BROTHER ROB BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING ON DE-ICING MOTHER GWYNETH!

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Blessed BROTHEROB, he of the Great Frozen North, has written a post exclaiming to The Church of Chris Martin. the truth of why Mother Gwyneth’s icy veins are melting and she is schtumping every rich guy that comes her way! IT IS DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING!

At least that is what this ecumenical scholar can make out from reading the very dense prose of BROTHEROB’S diatribe against climate calamity and the end of the world.

He states, in so many words, that MOTHER GWYNETH cheating on our beloved Chris Martin is a symptom of climate calamity and that to stop the adulteress Hollywood hussy from laying down with men not her husband, we must do something to fix the terrible troubles that man has made of our Mother Earth.

I believe that BROTHEROB has deduced that our messing up the ozone level and overfishing the ocean–raping our MOTHER EARTH-has had an adverse effect on our own spiritual MOTHER GWYNETH! Just as her husband, Chris Martin is a musical prophet; so the colonic-obsessed Gwyneth is also a prophetess of the demise of the earth and is proving it by having sex with anyone but Chris Martin!

The overheating of the planet has started to melt the icebergs–home to the beautiful Polar Bears.
This overheating of the planet has also started to melt the blue ice that flows through the bony veins of out consort to Chris. Thus, the warm blood that curdles in the emaciated body of the well-connected GOOP maven has caused mayhem in the family home.

MOTHER GWYNETH has taken to riding her Vespa with her kids in tow to school and side-swipping school buses in the process. She is living dangerously because global warming is over-heating her. She recently went to Hawaii with our Master Martin and actually frolicked in the beautiful aqua waters of the Aloha State–trying to cool off. Lastly, BROTHEROB has insinuated that MOTHER GWYNETH is seeking out SEX with other men (like that billionaire she had an affair with in Miami who married Elle McPherson) and just last week–her ill-advising flirting with a Hollywood agent in a first class section of a plane flying from LA to NYC!

BROTHEROB, in all his innate wisdom, has found the source of a woman’s uncontrollable lust. I attribute this to his somewhat creepy habit of spying on druggie whores who walk the alleys of the bad areas of Vancouver. This Peeping Tom Rob had learned much about the female species from his knowledge of whore behavior. BROTHEROB is a master of HO’s!

The Church of Chris Martin offers it’s sacred thanks to BROTHEROB for his glorious goodness and sacred unveiling of just why the blond boob that has blessed our Coldplay warbler with two angelic children has suddenly turned into a raving sex maniac and cheating scoundrel who had cuckolded our beautiful prophet Chris Martin, and is fully deserving of permanent banishment from The Church on the grounds of adultery. May every female parishioner pray that the Music Master comes to his senses soon and files for a permanent dismemberment of his marital vows so that the many pious Church of Chris Martin virgins who swoon for the Coldplay crooner can start forming a line right now to put their names om a list of prospective future brides that possess a pure devotion and penitent purity so deserving of the Greatness of Chris Martin. AMEN.

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THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN PRAYS FOR MOTHER GWYNETH’S REPENTENCE

PROCESSIONAL HYMN FOR REPENTANCE :
THE CHURCH THUS TEACHES:

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The Church has the power to forgive all sins. This forgiveness of sins is a true sacrament instituted by our devout & pious adoration of the most holy of rock stars: Coldplay’s Chris Martin.

Sins can be forgiven–even those of beloved Martin’s wifely consort, Mother Gwyneth– only by the sacrament of penance. Sins can also be forgiven by absolution which can only be given by an authorized Deacon or by a series of indulgences paid with a sincere heart. The Church has the power to reserve certain cases for additional punishments, if deemed scurilous or an affront to the sanctity of Coldplay.

On the part of the sinner contrition, confession and satisfaction are required. Contrition is aversion to the sins committed. Perfect contrition remits sin even before confession if it is joined with the intention to confess. Imperfect contrition (attrition) is sufficient if there is confession, and is a good and salutary thing.

Confession must cover all mortal sins committed since baptism and not previously confessed. Venial sins, and sins already confessed can validly be confessed. The effect of the sacrament is recon- cilliation with The Church of Chris Martin and the remission of sins and eternal punishment.

As to Penance, if the Church of Chris Martin is to fulfill its divine task of saving mankind through the music of Coldplay, Mother Gwyneth will need to indeed cry out for mercy! She has been found guilty of the the breaking of her marital vows with our Great One by cuckolding Chris Martin. Stories abound that Mother Gwyneth has spend time asunder with several different men who are not her husband. She has breached the good will of The Church of Chris Martin by adulterous behavior. In order to forgive sins, Mother Gwyneth must submit herself to the punishment due to them who are remitted that they turn away from sin and turn in faith to a new path of righteousness.

Penance is something that stops the sin; yet a person who sins again, sins against The Church in whom the name of Chris Martin is sanctified. This continuing betrayal assumes the need for a ecumenical trial, with accusation, sentence and satisfaction. This is the curse upon which the continued Jezebel behavior of Mother Gwyneth will find herself: flagged a chronic and unrepentant adulteress who shall be condemned as a vile sexual deviant whose very conduct defiles the Church and brings shame upon the dignity and sacredness of the Chris Martin.

Hail, Oh Those Who Rejoice in Coldplay:
Guide of the wanderer and Singer of Truth.
Thrown on life’s surge, we claim thy care of our Brit warbler.
Save us from peril and from woe;
Save us from those who would bespeak ill of their marital vows.

May the Penance and Goodness of Chris cast mercy upon our salacious Mother
O gentle, chaste and spotless maiden Virgins in Chris:
We beseech you who in abstinence live:
Remind thy Mother Gwyneth of her duty to forsake all other men.

The price of her iniquity will be perpetual banishment from The Church of Chris Martin.
This shall be the ultimate penalty for her licentious betrayal of our Great One.
May the Goodness of Chris abound in you all who in good faith love Coldplay.

AMEN.