Blessed in Chris, be advised. A schism has arisen in the Church with several congregation members aghast at the high price of Coldplay concert tickets for the Head Full of Dreams tour. Even the deplorable coldplaying.com has its heathen basement dwellers complaining about how much it costs to experience the Coldplay experience. “Quite expensive compared to previous tours, but compared to other touring artists its the going rate. Putting on stadium shows is not cheap, all the backstage crew having to be paid, logistics of shifting the gear between cities, the cost of hiring the stadium. But playing live is how bands make the majority of their money,” is how one coldplayer kvetched.
Our own group of devoted followers have also mentioned the high prices. This Church of Chris is not a wealthy one; although we are rich in love for our Coldplay warbler. When Father Drobbingdon absconded with all the precious and flattering picture of Chris as our figurehead founder was on the run from the authorities, he also managed to take every remaining Euro and Dollar that the church worked hard to acquire at various Glastonbury “Outreach” events. Indulgences charged to rock band members to “study Coldplay lyrics” with the loveliest of our church “ladies” suddenly disappeared. “Good times” in the Yellow tents had amassed a fortune for our tax-exempt Coldplay charity and although local authorities have derided our tents as little more than a prostitution ring, we here at The Church of Chris Martin continue to insist that all means of fellowship are ordained as a means to get the message of Coldplay redemption out to a wicked and depraved world.
So, it is in this spirit that The Church of Chris Martin would like to introduce out $5 Kitty. No, this does not mean that Sister Kitty is now charging $5 to “decifer Coldplay melodies.” The Church has configured a donation box upon the Shrine of Chris in the Coldplay Meditation Garden. We ask all parishioners that can afford it, to put an offering in the box for those of us in Chris who cannot afford $200 for a decent ticket to receive Coldplay enlightenment in person.
Our goal is to raise $210 in $5 bills whereby a needy congregant could apply for a subsidized Church ticket in order to attend these upcoming (and expensive) shows.
Now, by no means are we castigating the band for socking it to the masses with excessive concert pricing. This very well could be the last tour of Coldplay ever, if the threats of our Music Master Chris Martin, are to be believed. No matter. There is no price that can ever be put on the magical musical metaphysical magnificence that awaits those with a ticket to a Coldplay concert…that just might cost as much as your car payment or monthly daycare bill. Brush those worldly thoughts aside! Your spiritual future is at stake! Get your Coldplay redemption while it is still on the road! Who needs food or rent money when our Beloved Balladeer is on the tour bus and selling out stadiums the world over? Get your priorities straight! Eat hotdogs and beans for a month in order to dine on the musical gourmet food that is our exalted nutrition.
The Church of Chris Martin feels the pain that is in your wallet or stuffed in your bra. We are here to help the downtrodden Church-goers who realizes that they may not be able to afford these last meaningful messages from Chris to our craven world on the concert stage. We are a resourceful Church, if not a wealthy one. Therefore, 2 businesses were born out of necessity in order to raise funds for those who desire the Coldplay assumption.
Virgin Mother of the Immaculate Conception in Chris has put her candle-making skills to good use in order to raise proceeds for the Coldplay needy. Come to the Yellow Shrine and buy a Yellow candle or two. These wick-burners have been blessed to have been exposed to Coldplay music nonstop for 24 hours or more. They burn in pious adoration of the Brit Boys and many have claimed they help to channel Coldplay messages when burned during “study sessions” of Coldplay lyrical metaphors.” Stop by and buy some today to help a disadvantaged Coldplay follower enjoy a “Head Full of Dreams.”
The illegitimate daughter of our beloved U2 Bono back-breaker, Sister Lillith, has offered to bake Spanish Eyes Cookies in honor of her mother’s greatest endeavor of putting Saint Bono out of commission after he disparaged our Chris as a “wanker” and consorted in NYC, to the chagrin of the True Widow, with the Vicious Vagina–Courtney Hole Love. The Corpus Chris cookies partake of the spirit of the band and every delicious bite is akin to tasting the sweet soul of the cornflower blue-eyed warbler we adore. These delicious goodies also will donate 1% of the profits to the Scholarship Fund that penury patrons of our Exalted can apply to in order to reap the Violet Hill of Coldplay. In honor of our Heavenly Channeler of Messages from the Great Beyond that we Adore, ingredients are fair trade, gluten-free, wheat-free, dairy-free and meat free.
Let it show to all the world that the Church of Chris Martin will make every effort to assist those fans and Church members who are unable to afford the high prices of the Head Full of Dreams concert tour. In order to avail yourself of economic aid, be a Church member in good standing and seek out a Deacon or Father in Chris to offer a full communion and contrition to absolve yourself of any sin involving membership in coldplaying.com.
The general public can attend a Church service and light a candle at the Shrine of Chris. Ask aloud that Saint Cobain in the higher realm approve you to be awarded monetary help. If the candle flickers in view of a Church authority, you have been approved for economic aide and can then go about preparing for the spiritual and musical tour de force that is known as the most amazing experience on a concert stage: the Coldplay Redemption.