefore, 2 businesses were born out of necessity in order to raise funds for those who desire the Coldplay assumption.

Virgin Mother of the Immaculate Conception in Chris has put her candle-making skills to good use in order to raise proceeds for the Coldplay needy. Come to the Yellow Shrine and buy a Yellow candle or two. These wick-burners have been blessed to have been exposed to Coldplay music nonstop for 24 hours or more. They burn in pious adoration of the Brit Boys and many have claimed they help to channel Coldplay messages when burned during “study sessions” of Coldplay lyrical metaphors.” Stop by and buy some today to help a disadvantaged Coldplay follower enjoy a “Head Full of Dreams.”

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The illegitimate daughter of our beloved U2 Bono back-breaker, Sister Lillith, has offered to bake Spanish Eyes Cookies in honor of her mother’s greatest endeavor of putting Saint Bono out of commission after he disparaged our Chris as a “wanker” and consorted in NYC, to the chagrin of the True Widow, with the Vicious Vagina–Courtney Hole Love. The Corpus Chris cookies partake of the spirit of the band and every delicious bite is akin to tasting the sweet soul of the cornflower blue-eyed warbler we adore. These delicious goodies also will donate 1% of the profits to the Scholarship Fund that penury patrons of our Exalted can apply to in order to reap the Violet Hill of Coldplay. In honor of our Heavenly Channeler of Messages from the Great Beyond that we Adore, ingredients are fair trade, gluten-free, wheat-free, dairy-free and meat free.

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Let it show to all the world that the Church of Chris Martin will make every effort to assist those fans and Church members who are unable to afford the high prices of the Head Full of Dreams concert tour. In order to avail yourself of economic aid, be a Church member in good standing and seek out a Deacon or Father in Chris to offer a full communion and contrition to absolve yourself of any sin involving membership in coldplaying.com.

The general public can attend a Church service and light a candle at the Shrine of Chris. Ask aloud that Saint Cobain in the higher realm approve you to be awarded monetary help. If the candle flickers in view of a Church authority, you have been approved for economic aide and can then go about preparing for the spiritual and musical tour de force that is known as the most amazing experience on a concert stage: the Coldplay Redemption.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

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DENNIS WHO TOURS 8 TIMES THIS YEAR ALREADY: THIS IS FOR YOU! COLDPLAY vs. U2?

Biggest band in the world? Oh, that is a tricky one. Given that Coldplay’s last album has sold millions worldwide, (double platinum in the U.S.), and U2’s last endeavor also sold well at first but limped off the Billboard charts fairly quickly while suffering a 40% decline in sales almost immediately. U2 cannot outsell Coldplay on the charts anymore.

And Coldplay would not be the kind of band to rub this fact into the faces of the Irish Guinness guzzlers. In fact, look at how gently Chris Martin is breaking the news to U2 that Coldplay is now the new top (sales) dog. The Dublin foursome took the news like the pros they are but then claimed that they still are top dogs in touring.

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Coldplay replacing U2 as the biggest “it” band on the planet is a fact. Our Beloved, Chris Marin and company are deserving of this honor if only for their acknowledged big debt owed to U2. The Brit ballad boys have always paid homage to U2 on a regular basis and cites them as an enormous influence. It is now Coldplay’s time to shine.

U2’s average fan demographic is older–probably in the 25 – 40 year old range. Coldplay’s fans are more in the 16 – 35 age group, and the fact that young people and kids love the band, think they are “cool” and buy their albums is what separates them from U2. Let’s face facts here, Bono & band attracts an older crowd.
U2’s tours are now more about a celebration of the band of the past, and the amazing music they have made for 20+ years. But their latest music is not grabbing sales and attention the way it used to. Coldplay has no such trouble which is further proof of Coldplay superiority. The wider popularity demographic of Coldplay over U2 suggests that both bands are powerhouse touring machines but Coldplay sells more albums than U2 and has a greater fan base variety and age group spectrum.

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U2 has established itself as one of the most prolific bands of a generation. No doubt about that. Over their career that has spanned five decades, the Irish ale chuggers have sold 22.8 million concert tickets to 625 shows and grossed $1.5 billion at the box office in the past 30 years, according to Billboard. They have toured extensively across the world and I will admit, they reign supreme on the concert stage. The Church will bow down to U2 in this regard. Our beloved Coldplay is indeed popular, but they are no match to challenge U2 when it comes to concert popularity.

According to a U2 vs. Coldplay chat page, Coldplay “is indeed one of the most popular concert attractions around the world. Despite that though, they are can’t touch  U2 in terms of concert drawing ability. But this debate has one very important component that U2 cannot ever challenge: Coldplay has the veritable powerhouse backing of the illustrious Church of Chris Martin.

The Church grew from just a few pasty-faced Scots venturing to the muddy fields of Glastonbury for a Coldplay awakening and took off like crazy to become the great musical and ecumenical force of it’s day. Pious and righteous musical devotees took it upon themselves to elevate Coldplay spiritually and in that process, they were blessed to then become enlightened in the ways in which an understanding and study of Coldplay song lyrics channels truths and revelations from the Great Beyond that will aid and educate all of mankind. Can Bono and his boys lay claim to anything like that?

Even more, Coldplay has the Church of Chris Martin women! These lovely ladies of the cloth of Chris worship at the Yellow shrine and are more than able to turn the mind of any fan or band member to become fans of Coldplay. They will use any means at their disposal to do that. Chris Martin and Coldplay have the comely flock of friendly Church females as their secret weapon. When Bono was mouthing off about Chris Martin–calling him a “wanker” and other insults, high Church officials did not forget. The True Widow took umbrage at Bono catting around with the Vicious Vagina Courtney “Love” in NYC & giving the blond shrew a good report to a landlord so she could rent a fancy apartment. She sought condemnation of Bono for such indignities and this misbehavior eventually cost Bono use of his back, when the Church chastised & punished Bono for these abominations. Many of the Church women are chaste Virgins and Women of the Cloth. But some non-virtuous Church ladies volunteered to subject the Irish blasphemer to some “pre-tour training.” This vigorous workout took out Bono’s back and sent him to the surgeon to medically correct the “discipline” inflicted upon him by our Church ladies. I recall the U2 tour being put on hold while Bono “recovered” from his “trainings.”  Here are some of our finer chaste ladies of the Chris Cloth for you to admire:

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Let us now summarize: COLDPLAY WINS in RECORD SALES & #1 ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS

COLDPLAY WINS WITH YOUNGER FANS & A GREATER VARIETY DEMOGRAPHIC

U2 WINS FOR TOURING

COLDPLAY WINS FOR HOT CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN BABES & ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL IMPACT

Therefore it is ordained, that while U2 can break out the tour buses and giant stage sets to roam the world, they are in grave danger of falling into career irrelevancy and retrograde appeal. They tour on the songs they sang & recorded over 20 years ago. Coldplay, on the other hand, have current hits and #1 albums; their fan base is younger, hipper and come in all colors of the rainbow. And most important, the band has as it’s spiritual muscle the most devoted supporters of the powerful Church of Chris Martin, which helps to channel the Coldplay message to mankind. The Church Facebook page and blogsite act as an educational tools useful to impart the great message of the band in such a way so that the common man or woman on the street can utilize and prosper from the Coldplay oeuvre.

Let the record show that The Church of Chris Martin officially declares COLDPLAY to be the #1 ROCK BAND IN ALL THE WORLD. It is written and declared that U2, while great at touring, was a spiritual predecessor of Coldplay, and for that we are eternally grateful. But U2 must face the truth that shall set them free: COLDPLAY and CHRIS MARTIN REIGN SUPREME and THE CHURCH Of CHRIS MARTIN hereby declares this fact to the heavens. Amen. Viva la Vida.

COLDPLAY RETURNS with our BELOVED CHRIS MARTIN.

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Coldplay Tour 2016: ‘A Head Full of Dreams’ Shows Get European, Latin American  ( & AMERICAN) Dates!

PRAISES ABOUND! Chris has not forgotten about his flock.

Our musical master gets down on his knees to pray for A Head Full of Dreams to guide him back to the sacred door that opens to The Church of Chris Martin.

Here comes a massive stadium tour–one in which our beloved troubadour said he might not ever do again. Yet the state of our wicked, fallen world put the wrath of Gwyneth into Chris and he has yet once again set out onto the road in which he can sing to redeem and inspire his worldwide flock.

The first leg of Coldplay’s 2016 tour will begin on March 31 in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Chris knows those South Americans are lusty music fans. Next the boys hit countries such as Brazil, Peru and Mexico before heading for a stretch of shows in Europe.

The European leg will begin on May 24, 2016, in Nice, France. Coldplay will then crisscross the continent, playing shows in London, Berlin and Stockholm before wrapping things up in Copenhagen, Denmark on July 5th.

Chris Martin &  Coldplay have announced 20 shows in 14 countries.  A North American tour is also coming, of which I am preparing to anoint seats for exalted members to partake in the spiritual ecstasy of our supreme channeler.

Many of our members have gone their merry way but a few devoted and fanatical followers are still here to continue the pious journey begun many years ago by Father Drobbington and the original gang who tarried to the muddy grounds of Glastonbury to seek ecumenical elevation at the feet of Chris & Coldplay.

 

It is a great day indeed that us mere mortals and church figureheads can look forward to another rousing and heavenly-inspired visit from out Brit boys and the Great One, Chris Martin. May the ultimate mercy abound on you and yours and the blessings of Chris fall upon you.