chris martin necktie


As the Cardinals flocked to the Papal Conclave in Rome to anoint a new Pope, a curious thing happened.

A Coldplay fan and Friend of the wonderfully witty Facebook page: The Church of Chris Martin was surprised to note that an apparition suddenly appeared as the Holy Bells of St. Peter’s Basilica chimed. A visage of our beloved Coldplay crooner supernaturally manifested itself and this mystic phenomena graced the gray neck tie of our faithful friend.

Perhaps those who reside in the heavenly realm wished to make their desires known to our world: Chris would make an awesome Pope! He, above all other rock stars, can rid sin and evil from the grip it has around us in our modern life–(thus the neck tie.) Forget all those old Catholic goats who toddle into the Vatican gripping their rosary beads with old arthritic hands. We here at The Gates of Eternal Devotion to Coldplay seek to discern the symbolism inherent in this great exalted event. Much as the miraculous healing of the Potato-Headed Cripple and the stigmatic smell of roses that appeared on a used napkin that Chris once discarded after an organic vegetarian meal backstage before a show, this neck tie apparition will be heralded among the pious and devout Chris(tians) as yet another sign of the anointing of the Brit warbler as a spiritual powerhouse.

This miraculous Gift From Heaven–The Apparition of Chris– was to the Holy Elders a magnificent blessing from above. Many Church faithful and devout worshipers have prayed for a sign to declare the glory of Chris. Our prayers have now been answered. The Marion-worshipers at Vatican City would do well to chose our Chris as their new Holy See. The Chris Apparition shall also serve as a wonderful opportunity for promoting our virtual Church of Blessed Adoration and conscript and bewitch new followers to join our flock.

As of now, this neck tie is now lovingly featured in the center of the Chapel Reliquary, and this most holy relic will be on display for all to see and marvel at. It is with joy and reverence that The Church of Chris Martin officially proclaims this miraculous imprinting of the image of Chris Martin on a tourist’s neck tie as deemed genuine by Church authority. The Church may pronounce an apparition as worthy of belief, but belief is never required by divine faith.

Next, our faithful will pray for another miracle to occur: that would be for statue of Chris in the Chapel Garden to suffer a stigmata. The long series of sorrows which arise from the Divine malady of our Church of Chris enduring three years without Coldplay, as they are on a long hiatus–will culminate in a state of religious ecstasy that will cause a stigmata of Chris to weep tears of blood in a rapture of mutual suffering.


May those who seek the truth of Coldplay glory reign forever in a blessed revelation of supreme omnipotence. Viva!


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