How dare those Indian music fans denigrate our great band and it’s cherished leader by not displaying the proper levels of love & adoration at the recent Global Citizen Festival. Indians in Mumbai during the third weekend of November had a chance to receive Coldplay redemption and instead sat in their seats and politely clapped. Whilst singing and spiritually proselytizing his heart out, our beloved Chris Martin received lukewarm response from the cow-worshipping, curry-munching crowd–which this Church in his name takes immense umbrage against. Said to be “one of the starriest nights of the year,” according to a new story, the who’s who of Bollywood and international celebrities joined hands to spread the message of love and eradicate poverty by 2030.” This is, of course, just the sort of thing our beloved balladeers love to do. While some media stories say the Coldplay set went off without a hitch, many on Twitter and Instagram took to their phones at the show to decry the dispassionate reception the dot-heads & spice-rubbers accorded The Great One. Forgive them, Chris, because they know not what they do.
In addition, dirty pictures of the Indian Coldplay venue have gone viral and shockingly, show the pig sty mess left behind by the Julabs of Mumbai. This is an insult of the highest order! We at The Church cannot stand for something so disparaging being linked to that which we cherish deeply. Those 80,000 people at the Global Citizen Festival committed the ultimate atrocity by trashing the sanctified grounds on which the enlightened music of Coldplay played. As God said in the Bible to Moses at the burning bush, “Take off your sandals, for you are on sacred ground.”.
But perhaps the Hindu Gods should have told the e-coli infected, Ganges River bathers to PICK UP YOUR TRASH, lest you cattle-lovers sully the good name of Coldplay. Yes, Coldplay tickets cost too much. I, the TRUE WIDOW, have not been able to afford to buy some myself, yet. However, I do not plan to go to a show and leave behind in my wake, a ton of trash such as the Indian turbanators did here.
This is disgraceful! The very people who sought the Coldplay redemption experience, and agreed with the message of the Global Citizen Festival–pledging to do social actions to move the country forward–are the very people who left behind tons of litter in their wake. Social media stopped blathering on about how the pathetic Indians left a lot to be desired in excitement for Coldplay and instead, posted pictures of litter, filth and empty water bottles strewn about the grounds.
I suppose that these Mumbaians might not know any better but the cattle-cuddlers need to show greater respect to the band and for their desecration of Coldplay, The Church of Chris Martin hereby: CONDEMNS the COUNTRY of INDIA for leaving trash behind to denigrate the performance of the world’s most cherished of spiritual musical leaders. The Punjabs may not know any better since the country is so backward but certainly they now have been officially admonished, censured, chastened, chided and rebuked by the holiest of fans and blogsites. This is in accordance with the bylaws of our Church–to show respect for the band at all times. It is a Testament to our divine desire to positively promote all things Coldplay and Chris Martin. To utter the defamatory words of trash and Chris Martin in one sentence is reason enough to be sent straight to the Gates of Hades, where eternal damnation is your ultimate fate.
It is ordained that The Church of Chris Martin hereby CONDEMNS the 80,000 unwashed Indian litterbugs who trashed the Holy Grounds upon which Coldplay & Chris Martin trod in Mumbai at the Global Citizen Festival. May the mercies of Saint Cobain, our heavenly angel, fall upon your blackened souls hovering at the pit of Hell for the crimes committed against the Holy Chris(tian) Spirit and of which are severe enough in spiritual merit to deliver you into the eternal arms of Satan….and coldplaying.com. It is done. Amen.