NEW @ The Church of Chris Martin! TEMPLE UNDERWEAR!

Dearest Beloveds:

Did you know that those Mormons out of Salt Lake City have “special undergarments” required to be worn when participating in religious ceremonies at their lavish temples?

I found out about this because I read about Republican U.S. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s “Magic Underwear.” If those cult members with several wives can have it, then so shall The Church of Chris Martin!

We now have for sale in the Church of Chris Chapel: CHRIS MARTIN “SHIVERS” named after the beloved song that Coldplay is loathe to play live in concert. These blessed under things have been specially anointed by having been immersed in a room where Coldplay¬† music was played without stop for 48 hours. After that, a high church official or Holy Elder sprinkled Chris Martin Holy Water on the garments and chanted the lyrics to Shiver 7 times.

For those not in the know about these knickers, here is what Wikipedia says: “Temple garments are a type of underwear worn by members of some denominations of the Latter Day Saint movement, after they have taken part in the Endowment ceremony. Garments are worn both day and night and are required for any previously endowed adult to enter a temple. The undergarments are viewed as a symbolic reminder of the covenants made in temple ceremonies, and are viewed as either a symbolic or literal source of protection from the evils of the world. The garment is given as part of the washing and anointing portion of the endowment. Today, the temple garment is worn primarily by members of LDS Church and by members of some Mormon fundamentalist churches. Adherents consider them to be sacred and not suitable for public display.”

It is now ordained: Church of Chris Martin congregants and all sanctuary members in good standing shall now be commanded to wear (clean) Chris Martin “Shivers” to all high church functions. Those unable to afford the new underwear will be allotted a discount and can pay in installments.The Doctrine of the Shiver Mandate states that the garments provide Martinites with a irredeemable reminder of exalted Coldplay covenants. Our new teaching on this insists that the white undies provide protection against temptation and evil and also puts a hex on any Coldplay nay-sayers who criticize Chris Martin. Wearing the garment is also “an outward expression of an inward commitment” to eternally love Chris Martin, despite his tendencies to commit adultery and be sexually attracted to skinny, flat-chested blonds. Deacon Frederick adds that the garment “strengthens the wearer to resist temptation, fend off the wicked and stand firmly for the might of Coldplay redemption.” The nature of the protection afforded by our Shiver temple garments is so powerful that some parishioners have claimed that the righteous tighty whiteys have saved them from men at bars with poor hygiene, women gold-diggers, and a few have credited the special underwear with helping them survive car wrecks, fires, and natural disasters.

Don’t be left out! Buy your Chris Martin Shivers now! Once coldplaying.com finds out about this latest Chris Martin item worn “close” to the body, they will most certainly buy them all out! Blessings to all in Coldplay. Amen.

Advertisements

THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN HONORS the QUEEN with a NEW SONG!

As the Queen of England celebrates her 60th Anniversary on the crown with a Diamond Jubilee, good English lad Chris Martin has come up with a tune to honor Her Majesty. Being that Chris and the band is all into fair trade, Oxfam, and all that politically correct stuff, The Church of Chris wonders whether our Beloved might actually be anti-monarchy? But we will put that little question away for now as The Chapel of Chris celebrates that stuffy old English broad, The Queen and her Diamond Jubilee.

“DON’T CALL ME LILLIBET”¬† in honor of Queen Elizabeth:

Don’t call me Lillibet; I’m the monarch and don’t you forget.

I rule the pasty English with a smile and my corgis at my side; I like to go to the countryside for a bit of a bird shoot and a nice horse ride.

Yes the monarchy family is full of drama, incest and scandal; but it is never any more than we upper crust types can handle.

Us limey blue-bloods can be thanked for gifting the world with the Coldplay blokes; It makes up for Robbie Williams and those Spice Girl jokes.

Prince William and his missus do enjoy a festive rock show in the park and Camilla thinks drinking the afternoon away with some gin and tonic is such a royal lark.

My hubby, Prince Phillip blurts out imbecile thoughts on occasion–yes, it’s true; but as he becomes older and more forgetful, these crazy utterings have become few.

So now I have sat on the throne for a good long time; wearing the royal jewels and opening day at Ascot are memories so impeccably sublime,

How much longer I can rule is up to Willie and Kate; My best guess is I might be good to hang around Buckingham Palace for at least another eight!

The Church of Chris Martin has requested I Knight Chris Martin so he may be called “Sir.” But he might have to wait until after I drop the designation on that band, The Cure.

Everyone knows that God Saves the Queen but God Also Loves Chris–so get a clue! He has impossibly pretty eyes-they are the color of cornflower blue.

Sir Chris Martin may one day very well come to be; but only if Coldplay lets me into one of their show and gives me a blinking bracelet–for free!

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN! WE LOVE CHRIS!