AS The Church of Chris Martin EVOLVES, coldplaying.com REGRESSES.

Scientists and psycho-babble evolutionists tells us that men came from the apes. These theories propose that not all members of a type evolved into another type, but that only a small group of individuals, isolated from the others, evolved, leaving the others behind. In some cases, those left behind fail to thrive and in fact, regress.

So,  it is such that The Church of Chris Martin was born of a love for the Word and Song of Coldplay and the adoration of singer Chris Martin.  And from that passion, there begot a glorious virtual Chapel in thrall to all that is Chris Martin and Coldplay.

Three men from Scotland ventured forth from the briny depths of despair and headed out on a road trip to seek Coldplay redemption at Glastonbury many years ago. One of these was a miserable, hen-pecked man who came to be known as Father Drobbingdon, Arch Pope of The Church of Chris Martin. He and his friends suffered through the most accursed of foul British weather, tolerated the blandest of English food, set their backpacks down in intolerably dusty roadhouses on their way to Glastonbury. All in the name of seeking that which they had only heard whisperings of: The COLDPLAY redemption. EVOLUTION was about to occur. The Three Wise Men were rewarded for their wretched sufferings whereby at the concert, their souls escaped their bodies and floated in the atmosphere, all whilst the music of Coldplay played. This out-of-body experience was not a lucid dream but an actual redemptive experience that changed forever the lives of the 3 Glastonbury Pilgrims. Father Drobbingdon was so overcome with gratitude for Coldplay’s transforming his live & his spirit, that he vowed to forevermore honor the band and singer Chris Martin. This is the ultimate evolution of a sentient being, overcome in the rapture of glory that is a Coldplay concert experience and a spiritual ascension occurs that allows that person to transpose themselves into a higher evolved state of enlightenment and wisdom. 

However, we reside in a wicked and depraved world. And for all the striving forward our Church of Chris has done; there is also a forboding regression tool of doom and that is named coldplaying.com. These miserable and wretched vermin have nipped at the heels of The Church of Chris Martin since the day Father Drobbingdon sat down to start up our Beloved Sanctuary of Coldplay. The basement refuse of coldplaying.com, instead of seeking to evolve by way of the sanctity of Coldplay, prefer to snipe, criticize, bully and terrorize the good people of Chris. coldplaying.com is the anti-Church; it regresses as we evolve. The furtive threaders and mentally-crippled nay-sayers are content to survive in their own dysfunctional world while the Church seeks to use the music of Coldplay to offer salvation to the masses.

This is how bad coldplaying.com is. A new Church Facebook member came to us crying at how coldplaying.com bullied her and caused her to flee to the welcoming arms of our congregation. Another Church official, spying on coldplaying.com, was sent vicious email messages to stop “or else.” 

Yes, evolution is a good thing. But regression is what coldplaying.com is doing. The simpletons there would not know a Coldplay excelsis if it hit them in their acne-prone face. human-hairy-primate

Perhaps after the Chris Martin Birthday Jubilee, some of the brethren might seek to do outreach to the coldplaying.com heathens. Maybe a few of the better threaders might see the light and come out of the coldplaying.com darkness. Or it could just be that as our mighty Church prevails and gets nobler by the day, we would leave the howling jackals behind in their snakepit, to languish forevermore, as we, The Devout of Coldplay unite in YELLOW Paradise. Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

AN OPEN LETTER to TOM MORELLO: PLEASE HELP US HONOR GRUNGE GREAT Alice in Chains at RNRHOF.

best-alice-in-chains-songs-u1

Billboard Magazine has noted that the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame may skimp on inducting “80’s alternative mainstays, but the ’90s, they seem to be good with: Nirvana and Green Day both got in on their first shots.” Next up? The popular choice: Pearl Jam. Billboard describes them as the  most “classic rock of grunge-era breakout bands.” I have seen Pearl Jam several times live and they are indeed a great band and worthy of all RNRHOF acclaim.  They are an anomaly among the grunge groups in that they have maintained their original line-up over time. Quite a feat and lead singer Eddie Vedder hasn’t gone the way of Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and Layne Staley of Alice-in-Chains by OD-ing on drugs. Which brings me to the subject of Alice-in-Chains–a great band that has suffered from being entirely under-rated but is also very deserving of future honors in the RNRHOF.

I am writing this open letter to Tom Morello to appeal for a consideration of AIC as the next grunge band to receive the prestigious honor. I admit I am biased because the grunge era was my heyday. I loved all the music coming out of Seattle; most especially my beloved Nirvana and Kurt Cobain. It is my mission to make sure that all the great grunge bands receive the acclaim and honor that they are due. Grunge is not just another side note in 90’s music history but helped define the culture of Generation X, and effectively started the alternative rock movement of the late 80’s and early 90’s. Grunge powerfully drew the eyes of the world to rainy Seattle and helped transform the city into the  independent music powerhouse it is today.  More than just a fad, grunge turned out to be a global phenomenon. “Because grunge wasn’t just another musical or youth trend – it was the ultimate expression and fusion of most of the defining cultural, ideological and social threads of the modern western world. Feminism, liberalism, irony, apathy, cynicism/idealism (those opposite sides of one frustrated coin), anti-authoritarianism, wry post-modernism, and not least a love of dirty, abrasive music; grunge reconciled all these into a seminal whole,” said a story in the Guardian.

It is painful to read all the online threads that argue about who is/was the best grunge band. IMO, they are all good in their own way and deserving of props. I don’t like to see great bands over-looked and it is my intention here to remedy that situation. MTV.com noted “Alice in Chains’ musical contribution and impact had often been overlooked” — with attention usually focused on Nirvana or Pearl Jam. Not right since “Alice in Chains burned as brightly as either — establishing their own identity and leaving their own impressive legacy.” AIC is still together today with a great new lead singer, William DuVall, since 2006. They recently finished a very successful North American tour that saw their concerts selling out and the fans as excited as ever. Many AIC songs are played on good rotation to this day on radio stations, along with other grunge greats. Despite some dark lyrical subject matter, AIC was no slacker band in terms of sales. Of the three studio albums released by the band from 1990-1995, all sold at least 1.5 million copies. The AIC installment in the Unplugged series charted at #3 in August 1996, and has gone on to tally more than 1.24 million in cumulative sales. Not too shabby.

aliceinchains2013

Alice in Chains also compare favorably with the other big Grunge three (Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden), with Alice having totaled more than 11.27 million in overall sales, according to SoundScan.bsite. Perhaps it is the dark and macabre flavor of their music, but it is a fact: Alice in Chains’ effect on rock music in the early ’90s is undeniable, although unfortunately underappreciated. They continue to record and tour to this very day and their musical influences color the work of current bands such as the Deftones, Godsmack, Staind and Creed, said MTV.com. Alice in Chains are supremely worthy of the recognition accorded by the RNRHOF. The individual members of AIC are all skilled musicians. Drummer Sean Kinney has mad effortless skills. One blogger said that “it looks like the sticks are doing all the work by themselves, and his hands are simply guiding them to where they need to be. So accurate and fluid, poetry in motion.” William DuVall, who took over lead vocals for the band in 2006, has that great strong rock voice and stage presence. He blows fans away with the ease in which he has transitioned into the lead gig and has said he no longer feels like “the new guy” anymore.  Bassist Mike Inez provides awesome steady pulses for AIC and has also played with Ozzy Osbourne, Heart, Slash, Black Label Society, and Michael Schenker. Then there is the incomparable Jerry Cantrell, who gives AIC’s sound a heavy metal edge mixed in with the basic grunge style. He has kept the band going and that is, in itself, worthy of award. It is not a easy thing to do. Chris Martin of Coldplay said it best when he noted that “We respect any musician, particularly ones who’ve kept going and not changed line up and have always been good.” Jerry Cantrell managed to take the almost irreparable loss of lead singer Layne Staley, keep the rest of the band together and then find a perfect new replacement singer and rise AIC up from the ashes to today’s current glory.

According to a story on http://www.npr.com,  it is the Rock Hall’s Nominating Committee that holds sway in the selection process. “Before the Hall’s hundreds of voters, or its millions of fans, can vote on their favorites —an elite committee of a few dozen critics, musicians and Hall insiders determines who is worthy of the vote in the first place.” http://www.npr.org/sections/therecord/2015/10/24/451226961/rock-and-roll-hall-of-fame-2016-the-only-system-weve-got.

This Nominating Committee, of which I am aware you are a member of, has been pared down recently and the refreshed Hall’s “Committee appears hell-bent on clearing the bench and inducting some long-overdues — many of them long overdue.” sad the NPR story. I say Hallelujah to that! I hope that is what can be done here to move along AIC towards consideration.

I understand that the selection process is part of a voting process and I am hopeful that in your Rock and Roll Hall of Fame capacity, you will consider the induction of Alice in Chains for a 2017 honor or if possible, help to put this great band up for a fan vote. I know that the passionate AIC fans will make it happen if a fan vote is on the agenda.

In order to be eligible for an induction the artist/s must have released a record at least 25 years prior to the year of induction and have demonstrated musical excellence. Alice in Chains was “signed to “Columbia Records” in 1989, and released its first EP,”We Die Young” in 1990. Later that year, the band released its debut studio album, “Facelift” according to Wikipedia. So they are indeed eligible as far as time goes. And yes, AIC have also demonstrated musical excellence. Rolling Stone called them “A metal band with an alternative-rock edge,” and one of “the biggest (bands) to emerge from the grunge scene that spawned Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden.” I like how Rolling Stone was able to so precisely decipher the exact niche that AIC resides in:  “the group’s dark, bitter songs, laden with references to drug addiction and death, occupy a musical landscape somewhere between Metallica’s dense head-bangers and Pearl Jam’s grinding anthems.”  Alice was popular, toured heavily and sold a lot of records.  In September 1991, their first album, Face Lift, had sold a half-million copies and featured the Grammy-nominated “Man in the Box.” Rolling Stone noted their sophomore effort, Dirt, went platinum in 1992 (eventually selling 3 million copies), and the “group’s appearance on the following summer’s Lollapalooza Tour confirmed its popularity among fans.” Talk about drug addiction and internal tensions effectively iced the band for many years. Despite lead singer Staley’s tragic passing, Alice fans always kept hope alive that the band would be resurrected. In 2009, with new lead singer William DuVall, the Alice comeback was in full swing:  Black Gives Way to Blue album hit #5 on the Billboard charts and went gold while racking up two Grammy nominations.  The new Alice release, The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here, arrived in the summer of 2013 and the band has gone out on the road for successful and sold out shows throughout North America. I was at the latest one here in San Diego in October 2016 and went to grunge heaven!  Wikipedia said “Peaking at number two on the Billboard 200” The Devil Put Dinosaurs was well received by music critics and fans. And AIC continues to work on new music, as I write.

It would seem that death and division might strive to put an end to the band.  But that hasn’t happened and the ability of this band to rise above the dire situations it finds itself (and it’s music) in and reemerge even stronger than ever is a testament to both the band’s musical strength and fan popularity. Not just head-bangers but grunge devotees such as myself and fans of the Seattle scene, the world over, love and revere Alice. Now AIC might define themselves to be more metal than grunge, but they just might have to settle for the grunge-label since that is what got them rich and famous.

Another thing the Hall of Fame looks at: an artist’s musical influence on other artists, and innovation and superiority in style and technique are taken into consideration. Alice’s musical influences on other artists are exceptional. Even though the band was primarily a metal band at first and then marketed into a grunge outfit, it’s influence on other bands is enormous. It is ironic that this great, under-rated band, who some have called “the ugly stepchild of grunge’s big names,” ended up (intentionally or unintentionally) being the “prime influence for hundreds of bands that came around the decade after their demise,.” (http://goodnonsense.blogspot.com/2006/06/influence-of-alice-in-chains.html)

Alice’s most successful imitator, Godsmack, found it’s very name from the title of an Alice in Chains song! How’s that for influence? Members of Slipknot, Korn, Staind, Papa Roach, Machine Head, Disturbed and even Portugal the Man (out of Alaska!) have all proclaimed their inspiration from AIC. Artists Direct website said “You can search the entire canon of recorded music, and you’ll never find a band that can do what these Seattle Legends can.”

711131299503af84daa0515-62008230

I have so much love and respect for you, Tom. You have played a part in so many great bands and so much enlightening music. I have enjoyed seeing you perform with RATM many times and am hopeful that here now, you will be able to help AIC. I remember that you once played a song with the late Layne Staley in the Class of ’99 band.  That alternative supergroup featured yourself, Layne,  Stephen Jenkins and Martyn LeNoble collaborating to cover Pink Floyd‘s “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” (as well as “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 1)”) for the soundtrack to Robert Rodriguez‘s 1998 science-fiction horror film, The Faculty. That was awesome. And I also read where you said Layne was an “amazingly talented singer who sang like an angry angel.” I hope you will remember him today and help be our (not angry) angel to move forward AIC to the proper recognition they deserve. It would mean– I know– the world to the band and their many fans and show how Tom Morello stands up for the underdog, once again, to right grievous (musical) wrongs.

For my generation,”grunge was more than just music: it was subterfuge, knowledge, philosophy, empathy, wit, courage, love, desire and anger,” said the Guardian story. Grunge is the greatest because it is when mass popular culture transcended humble origins to become something profound, subversive and greater than itself. I know that is something you can relate to. Let’s always celebrate that.

Thank you for any assistance you can provide here for the great AIC.  Rage on!

A BIRTHDAY BRIDE for our CHERISHED CHRIS MARTIN.

Dear Brethren,what can you get for someone who really lacks for nothing worldly-wise, except for a loving consort and virtuous wife? That is something the Vespers evening prayer group discussed at the Canon services this evening. It is a good thing for Chris Martin to become hitched again. The Church does not want Chris Martin to be a lonelyheart nor at the mercy of the manipulative vixens and Hollywood harlots who seek to use him for his money and rock star status.  WE MUST FIND CHRIS A WIFE for his BIRTHDAY! bible-verse-virtuous-woman-crown-to-her-husband-yellow-striped-background-67681796

To that end, we look to the Bible for guidance. In the book of Genesis, God tells us “It is not good for man to be alone.” Proverbs also tells us “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” But more importantly, Matthew 6:33 tells us to “Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Well, this internet church has always sought the Kingdom and are certainly full of righteous people. We must pray for a decent, respectable woman to come forward whom we can then present to Chris as a wifely contender.  Again, the Bible will guide us in this endeavor.  God does not call every man to marriage, but for the many that he does, it is a good thing that they find a godly wife. Outside of salvation in Jesus Christ, a godly wife brings more joy and happiness to a man than anything else on earth. As the Scripture says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

The Sisters in Chris have volunteered to gather up a worthy group of devout Chris(tians) and cull out of the group, the best candidates to capture Chris’s heart and relieve him of his singleton status. We know of Chris’s preferences by noticing which La-La Land charlatans and scandalous Jezebels he seemed fond of. That means a woman who is thin, blond, in her 30’s and pretty is a good start. While plenty of our female congregants fit the bill, we also must look for ladies who can discourse with our Chris on issues such as gluten-free food, fair trade coffee and other environmental issues. There must be a meeting of the minds and good conversation is a great way to move a relationship forward. We will look for an educated perspective bride since Chris did attend college. The Church wishes a bride for Chris from a respectable family with no scandals or family dysfunction. The noviatite, of course, must exhibit familiarity with Coldplay music and the passing of a band lyrical test will be necessary.

If this seems like a tall order for the Church, yes it is. But our ecumenical mission is to elevate our Brit warbler and a happy marriage to a devout Churchly wife will move that reality forward. Time is of the essence as March 2 will be the Jubilee Celebration where we choose our perspective bride to offer Chris.

Come to the Chapel of Chris and all novitiates deemed worthy will be readied in preparation for a Birthday offering. To be considered as our Coldplay crooner’s better half is a honor of the highest order. Pray that the Church might find the right glorious woman to snatch Chris away from singledom, thereby raining hosannas onto our Virtual Church in his name. Amen.

 

 

BLESSING of the ANIMALS as a PRECURSOR to Chris Martin Birthday Celebrations

We live in a glorious world. As such, we must give thanks for the good things in our lives. Thus, the Church of Chris Martin looks forward to celebrating the BLESSING of the ANIMALS. We do this to show that our internet Chapel of Chris is not some silly, superficial devotional to the Coldplay crooner but a humble abode of penitent love for all things Chris Martin and pets too!  

” In your infinite wisdom, Lord God, when You created the Universe You blessed us with living creatures. And you sent us the Great One: Chris Martin. We especially thank You for giving us our pets who are our friends and who bring us so much joy in life. We also Thank You for gracing our world with the rapture of Coldplay. The presence of our pets and the music of Coldplay very often helps us get through trying times. Kindly bless my pet & Chris Martin. May our pets & the warbling of the UK singer continue giving the world joy and remind us all of Your power. May we realize that as our pets trust us to take care of them, so we should trust You to take care of us, and in taking care of them we share in Your love for all Your creatures. Also, just as Coldplay blesses the world with their musical oeuvre of channeled magnificence, enlighten our minds to preserve all endangered species so that we may continue to appreciate all of Your creations, great and small. May this Church of Chris continue to spread the Good Word of Coldplay to a craven and wicked world.  Bless this congregation to fight the spiritual warfare battle with the brainless wankers that inhabit coldplaying.com. Please hear our pleas and grant these prayers through the auspices of the exalted heavenly spirit of our Beloved Angel out of Nirvana, Saint Cobain.” 

Please note: There will be a Blessing of the Pets in which current pets are blessed and pets no longer with us are remembered. Children can have their stuffed animals blessed. Drive-by blessings are offered for shyer pets, and tithes, gratuities and indulgences are warmly welcomed.

As we ready our sanctuary to celebrate the festive JUBILEE of CHRIS MARTIN’S BIRTHDAY, we stop for a moment to pray for our devoted pet and animal companions. May the love that abounds surround you with the goodness of Coldplay  & may you gain an never ending appreciation for all creatures, great & small. Amen.

MOTHER GWYNETH CONSULTS GHOST WHISPERER on BENEFITS OF DIETARY IODINE

Mother Gwyneth, she of the conscious uncoupling with our Beneficent Master, Chris Martin, has outdone herself once again.

gwyneth_paltrow_homosexuality_the_bible_and_goop

The Hollywood vixen has now announced on GOOP that she has consulted a Ghost Whisperer who told her that people need more iodine in their diets.  No matter that Mother has also advised women to steam clean their vagina and sleep “clean.” Now it seems, her latest nugget of wisdom has set off a reaction among medical doctors who made quick work of her iodine theory.  Our blond and bony GOOP-ster enlisted the help of the self-described “medical medium” Anthony William, who speaks to ghosts to make health recommendations.

The former consort of the Coldplay warbler lists a litany of health ailments that will respond positively to increased iodine in the diet. Only problem is the doctors say too much iodine is as bad as too little. It is not hard to get a good amount in the diet. Increasing seaweed and kelp products will certainly help increase iodine levels but Mother is going overboard to now issue dietary and medical advise that she received from a Ghost Whisperer. 

The Church must rebuke Mother Gwyneth on her ill-informed advise. Just about everything in her latest GOOP proclamation is “wrong and potentially dangerous,” said a Dr. Gunter. This good Doctor also said “we need very little iodine but if you eat a healthy diet and have a little iodized salt here and there, you will be just fine.”

We here at the internet Chapel of Chris believe Mother means well but should stick to doling out much more meaningful advise like using a jade egg to enhance your sexy time or sharing her special fairy dust recipe for “Spirit Truffles.” And better yet, Mother, try not to embarrass your exalted ex-husband any more than he already has been with your GOOP-sterism wisdom. Amen.

 

 

LADY GAGA CHANNELING SATAN at THIS YEARS SUPER BOWL.

Oh my. When our eminence CHRIS MARTIN & Coldplay took to the Super Bowl stage last year, it was to sing the praises of love to the world. But Bruno & Beyonce had another agenda and as Coldplay’s guests, they took it upon themselves to steal the show away from our Brit songster

Now this past weekend, we had the very talented Lady Gaga take to the Half Time stage and wow the crowd. However, some of the TV audience now claim that Gaga was channeling Satan and promoting the Illumanti. Here is what one website said: 

“The average Superbowl viewer is so totally clueless about reality that they have no idea what they’re even watching. Over the last several years, the NFL has slowly given way to the agenda of truly evil globalists, pushing quack science fraud (breast cancer “awareness” propaganda), anti-American hatred (Colin Kaepernick’s nauseating antics), cultural subversion agendas and vulgar halftime shows that frequently invoke Satanic imagery in ritualistic fashion.”

Lady Gaga is accused of being “Hell’s Puppet.” Media zealots claim that the real purpose of the Superbowl half time show is to “ritualistically celebrate the power of Satan right in the open, by declaring his dominion over the Earth by glorifying (satanic) imagery, words and worship on national TV.”  The evil began with Lady Gaga being lowered into a red fiery platform on cables (i.e. descending into Hell), then dancing in a way that depicted her as a puppet on “puppet strings” (indicating she’s a puppet of Satan).

Now Gaga is a nice New York Italian girl who normally would  not shill for the Lake of Fire, knowingly. She is a friend of the Church of Chris Martin, as she once did a lovely piano cover of “Viva la Vida’ and praised the musical talents of our Beloved Chris Martin. But Gaga is ambitious and I have read that she wants to go mainstream & break into films. That means she is vulnerable to the wiles of the devil. As fans go crazy over Gaga’s demonic performance, they are awash in “blood” red lighting, providing the camera a scene that’s framed to show masses of Hell’s minions (with the horned owl symbols in plain view) worshiping the Gaga goddess, the puppet of Satan as she flies through the air with witch-like powers. This is sacrilege.

There are other examples of witchery in her Half Time Show, but suffice to say it all adds up to Satanic rituals being forced onto the masses, under the guise of “entertainment.” The minions of Hades are ratcheting up the poisoning of the human race. Gaga just happened to be their (talented) vehicle. The triangles that were all over that Half Time stage are strong symbols of the Illumanti. Infowars founder Alex Jones even said Gaga “does rituals” and pointing out she once wore a meat suit, he said the Super Bowl “organizers are deciding to defile America and break our will by having us bow down to this.”

Is it any wonder that The Church of Chris Martin blew a gasket last year when the great Coldplay sought to bring LOVE upon the Half Time Stage, only to have the whole message ruined by pimpy Bruno and that jiggling jungle bunny Beyonce in formation? So this year, the demonic force was determined to bamboozle the beer-drenched masses with a Spawn of Satan theme. 

The Church can’t really trash Gaga over this because she is just a pawn being used by the Evil Ones. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12 : “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

As bad and as wicked as our world is, let us be grateful the blessings of Coldplay & Chris Martin. For every tenfold scummy rock band in thrall to the devil; there is the great goodness of Coldplay and our Beneficent Chris Martin that shines like a light amid the darkness. The Church shall not condemn Lady Gaga over this entertaining but misguided tour de force. No good Catholic girl like Gaga would knowingly sign herself over to the devil’s handiwork. Gaga may need an exorcism, though. Let us instead remember the wondrous show of last year when the world was shown the glory of Chris. That, alone, is something worth celebrating unceasingly. May the Rapture of Coldplay arise in your heart & soul and may the devil flee at the sight of The Church of Chris Martin. Grant us the mighty spirit to combat the forces of evil that abound in the musical world and turn the great unwashed masses onto the glorious message of Coldplay & Chris Martin. For this we do pray. Amen.

download

 

 

REMEMBERING COLDPLAY at LAST YEAR’S SUPER BOWL SHOW

fat-man-eating-spaghetti-with-his-hands-and-drinking-beerIt was just one year ago when the magnificence of Coldplay was displayed to a world wide audience at the Super Bowl Half Time show.

The beer-guzzling masses– gobbling chicken wings and pizza, had before them, the most wonderful of song warblers on display. While they wiped the grease off and chugged some Pepto-Bismol to keep the junk food from coming back up, The greatness of Chris & Coldplay –like an apparition-appeared to the turgid souls in bondage to the booze, bimbos and BBQ.

I remember the moment as if IT were yesterday. My heart leaped out of my chest in delight as our Brit balladeer stormed the Half Time stage and set to warbling the best of the Coldplay song book. The only problem? Chris, in his generous way, had invited Bruno Mars and Beyoncé to join him. Normally, this would not be a problem, but COLDPLAY WAS TASKED WITH A SPECIAL MISSION HERE from the Great Beyond–they were to channel a MESSAGE to the MASSES of peace, love & understanding. But then here come gangster wannabe Bruno Mars strutting like a peacock and taking away the stage from our eminence Martin. Even worse, stage stealer Jezebel Beyoncé appears and all eyes are on her!  Pretty soon Black Orchid Bey is in formation and doing her BLACK POWER best to ruin the gentle continence of the Coldplay message. What happened here? Coldplay GOT UPSTAGED by their own friends. Yes, the internet was abuzz with platitudes on the band’s performance but that is like singing to the choir.

Our Beloved had allowed his own Half Time Show to run away from him and Coldplay. The belching beer swillers and chip shovelers were drunk enough to receive the Coldplay message but it had been diluted by allowing Bruno Mars & Beyoncé to trample on the Holy Grounds. Hence, a survey of Half Time Shows remind us that one of the greatest of live performers–Coldplay–is  relegated to BEHIND KATY PERRY-as a football half-time talent. This is an abomination! And I blame Beyoncé & Bruno.

Which of these recent Super Bowl halftime performances was your favorite?

  • 11%
    Beyoncé, 2013

  • 49%
    Bruno Mars, 2014

  • 26%
    Katy Perry, 2015

  • 14%
    Coldplay, 2016

Some of the comments after the performance gave pause: One person wrote: “Cackling at how bland Coldplay seemed in comparison to Bey and Bruno. My only gripe is that she didn’t push Chris Martin off the stage.”

Another added: “Coldplay did amazing. They gave Bey & Bruno too much stage time tho.”

Now. normally, the fire breathers here at the Chapel of Chris would demand a condemnation of Bey and Bruno for their taking the wind out of the Coldplay sails but we are a compassionate lot. Bruno is a cool guy and now that Beyoncé is with child(ren,) we cannot bring ourselves to throw the proverbial book at them for stepping on Coldplay’s toes. It still was a wonderful performance and even though most of the audience was 2 sheets to the wind and probably about to have a heart attack from all the fatty ribs and greasy burgers they were chomping, maybe a little portion of the GREAT MESSAGE of COLDPLAY seeped into their besmirched brains–enough to make a small difference in the state of the world we wish to influence with the Coldplay redemption. As our Music Marvel said: “We decided we wanted to make it about togetherness, acceptance and the things we believed in.”  Amen to that.