MOTHER GWYNETH SHARES HER PEACHY GOOP DETOX RECIPE!

Mother Gwyneth has deigned to share one of her special detox drink recipes with The Church of Chris Martin.

This refreshing blend is not for the faint of heart. It is full of rare ingredients that will set you off on a hunt to find the exotic spices and secret herbs that Mother Gwyneth claims will clean you out and change your life.

Mother claims in her latest media interview that properly cleaning and detoxifying has changed her personality and made her easier to live with. Please make sure you stay near a bathroom the first few times you try this special blend.

No one here at The Church wishes you to have an “accident,” embarrass yourself or bring publc shame to the good name of Chris Martin by not being able to control your bowels! Drink up!

PEACHY GOOP DETOX DRINK:

2 cup frozen organicPanama peaches
2 cups whole fat pure Hawaiian coconut milk
2 cups ground prunes, pits removed,
1 cup freshly grated organic dates
2 cups Fiber-All colon cleanse psyllium seed husks
1 scoop vanilla brown rice, hemp or pea-based protein powder (such as Vega, Living Harvest or Sun Warrior) (optional)
1 cup ground organic flaxseed
A few sprinkles of grated coconut (optional)

Blend until smooth and creamy. You will lose that pesky holiday bloat, improve overall digestion, boost energy, and strengthen your immune system. By cleansing your body, your marriage will be revitalized and you will stop yelling at your kids. Your sex life will improve, unless you are like Mother Gwyneth and don’t have marital relations with your put-upon husband anymore. Remember to stay near a bathroom and wear Depends or any other adult diaper, should you develop an intolerance to this “beauty regime.”

“I WANT COLDPLAY” as sung to “I WANT CANDY” by Bow Wow Wow

“I WANT COLDPLAY!”

I know a band that’s on hiatus–I wish they’d tour;
The music of Coldplay is the best–that’s for sure.
Chris Martin is so fine–in fact, The Church of Chris Martin believes he’s divine.
He’s got everything to be desired, except he can’t cook & sets his kitchens on fire.

I want Coldplay, I want Coldplay!
Go to see them when they come to my town;
Love their music and love their sound.

The band is so sweet, they make my mouth water.

I want Coldplay, I want Coldplay, Yeah!

Coldplay on the beach; Coldplay when eating a peach;
Coldplay when they’re on the Ellen Show, although that’s kind of lame, I know.
Coldplay–the biggest band in the universe. Why is coldplaying.com so perverse?

Coldplay–there’s nothing better.
But I like Coldplay to wear nothing but a sweater.
Some day soon I pray that Mother Gwyneth splits;
That GOOP website of hers is really the pits!

I want Coldplay! I want Coldplay!

TRUE BROMANCE: CHRIS MARTIN & JAY Z…..

CHRIS & JAY Z…sitting in a tree;
writing songs and lyrics without Gwynneth & Bee.

Now the boys are getting together to ring in the New Year doing a show.
Hope the wives will be around to keep an eye on “things,” but what do I know?

Word on the street is that Chris got a yen for jungle bunnies;
and now it looks like Chris got a thing for some rapper honey.

I guess years of being hitched to the GOOP lady has taken it’s toll;
Let us here at The Church of Chris Martin now pray for Chris Martin’s soul!