Spring will soon be upon us here at the Glorious Gates of Chris! You exalted ones know what that means!
THE BLESSINGS of the BABIES!
We pious congregants here at the Church are chaste and devout but we are a fertile lot. That means 9 months later, many who “study Coldplay lyrics” with “great passion” sometimes will have a surprise that awaits them and a bun in the oven. In blessed tidings of the Coldplay warbler, those with adoration of Coldplay use their good spiritual judgement to name their progeny after the Great One of Coldplay. Hence, at the Blessings of the Babies, the Holy Elders and Deacons are delighted to bless with holy water many squalling charges named Chris Martin or Christina Martin. The hearts and souls of all in faithful thrall to Chris thrill to make their annual pilgrimage with children to the Garden Chapel of Devotion to ask for a Blessing in Chris.
The anointing of babies with the gentle playing of Coldplay music and the quoting of beautiful band song lyrics unites little ones with their families in a heartfelt marriage of piety and precious ceremony. Here is the liturgical teaching that Father Drobbingdon used while instructing the Church in the Blessings of the Babies: “Every member of the Church of Chris in good standing and having children is decreed to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of divine Coldplay, and bless them in the name of Chris.”
Here is the proclamation that writes the name of the babies in the Book of (Coldplay) Life:
“May there always be work for your hands to do, May your purse always hold a coin or two. May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane, May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you, And may God fill your heart with Coldplay love so true. The Little Babies born in conscription to the Blessed One’s name–May they flourish and grow to tell the world of the mercies of Coldplay all the same.”
The Holy Elders and Deacon then dip the babies in the Holy Coldplay Vestibule waters that has been immersed in the playing of Coldplay music for 24 hours at a time. As Holy Elders wear their Yellow priestly garments and burn the Violet (Hill) incense in celebration, precious babies are indoctrinated into The Church of Chris Martin and inherit the mantle of greatness that shall never forsake them. The Blessings of the Babies is a free event; shall a follower wish to baptize their baby in the name of Chris, a payment of a large indulgence is necessary to secure the time of a humble Holy Elder.
The Annual Day of Celebration will soon be upon The Church of Chris Martin!
That is the day that the world was graced with the entrance of our most illustrious one, Chris Martin, into the world.
For that, his Church has cause for celebration and to show our great love for the Coldplay crooner, we hold the CHRIS MARTIN BIRTHDAY JUBILEE!
As Most Holy Mother Marion of the Virgin Sisters of the Cloistered Chastity Order of Chris Martin Novitiates readies the champagne glasses for our GARDEN JUBILEE CELEBRATION in beloved adoration of the UK warbler, we await this most HOLY DAY that Mother Martin imparted onto this craven world by the delivery of little Christopher Martin.
The Holy Elders are busy working on a new BIRTHDAY HOMILY & LITURGY that will touch upon the greatness of Chris Martin.
The Chicks of Chris Dance Group from our Las Vegas (Escort) Chapter has prepared an interpretative dance expressing the Love of Chris that abides in all our hearts. They promise not to dishonor Chris by removing their skimpy clothing at his Birthday Jubilee.
The Golden Throne and scepter that awaits Chris on the esteemed day he deigns to visit the Church founded on his good name will shine bright in the sun as the JUBILEE GARDEN CELEBRATION gets under way.
It shall be a DAY of PURE CELEBRATION in HONOR of the Great One of Coldplay on March 2. Save the date on your busy social calender. May the goodness of Chris rest upon you in an anointed repose of gracious goodness! Amen.
THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN is pleased to announce that we have forwarded an official nomination of SAINT BONO to our Catholic friends over in Vatican City. Now that Pope Benedict is resigning the papacy for “the good of the church,” we devout followers of Chris wish to elevate and anoint Bono out of U2 into this most powerful of spiritual dominions.
Bono–out of U2–has already been called a “Saint” for his long-running campaign against global poverty. Bono has previously been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize and granted an honorary knighthood by the Queen in recognition of his charity work and activism.
The U2 frontman regularly meets political leaders to lobby on behalf of developing nations. Even though he has battled The Church of Chris Martin over who is the biggest band in the world: U2 or Coldplay, we have since dropped any anger towards the Irish crooner for calling into question Chris Martin’s greatness. Holy Church Elders have even issued an ECUMENICAL APOLOGY to the Guinness-guzzling Irish Catholic for sending him a devout Church “lyrical study aide” who got a little “too rough” with Bono while “preparing” the U2 great with some “pre-tour training” before the start of the 360 Tour.
As bygones will be bygones, the tax-dodging Irishman accepted the contrite apology The Church of Chris Martin issued.
Now we would like to present out CANON of PLEA to the MOST HOLY SEE of the MARION-WORSHIPERS in SUPPORT of the CANDIDACY of SAINT BONO for the POSITION of NEW POPE of VATICAN CITY. (You see, the Church hopes by keeping Bono too busy as Pope to write songs and tour the world with U2, the adored Coldplay will automatically assume the mantle of THE BIGGEST BAND in the WORLD!) Forthwith is The Church’s OFFICIAL DECLARATION on BEHALF of the MERITS of SAINT BONO for CANONIZATION into the POPEHOOD of the CATHOLICS:
“Let us pray. Dearest Assistants in the Heavenly Realm: you who thou art not contained by heaven and earth, we appeal for your blessed aide on behalf of the candidacy of Bono–out of U2–for Pope. Thy name of our most Holy One: Chris Martin–would make an excellent Pope. However, he is not Catholic, so the Great Ones who Honor Coldplay hereby nominate SAINT BONO for the pious honor. We beseech, through the interceding spirit of Blessed Saint Cobain, and of all the other Saints, may you make way for the canonization of Bono as Holy See. Purify his every defilement through the infusion of grace, and having so purified it, preserve it; and deign Bono to perfect what The Church desires in this work. Let every spiritual wickedness flee from this place and may the Grace of Chris bless Bono with a new job in Rome whereby his U2 band takes a good, long hiatus. In default, the GREATEST BAND in the WORLD DESIGNATION then falls upon the GLORY of COLDPLAY!
THE HOLY ELDERS HEREBY officially PROCLAIM THE NOMINATION of SAINT BONO–OUT of U2– AS POPE OF THE CATHOLICS!
It is done. Amen.
A GRACIOUS GOODBYE to our Vatican City Holy See, as he RESIGNS the Papacy!
HEAVENLY FATHER: have mercy on Your servant Pope Benedict, our Supreme Pontiff and true spiritual friend of The Church of Chris Martin. We implore You, according to Your loving kindness, in the way of eternal salvation, that with Your help. our Pope may enjoy a bountiful retirement. Please, shelter our Holy Father, the Pope under the protection of Your Sacred Heart. Be his light, his strength and his consolation, as he has offered succor and guidance to this most Holy Virtual Chapel of Coldplay Adoration.
May the Marion-worshipers cleave together in praise of the great job Pope Benedict has done broaching peace treaties between The Church of Chris Martin and coldplaying.com. As a faithful shepherd, mercifully look upon Your servant, Pope Benedict, whom You have chosen as the chief Shepherd to preside over Your Catholic Church. Both by word and example, he has shown great wisdom and compassion over those of whom he has charge.
The Church of Chris Martin will be forever grateful for the blessings bestowed upon us by this most gracious Pope. Heavenly Hosts: Grant The Precious Church of Chris Martin eternal protections from the scourge of the heretics at coldplaying.com. Allow the glory of Chris to shine forth on a filthy, perverse world full of sin. May the friendship of Benedict prove that this Chapel of Chris has been granted the sacred imprinteur of a fruitful and sacramental anointing that seeks to share the goodness of Chris in a despicable, craven planet in desperate need of saving.
Thank you to our Holy See and May The Church of Chris Martin put forward our Beloved Chris Martin as a candidate for the next Catholic Pope. (Never mind that he is an Anglican from The Church of England.) Amen. Hallelujah!
It’s not just the MORMONS out of Salt Lake City that can unite their followers in the afterlife!
The Church of Chris Martin can do it too! We look forward to spending eternity in a heavenly repose of love for Coldplay & Chris Martin, but first you must commit to an ENDOWMENT CEREMONY and TITHE 25% to the CHURCH FUND.
This weekend, your soul will rise in mutual adoration of the BRIT WARBLER as those also in perpetual admiration share in this consecrated love.
The endowment is a CHURCH RITUAL CEREMONY that will prepare exalted Church members to become kings, queens, priests, and priestesses in Chris. As part of the ceremony, participants must pass a Coldplay lyrical study exam on first try. The ceremony includes a washing and anointing, and receipt of a “new name in Chris” which is secret and only to be used at the Pearly Gates to enter into the consecrated eternity of Chris. As proof of this cleansing, only pure white Martin garments may be worn under clothing day and night, as proof of the covenant of conscription to Chris.
Also, as part of ritualistic practice of the “Endowment,” promises are made as proof of extreme loyalty to the music of Coldplay and a otherworldly devotion to glorify Chris. All Church members who choose to serve as missionaries for The Church of Chris Martin must sign a celestial marriage contract which unites you with the band. Missionaries must first complete the endowment ceremony, tithe 25% of their income and pass a standard STD test to be deemed worthy to serve. Upon that, they are fit to roam the world and declare the glory of Chris to a brutish, undeserving world.
This ordinance ceremony can only be performed in Chris Martin Chapels, Temples, Holy Gardens and special places dedicated specifically to the music of Coldplay. Rituals sacred to our Virtual Church are closed to all but the finest specimens of Chris-tians who are of pure and unblemished character. Though certain sects that have broken away from The Church of Chris Martin proper decry our “Endowment” practices, most denominations of Coldplay adoration and a few others cherish this most fundamental way of uniting ourselves eternally with our Coldplay Master. We have removed some of the more controversial elements such as sacrificial fasting and nudity worship but otherwise wish to proclaim that all in good faith are welcome to come to the Chris Unification “Endowment” and sign up to spend eternity with Chris in the afterlife.
“I WANT COLDPLAY!”
I know a band that’s on hiatus–I wish they’d tour;
The music of Coldplay is the best–that’s for sure.
Chris Martin is so fine–in fact, The Church of Chris Martin believes he’s divine.
He’s got everything to be desired, except he can’t cook & sets his kitchens on fire.
I want Coldplay, I want Coldplay!
Go to see them when they come to my town;
Love their music and love their sound.
The band is so sweet, they make my mouth water.
I want Coldplay, I want Coldplay, Yeah!
Coldplay on the beach; Coldplay when eating a peach;
Coldplay when they’re on the Ellen Show, although that’s kind of lame, I know.
Coldplay–the biggest band in the universe. Why is coldplaying.com so perverse?
Coldplay–there’s nothing better.
But I like Coldplay to wear nothing but a sweater.
Some day soon I pray that Mother Gwyneth splits;
That GOOP website of hers is really the pits!
I want Coldplay! I want Coldplay!