COLDPLAYING.COM NEEDS DEODORANT

Dearest in Chris;

In an effort to gauge the interest of our accursed former enemy, coldplaying.com, in coming to a detente in hostilities, I have become a spy and posted several comments on their various threads. I noticed that many of these coldplaying.com misanthropes are in need of deodorant. Several of the debased followers cry out in anguish for the “Ode to Deodorant.” In fact, there is a thread on this debased website devoted entirely to coldplayers pleading for deodorant! How sad this is!

Well here is our reply, which I have posted today on their “deodorant” thread:

ODE to DEODORANT: (REMIX with The Church of Chris Martin)
“I wish I wasn’t as stinky as some may say I am;
My mum tells me I smell like I just came from a dirty trash can.
 
Still there is hope for a filthy sweat hog like me;
I can now smell as fresh and clean as I truly seek to be.
The Church of Chris Martin markets a deodorant called “Fix Me B.O.”
They know the market of stinkers at coldplaying.com will really help their business to grow.
 
So our blessed Chapel of Chris extends this pious invitation to you;
Get rid of that fetid, evil-smelling odor & you can smell as pretty as a daisy too.
All it takes is a 150 Euro dollars to rid coldplaying.com of that malodorous smell;
You can then live happily forever and all will be well.” Amen.
aid1607225-728px-Work-With-a-Person-Who-Has-Body-Odor-Step-2-Version-2.jpgIt does not take much to imagine how bad many of these coldplayers must smell, so let us show some compassion to the musty basement dwellers among them. Eau de Mothballs is not a very attractive scent so hope & pray that they will find it in their hearts (and wallets) to send over an order for the  FIX YOU B.O. Church deodorant. In this we pray. Amen.

aid1607225-728px-work-with-a-person-who-has-body-odor-step-1-version-2May the graciousness of Chris surround you and yours and keep you in good smelling.

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Yes, coldplaying.com.,The Church of Chris will remove that obnoxious odor from your decaying earthly body and also from your fermenting, putrid soul. For only 150 Euro dollars, The Church of Chris Martin will deliver you from the evil of malodorous sins. BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL: Buy 2 bottles of FIX YOU B.O. for only 400 Euro Dollars & get a 2017 Calendar of the Chaste Chicks of Church of Chris Martin for free!  This deal will surely sell out soon!  Get a look at why rock stars the world over clamor for the chance to “study Coldplay lyrics” with these bodacious pilgrims. Don’t wait! Get yours while it lasts!

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN CONDEMNS INDIA for NOT SHOWING SUFFICIENT COLDPLAY ENTHUSIASM.

How dare those Indian music fans denigrate our great band and it’s cherished leader by not displaying the proper levels of love & adoration at the recent Global Citizen Festival.  Indians in Mumbai during the third weekend of November had a chance to receive Coldplay redemption and instead sat in their seats and politely clapped. Whilst singing and spiritually proselytizing his heart out, our beloved Chris Martin received lukewarm response from the cow-worshipping, curry-munching crowd–which this Church in his name takes immense umbrage against. Said to be “one of the starriest nights of the year,” according to a new story,  the who’s who of Bollywood and international celebrities joined hands to spread the message of love and eradicate poverty by 2030.”  This is, of course,  just the sort of thing our beloved balladeers love to do. While some media stories say the Coldplay set went off without a hitch, many on Twitter and Instagram took to their phones at the show to decry the dispassionate reception the dot-heads & spice-rubbers accorded The Great One. Forgive them, Chris, because they know not what they do.

aakyaot In addition, dirty pictures of the Indian Coldplay venue have gone viral and shockingly, show the pig sty mess left behind by the Julabs of Mumbai. This is an insult of the highest order! We at The Church cannot stand for something so disparaging being linked to that which we cherish deeply.  Those 80,000 people at the Global Citizen Festival committed the ultimate atrocity by trashing the sanctified grounds on which the enlightened music of Coldplay played. As God said in the Bible to Moses at the burning bush, “Take off your sandals, for you are on sacred ground.”.

But perhaps the Hindu Gods should have told the e-coli infected,  Ganges River bathers to PICK UP YOUR TRASH, lest you cattle-lovers sully the good name of Coldplay.  Yes, Coldplay tickets cost too much. I, the TRUE WIDOW, have not been able to afford to buy some myself, yet. However, I do not plan to go to a show and leave behind in my wake, a ton of trash such as the Indian turbanators did here. 

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This is disgraceful!  The very people who sought the Coldplay redemption experience, and agreed with the message of the Global Citizen Festival–pledging to do social actions to move the country forward–are the very people who left behind tons of litter in their wake. Social media stopped blathering on about how the pathetic Indians left a lot to be desired in excitement for Coldplay and instead, posted pictures of litter, filth and empty water bottles strewn about the grounds. 

I suppose that these Mumbaians might not know any better but the cattle-cuddlers need to show greater respect to the band and for their desecration of Coldplay, The Church of Chris Martin hereby: CONDEMNS the COUNTRY of INDIA for leaving trash behind to denigrate the performance of the world’s most cherished of spiritual musical  leaders. The Punjabs may not know any better since the country is so backward but certainly they now have been officially  admonished, censured, chastened, chided and rebuked by the holiest of fans and blogsites. This is in accordance with the bylaws of our Church–to show respect for the band at all times. It is a Testament to our divine desire to positively promote all things Coldplay and Chris Martin. To utter the defamatory words of trash and Chris Martin in one sentence is reason enough to be sent straight to the Gates of Hades, where eternal damnation is your ultimate fate.

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It is ordained that The Church of Chris Martin hereby CONDEMNS the 80,000 unwashed Indian litterbugs who trashed the Holy Grounds upon which Coldplay & Chris Martin trod in Mumbai at the Global Citizen Festival. May the mercies of Saint Cobain, our heavenly angel, fall upon your blackened souls hovering at the pit of Hell for the crimes committed against the Holy Chris(tian) Spirit and of which are severe enough in spiritual merit to deliver you into the eternal arms of Satan….and coldplaying.com. It is done. Amen.

FIREBUG ATTACKS CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN

It is with a heavy heart that I alert parishioners at the House of Chris that we have indeed, been set upon by a evil-doer, a desperately wicked, depraved  soul who lit a torch to destroy many of the must sacred and beloved gardens and shrines in which we worship our Musical Master.

The Meditation Garden and Relic of Saints Chapel was damaged,  perhaps beyond repair. I was told by the Virgin Sisters of Faith, who were conducting a Coldplay lyrical study group amid the Yellow Tents, that a hysterical man ran from the flames, shouting “Coldplay concert tickets are too expensive!” He seemed not of right mind and ran towards the nearby rehab facility where so many of our congregation have once been treated at.

Our once heavenly oasis of all that is good and pure in Coldplay has been tarnished.  The lovely Garden Gate of Chris is now burnt and smoldering medal.  Where once butterflies flittered and hummingbirds drank from the nectar of Coldplay, there is little more then charred grounds.3

The Mighty Spiritual Leaders of The Church of Chris Martin have called this fire a brazen spiritual attack at the hands of a disgruntled fan who cannot afford to attend the band’s shows and took it out on the Church in his name.  Vicar and Holy Deacon Brother Rob put forth this statement: