MOTHER GWYNETH DARKENS THE CHURCH DOORSTEP with TALK about ANAL SEX!

Oh my God. I never thought that I would be forced to address such a scandalous topic as this at The Church of Chris Martin. But Mother Gwyneth has been running her mouth again and this time it is to talk about an unmentionable sex practice that she seems to enjoy! It is a shocking moment that our normally gracious former consort to Chris should deign to even mention this and in fact, BRAG about it too.

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Several high Church officials almost fainted when they heard what the GOOP-ster said. BrotheRob was incensed that anal sex was even mentioned in the same sentence as our Beloved Martin. This righteous Church official wishes to condemn Mother Gwyneth for her impetuous sex talk and is looking to scourge the Hollywood flake Paltrow in order to teach impressionable Church minions a lesson: that nasty and dirty talk about sex practices will not be tolerated when our Church Mission is to always hold Coldplay and Chris Martin in the highest regard and not tarnish the good Martin name with deviant sex practices.

The True Widow seems to think that Mother Gwyneth is going through a bad mid-life crisis and is trying to impress her producer boyfriend, Brad, with her “free-thinking ways.”  The Widow advises to show compassion to suffering Mother, who may be having a bad reaction to menopause. Also, Mother’s acting career continues it’s downward cycle, so she seeks to regain attention by outrageous statements on GOOP that get her press and make her seem “cool.”  

Well, I have news for Mother: The Church has commissioned a pinata on Mother Gwyneth. We will be holding a charity pinata bash where donations will be raised by allotting righteously indignant Church patrons to whack Mother in her behind, where she seems to like it so much. Monies raised from the charity scourging will be put towards the Coldplay tour scholarship funds where poverty-stricken fans can appeal for assistance in raising money to buy an outrageously over-priced Coldplay concert ticket. Thus, something good can come out of the BUTT SCANDAL that Mother Gwyneth has foisted on this most Holiest and Devout Chapel of Chris. enhanced-7405-1436495898-2

Go in the Glory of Coldplay and sin no more. May the Blessings of Chris rain upon you and yours. Amen.

 

 

 

POPE FRANCIS ENCOURAGES EXORCISM; THE CHURCH RESPONDS

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Blessings in Abundance to All of Good Faith. A papal missive came down from our Vatican pal, Pope Francis. The Pontiff is encouraging the Marion-worshipers to call on Catholic exorcists–if needed. The Vicar of Rome told priests that they should be willing to SEEK OUT an exorcist if they feel it’s warranted, but first they should make sure the person is actually possessed. That means not just crazy or delusional, but really demon-possessed.

Recently Father Vincent Lampert of the Indianapolis Archdiocese said “The problem isn’t that the devil has upped his game, but more people are willing to play it.”

With exorcisms on the rise and the Pope encouraging the battle against Satan’s handiworks, we, The Church in the name of Chris Martin, have been called into action. Pope Francis is a good friend of our virtual Chapel of Coldplay and we must support his outreach to the righteous to take on the forces of darkness. The Roman Pontiff urged us forward by stating that “Chris(t)ian living requires a constant battle with the devil.” Now this is something our resolute congregants know all to well as we have had an ongoing battle with our nemesis coldplaying.com. But that is all about to change as we now wish to EXORCISE the craven demons at coldplaying.com in order to support the Pontiff’s outreach and call to action against the cackling jackals in thrall to the Lake of Fire.

Yes, Church, we will begin EXORCISMS and seek out candidates to practice on. We are looking for any coldplaying.com nitwits who would like to volunteer. By doing so, these despicable vermin who wank the days away in their mother’s dank basement could have a chance at a redemptive experience and ingratiate themselves with The Church of Chris Martin. This would help to save the rotting souls of the wretched refuse that call coldplaying.com home. We promise to be gentle with the pustule-infested chattel and shan’t injure them too severely whilst our EXORCISM TRAINEES remove the darkened spirit of Hades from the coldplaying.com blackened souls.

Now it might be hard to separate out all those at coldplaying.com who are mentally ill or simply evil from those souls in bondage to the devil. This will certainly be a task not for the Church faint of heart. Still, we are called by our Catholic brothers and sisters over at Vatican City to come to a Holy Conclusion & that is: We have been called upon–not just to spread the Good News of Chris Martin & Coldplay– but to actively seek out festering coldplaying.com nay-sayers and spiritually-diseased heathens. It is our Holy Task to remove the grip of Satan from their pathetic and lonely lives.

This is a part of the immense burden of being a righteous virtual Chapel of Chris. We must harken to the Battle Extraordinaire that awaits us and do so in order to help our Roman Papal patron but also to bring glory to Chris Martin. If the liturgical music of Coldplay can redeem lost souls at Glastonbury and send music fans astral traveling on a Yellow Assumption; then it surely can foist the devil from the lair of the manical bullies at coldplaying.com.

Let the threading vermin of our antagonist–coldplaying.com– now come forward to submit to the CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN EXORCISM RITUALS. Go in faith and in the glory of Yellow.

AMEN.

 

 

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CHRIS MARTIN POTENTIAL WIVES COME FORWARD FOR EVALUATION

Blessings in abundance to all: It is a glorious day here at The Church of Chris Martin for a bevy of beauteous noviates have been selected in order to present our Coldplay warbler with an appropriate and companionable consort.

Our task-master in the search for the second Mrs. Martin–a role that only the most worthy of earthly women can aspire to–is Cardinal Father Timothy. This esteemed Man of Chris has worked tirelessly to cull out of the packs of Church ladies who breathlessly came forward to lay claim to the Great One of Coldplay.  He has prayed for the success of this blessed endeavor.

As such, we now must choose among the candidates, one who will captivate the Yellow warbler and perhaps end his miserable singleton status. The Church has carefully utilized the criteria of what the Coldplay crooner seems to like: slim, bony, blond and attractive. Additionally, we sought out wifely skills that please Chris: environmentally-aware, fair trade advocates, clean water activists, college-educated and likes children. We now present out illustrious group of devout Chris(t)ianites who have made the final cut. This weekend at the Vespers Service, a vote will be taken by all the brethren and sistren as to who might best get Chris to pop the question. Here are the hopeful finalists who hope to land Mother Gwyneth’s ex. Which righteous and comely Church disciple would best end the lonely status of Chris and make him a virtuous wife? Make your selection and vote for your choice at the Vespers Service or Confessional happening  this weekend. Amen. Please note: twin candidates are in the running and so is a candidate who would not allow her photo to be taken.

 

40th Birthday Celebration for Chris Martin: A Great Day of Festivities

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Yes, the day is upon us and we will keep it low key. Our Coldplay crooner has turned 40 years old. This day, among others, is one for all the Church to cleave together and show true adoration and thanks for the blessing of Chris Martin. Here is the 2017 Birthday Liturgy:

On this day we celebrate the birth of Chris Martin, on whom we pray abundant blessings and joy. The Coldplay warbler was born 40 years ago this day and for that we thank Mr. & Mrs. Martin for their delivery into this world of our Great One. We, the Church is his name, offer grateful praise for the gift of this Martinite life.

Hear our prayers that Chris Martin find a worthy wife this year whereby he might lose his singleton status and have a happy home life.  We, the devout of Yellow continually rejoice in this  day of his birth and rejoice in the gifts of his life and love, family and friends. We bless the Brit songster with our continuous presence and devotion, surrounding him with our love. May Chris Martin enjoy many happy years, all of them in the splendor of his divine musical talent.

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We ask that our Birthday balloon release with Coldplay lyrics inside fall upon fertile ground and bless the receiver with the great gift of enlightenment through the scriptural context of the Coldplay oeuvre. In this we prayer. Amen.