THE BLESSING OF THE EASTER FOOD BASKETS @ THE CHAPEL OF CHRIS.

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The tradition of blessing food at Easter time is a Slavic tradition that is common in Poland, the Ukraine, Russia and other Slavic countries. It is a centuries old custom rich in symbolism and something that the whole family can do together.

At this glorious time of the year, it is also a cherished part of The Church of Chris Martin.

Father Drobbingdon left us with an exalted teaching from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faithful in Chris:

“Bread of eternal life, nourish those who hunger for truth, freedom, justice and peace.
May our meditations on the spiritual merits of Coldplay act as succor and nourishment for our hearts overflowing with love for the Great One: Chris Martin. Following the talents of Coldplay means having compassion for the suffering, having a heart for the poor; it also means having the courage to defend our faith against the corrupt ideologies and heresies of the defiled ones: coldplaying.com. Trust in the truth of our Brit band and rapture in its interpretation and application of the divine lyrical word to current circumstances. Never waver in your faithful love of Chris and Coldplay forevermore. Amen.”

To celebrate the Blessing of the Easter Baskets, The Church of Chris Martin now has for sale in the CHRIS COMMISSARY, two new items that show supreme love for our Coldplay crooner: COLDPLAY VANILLA ICE CREAM and CHRISOCADO.

Proceeds from the sales of these organic, free trade, vegetarian items will go towards the Glastonbury Yellow Tent extravaganza that the Church will be putting together this summer to honor the band along the muddy roads to the Festival.

Please feel free to indulge in your love of ice cream and avocados, providing that doing so puts lucre into your beloved Church coffers. May your baskets be blessed to overflowing in the glory of Chris! Hallelujah!

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SEVERAL CHURCH of CHRIS MEMBERS TREK to VATICAN CITY to SEE NEW POPE

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New Pope Francis received a lovely floral gift from an esteemed group of Chris Martin pilgrims who made the trek to the Marian-worshiper’s Vatican City to say hello to the new Pontiff. The new Vicar of Christ was so overcome with thanks for our beautiful tribute that the Holy See placed the bouquet upon the Golden Throne of Fealty as an offering of friendship.

Though the Church of Chris Martin ardently pleaded for our beloved Coldplay crooner to be considered for the Bishop of Rome honor, we shan’t be too unhappy since the Holy Elders and other high-ups in the Church seem to really like this Francis fellow. The Church issued this decree of support for their fellow spiritual warrior in Rome: “The Church of Chris Martin prays that the good Lord will bless Pope Francis with wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, fortitude, and piety, much like our own Church–which overflows with all those great qualities. May the Holy Spirit of Chris Martin unite all who labor for good with an abiding love of all things Coldplay.”

The Church dignitaries who visited the new Pope came home to find a wonderful display of flowers in the Church rectory that the Marian-worshipers sent over as thanks for honoring them with a visit from our wise ecumenical colleagues in Chris. The card attached to the gift revealed that the Pontiff expresses much delight in the music of our Great One and that he hopes we might put forth the good name of Chris Martin again for consideration as the Blessed Redeemer of Rome.

The Church of Chris Martin hereby proclaims new Pope Francis to be a Blessed Friend of our congregation and wise admirer of the wondrous wonders of all that is Coldplay. Hallelujah!

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ANGEL APPEARS in the CLOUDS @ THE SPRING CELEBRATION of CHRIS!

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A divine occurrence, dearest Church members! At the Spring Celebration of Chris, a glorious cloud swept the sky and an angel appeared! This was a sign that the heavenly realm approves of our blessed honoring of the Coldplay great!

Whereas winter will soon be over and the beauty of springtime will enrapture us all; so is it that despite the hard, cruel world we live in; the magnanimous and cherished talents of Chris grace our world with hope for the future.

Here is the spring Novena we chanted upon sunrise at The Celebration of Chris:

“Oh, Gracious One of Coldplay, obtain for me which I ardently desire from the depths of my heart.
You who were so compassionate toward miserable sinners and evil abominations like coldplaying.com., regard not the unworthiness of those who beseech you, but the glory of Coldplay shall be magnified forevermore. With persevering earnestness we implore that the band reconsider their self-imposed 3-year hiatus.

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The Church cries to the heavens to propel Coldplay back to the tour stage and studio to record more music. May the divine assistance remain always with us as we, the chaste and pious, always be a source of joy and be fortified with spiritual fruits. The Chapel of Chris offers a sincere supplication for assistance in helping the band get back to work so the world can continue to receive the Good Works their music brings. The Church cries out for the tender compassion and powerful assistance of this Coldplay Novena in that we have endured so many sufferings and hardships and need to be encouraged as we seek help in obtaining a favorable answer to our request for the favor we seek.

In the Sacred Heart of Chris Martin we find goodness and strength to carry on. Despite the coldplaying.com heretics and nay-sayers who constantly abuse our good natures, The Church of Chris Martin martyrs itself on the Rock of Coldplay Redemption. Chris–the lily of purity, ornament and glory of Coldplay–we salute you, great Musical Prophet, cherub of wisdom and seraph of divine love. In humility and confidence, the Church hereby requests you to cancel the Coldplay hiatus–we entreat you to remember the fans whose love of Coldplay is never-ending. Amen.

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THE EXALTED CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN Welcomes New Pope FRANCIS!

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HALLELUJAH! It is a glorious day! We have a new Pope friend over in Vatican City!

This one is a Jesuit! Just like Chris Martin–with a tendency towards a humble demeanor, modesty and someone not impressed at all with the usual pomp & ceremony! Pope Francis is a most cherished fellow spiritual warrior! His first stop after being proclaimed Pope was to visit Rome’s St. Mary Major basilica, dedicated to honoring Mother Mary. Pope Francis intended to pray to the Madonna “that she may watch over all of Rome.”

Cardinal Bergoglio chose the name Francis, drawing connections to the humble 13th-century saint who saw his calling as trying to rebuild the church in a time of turmoil. Just as our own Church of Chris Martin picked up the tattered remains of our virtual Chapel, after Father Drobbingdon abandoned us in a time of crisis and ran off with all the tithe monies and flattering photos of Chris. We have overcome much adversity and flourished at a time when many other Churches have fallen by the wayside. We attribute our glory and power to the greatness of our own members and the fact that we honor and hold dear the Blessed One of Coldplay.

The Church of Chris Martin would like to hereby issue a PROCLAMATION of WELCOME to our new Marian-worshiping Pope!
Here is the official LITURGY of a HAND in FRIENDSHIP to new POPE FRANCIS:

~~~The Church of Chris Martin~~~proudly welcomes new Pope Francis to the brotherhood of exalted spiritual members!
May our cherished mutual passions of proclaiming the GOOD NEWS bring us together in vibrant display of adoration. We, meek and humble souls of the Church of Chris Martin do hereby pray for Pope Francis and that his charismatic leadership of the Catholic Church leads to the peace and global unity we seek together with all other faiths, (except coldplaying.com) The Church joins our brothers in the Catholic Church as they welcome with joy, Pope Francis with renewed hope, and support His Holiness’ call for world unity and brotherhood.

In addition, May the Holy Father’s modest living, solidarity with the poor, and unceasing devotion and service to Good Works lead all humankind to an ever deeper oneness with God, Jesus, Mother Mary and Chris Martin.

In welcoming the new Pontiff and Bishop of Rome, The Church of Chris Martin officially declares Pope Francis as a gift from heaven… he is the choice of the Holy Spirit. Though our devout and chaste followers would have preferred an elevation of our own Coldplay crooner and Brit warbler to the Pontiff position, we acquiesce and defer to the Marian-worshipers over in Rome in their choice of the new Holy See. We applaud the elevating of a Jesuit to be the Vicar of Christ and many of our own faithful, with tears in their eyes, cried with joy when the new Pope was announced this week.

In choosing to call himself Francis, our new Pope linked himself with the much-loved Italian saint from Assisi associated with peace, poverty and simplicity. St. Francis was born to a wealthy family but later renounced his wealth and founded the Franciscan order of friars; he wandered about the countryside preaching to the poor and dispossessed. Just as our own Chris Martin wanders the world–calling his chosen people–the fans of Coldplay–to make the pilgrimage to arenas and stadiums worldwide–to hear the sanctified songs of Coldplay and perhaps achieve a spiritual nirvana and experience Coldplay redemption. At the previous Church of Chris Martin website, Father Drobbingdon, as he emerged from his existential despair down in the bunker, was inspired to pen a post about St. Chris of Assisi, whereby our beloved figurehead and leader compared the Blessed one of Exeter, Devon to that of the most holy St. Franics. Both share a cherished love for nature, birds, animals and all God’s living creatures –great and small.

So it is with pious love and admiration, that the righteous ones who witness to the greatness of Chris welcome to the fold, a wonderful new member to the world’s religious family. May the sublime anticipation of saving souls and guiding the Catholics in their faith arise upon our Pope Francis in a glorious annunciation of unity and devotion to those who aspire to the better angels of their earthly nature. Blessed are those who walk in the faith! Amen.

Jorge Bergoglio

PAPAL CONCLAVE: Consider the MERITS of CHRIS MARTIN for POPE JOB!

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DEAREST CARDINALS and VICARS of the Marian-Worshipers in ROME:

HARK! The HERALD ANGELS of CHRIS MARTIN would like to put forward his illustrious name for consideration as POPE.

This lovely morning, the Holy Elders, Vicars of Chris, a Bishop of the Yellow Tents and the True Widow sought spiritual refuge in the Vestibule of Love at the Holy Gardens of Chris. There, the most esteemed fellows of The Church of Chris Martin prayed for guidance and discernment, whereby they could convey to the Cardinals and Holy Catholic Rollers in Vatican City, that Chris Martin should be in the running for Pope.

At 36 years of age, our Musical Prophet has plenty of good years ahead of him. He knows how to play the piano and can sing like an angel. He is beloved and cherished all over the world and can attract the faithful pilgrims to Arenas and Stadiums in every corner of the globe. Of course, the heart of Chris is golden, his is the sacred heart and his compassion for the lowly and outcast among us, especially his Church, is legion. Any adut male can be proclaimed Pope, but there is one problem: he cannot be married. Which really Chris is, IN AME ONLY. The Holy Elders received a transformational message from the heavenly realm while reciting the Litany of Saints. The word: ANNULMENT was conveyed and Church earthlings now have put into motion an idea to nullify the marriage of Mother Gwyneth and our Brit warbler. No matter that such a course of action would then make our Musical Master a single man! He then would be free to be anointed as the Vicar of Chris(t) and Bishop of Rome!

This shall not be easy as there are two angelic progeny that has come from the marital commingling of Mother Gwyneth and the Blessed One of Coldplay. However, The Church of Chris Martin has several indulgences that it can pay towards the Catholic “Charitable Funds” and request that the Cardinals put the name of Chris in the selection basket.
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Additionally, Coldplay is now on hiatus for three long years and already we have devout parishioners clamoring for the band. If the Church could somehow install Chris Martin as Pope, we would be able to hop over to Rome and try and “study Coldplay lyrics” with Pope Chris in the Eternal City. It’s a win-win situation all the way around.

Please, pious ones of the Church, go to your Coldplay Shrines and light the YELLOW candle of prayer. Put forth every strong spiritual impulse to convey the hope and desire of The Blessed Church of the Coldplay Crooner to anoint Chris Martin as the Holy See and Most Reverent among us. Go in the faith and convert the ignorant, those who are abominations to God and the wretched refuse of coldplaying.com into true friends of Chris. It is done. Amen.

APPARITION of CHRIS MARTIN APPEARS on NECK TIE DURING PAPAL CONCLAVE

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A MESSAGE FROM THE HEAVENLY REALM APPEARS ON A NECK TIE WORN BY A VATICAN CITY VISITOR!

As the Cardinals flocked to the Papal Conclave in Rome to anoint a new Pope, a curious thing happened.

A Coldplay fan and Friend of the wonderfully witty Facebook page: The Church of Chris Martin was surprised to note that an apparition suddenly appeared as the Holy Bells of St. Peter’s Basilica chimed. A visage of our beloved Coldplay crooner supernaturally manifested itself and this mystic phenomena graced the gray neck tie of our faithful friend.

Perhaps those who reside in the heavenly realm wished to make their desires known to our world: Chris would make an awesome Pope! He, above all other rock stars, can rid sin and evil from the grip it has around us in our modern life–(thus the neck tie.) Forget all those old Catholic goats who toddle into the Vatican gripping their rosary beads with old arthritic hands. We here at The Gates of Eternal Devotion to Coldplay seek to discern the symbolism inherent in this great exalted event. Much as the miraculous healing of the Potato-Headed Cripple and the stigmatic smell of roses that appeared on a used napkin that Chris once discarded after an organic vegetarian meal backstage before a show, this neck tie apparition will be heralded among the pious and devout Chris(tians) as yet another sign of the anointing of the Brit warbler as a spiritual powerhouse.

This miraculous Gift From Heaven–The Apparition of Chris– was to the Holy Elders a magnificent blessing from above. Many Church faithful and devout worshipers have prayed for a sign to declare the glory of Chris. Our prayers have now been answered. The Marion-worshipers at Vatican City would do well to chose our Chris as their new Holy See. The Chris Apparition shall also serve as a wonderful opportunity for promoting our virtual Church of Blessed Adoration and conscript and bewitch new followers to join our flock.

As of now, this neck tie is now lovingly featured in the center of the Chapel Reliquary, and this most holy relic will be on display for all to see and marvel at. It is with joy and reverence that The Church of Chris Martin officially proclaims this miraculous imprinting of the image of Chris Martin on a tourist’s neck tie as deemed genuine by Church authority. The Church may pronounce an apparition as worthy of belief, but belief is never required by divine faith.

Next, our faithful will pray for another miracle to occur: that would be for statue of Chris in the Chapel Garden to suffer a stigmata. The long series of sorrows which arise from the Divine malady of our Church of Chris enduring three years without Coldplay, as they are on a long hiatus–will culminate in a state of religious ecstasy that will cause a stigmata of Chris to weep tears of blood in a rapture of mutual suffering.

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May those who seek the truth of Coldplay glory reign forever in a blessed revelation of supreme omnipotence. Viva!

BIRTHDAY OFFERTORY & SOLEMN LITURGY of THANKS for CHRIS MARTIN!

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THE HEAVENS PROCLAIM the GLORY of CHRIS!

The Church of Chris Martin proclaims the GLORY of CHRIS!

The Church prays on March 2 and gives gracious thanks for the birth of the Coldplay crooner.

Today is the birthday of the musical prophet Chris Martin. We, of good faith thank Mrs. Martin for the blessings her womb bestowed on this day.

In many cultures, the birthday of every person merits a celebration. Family and friends gather to wish the “birthday child” many happy returns. There are well-wishing, balloons, cards, cakes, candles, a favorite meal, there are gifts and jests–all the things that say, at least once a year, “You are special, there’s only one of you, we are happy that you exist.” So, it is for the good people at The Church of Chris Martin.

MARCH 2nd is a HIGH, HOLY DAY of CELEBRATION & THANKS for the miracle of Coldplay and the blessings of Chris.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our most revered and cherished song warbler. May you live to a ripe old age and keep all of your hair (and teeth.) Amen.