CHRIS WANTS TO FLY “UP WITH THE BIRDS / REMIX”

“Up With The Birds” REMIX entitled “PROPHET ARISING / UP WITH THE BIRDS”
The birds they sing to me at break of day.

You can fly like us,” I hear them say.

It’s so hard to believe but I will find a way.
The birds they sang and sounded just like a choir,
“Start again after you smoke one and feel a little bit high.”.
It’s a spark in my mind that I can fly.The sky is blue,
Dreamed that I sprouted wings too.
I took off flying up above;

hey, this soaring about I think I really love.
My arms turn into wings,
Oh what an absolutely wonderful thing.
Send me up to that heavenly world where I can prophecy;
I guess The Church of Chris Martin is actually right about me!Might have to go where they don’t know Coldplay;
Float all over the world and on clouds I will lay.
Absorbing wisdom and mercy as I streak towards the sun.

Hey man, this flying business is sure a lot of fun!A simple plot but I know that I am anointed in this day;

What other big rock star gets to fly around this way?
People may say that I am mediocre or steal music from other folks;
But I can fly & you can’t; otherwise I am just a regular bloke.

CHRIS: WATCH OUT FOR THAT MAN-EATER RIHANNA!

WATCH OUT FOR RIHANNA!

Chris, as you make your way thru Hollywood;

The Church would like to offer some advice, if we could?

Your “Princess of China” is no royal indeed;

Did you see that tabloid shot of her in Hawaii smoking weed?

It’s fun to collaborate with others and Rihanna does add some spice;

But her reputation is nasty ghetto & yours is too nice.

If you want to sex up Coldplay by having her sing along;

I guess The Church of Chris Martin cannot begrudge you one song.

Just take our advice, Dear Brit warbler and please beware;

We issue this warning to you because we care!

 

YOU ARE CORDIALLY UNVITED to The Glastonbury Pilgrim’s Shrine Unveiling~


THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN
is
Pleased to invite you and one guest
to the:
Glastonbury Holy Pilgrims 3 INVOCATION-
in honor of the unveiling of the Pilgrim Shrine.
Glastonbury Road-Yellow Tent Event/
Sanctification Stage/ June 2012/  Please RSVP


Join such notables as Father Drobbingdon’s ex-wife (who demands to attend), the True Widow, Saint Stephania, Sister Beatrice, the Virgins of Glastonbury, Deaconess Pamela DD, & various Church altar boys as The Church of Chris Martin proudly unveils The Glastonbury Pilgrim’s Monument to a waiting world. Sip the Holy Chalice of Chris Martin water & enjoy fair-trade coffee; dine on organic, Meat-free Monday vegetarian cuisine recipes straight from the GOOP kitchen of Mother Gwyneth.

Write a message to Chris on the Coldplay Wailing Wall. An actual living Church “Saint” has been invited although he will most likely be busy touring the world with his High Flying Birds. Yes, that would be newly ordained Saint Noel Gallagher out of (formerly) Oasis. Should Saint Gallagher actually show up, the Church of Chris Martin will extend every gracious hospitality to our most recent honoree. Condemned former Saint Bono’s golden throne and mother-of-pearl commode now awaits the usage of the Wonderwall warbler. Sister Lilith de Sinenomine, Bono’s former “pre-tour trainer” will be available to “assist” the new Saint, if desired. There will be a dance performance from the Church of Chris dancers, providing the Glasto vice squad does not shut it down for indecency The lovely Church “artistes” plan an au naturale “interpretive dance” to the song “Paradise.”

The Church of Chris Martin will also have an opening night screening of the Church documentary “Meet & Greet the Tour Buses & Spread the Good Word of Chris.” (We advice that children or the easily upset not partake of this “documentary performance.”

Should the Glastonbury Pilgrims be let out of their court-ordered sex rehab clinic, they plan to also attend the unveiling of their Pilgrim’s Shrine. Let these brave warriors for Chris regale you with their tales of mud and mayhem as they divinely trekked in anticipation of Coldplay redemption. The faithful wanderers will show the great suffering they endured during their pilgrimage as they stayed in shabby UK motels, ate day old meals in front of  dusty TV sets, and most appalling–made the acquaintance of several Brit chicks with pasty, white skin, mottled teeth and a most unattractive visage! How those poor men suffered for Coldplay! It is their life-and-death struggle that we honor at the Glastonbury Shrine unveiling.

The Yellow Tent will host several literary endeavors that pay homage to the greatness of Coldplay & Chris:

Learn how to “study Coldplay lyrics” with a nubile member of the opposite sex. Take it to the “next level” with a workshop of “deciphering Coldplay metaphors.”  Wanna get lucky-try getting cozy with “puzzles & mysteries of Coldplay lyrics.”  Father Drobbingdon’s collection of flattering photos of Chris (those he did not abscond with) will be on display. The True Widow will speak on how she used these flattering photos to turn gay prison ladies into hetero converts of Chris. A “Sacred Address to the Flock” by the Glasto Pilgrims is expected to be well attended; Please RSVP NOW for guaranteed seating to:
(indoctrination@thechurchofchrismartin.com)

Go in the Blessing of Chris forevermore. Viva!

THE SIMPSON’S AS A SYMBOL of HUMOR & FRIVOLITY in the life of CHRIS MARTIN!

Think that Chris Martin is a humorless prig and snooty Brit without a funny bone?
No, I am not mixing him up with his wife-GOOP Gwyneth either. The Simpson’s-a classic American Television show featured Chris Martin and Coldplay on it’s 20th Anniversary Extravaganza-January 31, 2010! Glory be to God!

This is, indeed-a very deep and meaningful event in the evolution of Coldplay as a band. On the surface, a superficial glance would just elicit a yawn as yet another bunch of uptight Brits strut their animated selves on Sunday night. But this is not just any band–it is Coldplay! As such, the cartoon will be full of secret symbolism, cerebral meanings, cryptic messages and loads of secrets with which The Church of Chris Martin must frantically uncover!  And Chris Martin–he of the ever-so-serious social conscience and deep-thinking lyrics will surely include an environmental or fair trade blurb somewhere in there.  Might this Simpson’s visit be an indication of a lightness of being; a new awareness of humor and yearning to connect on a satirical level.  Might some of the playful defamation of this Blessed Website in honor of the Great Coldplay warbler have rubbed off our Soul Master and he is now ready to tickle some funny bones? (I am not referring to bones and Kate Bosworth here!)


The Simpson’s is one of the longest running American sitcoms and animated programs–now over 20 years old! The series is a parody of a working-class American family and takes stabs at and lampoons American culture, society, television, and dysfunctional family relationships-of which it is a prime example.  The Simpson’s have won numerous awards and has been named one of the best television series of the 20th century.

The story is basic: a typical Middle American family from generic Springfield. There is a stereotypical husband and wife, 3 kids. a dog and cat who all add a quirky flavor to the show.
Though it is dysfunctional dynamics among the family-the characters also come across as warm and caring. Really-the Simpson’s are just an animated version of- life.  The show–much like Coldplay– exists in it’s own universe and reality.  The show (and Coldplay) interact and explore modern day issues in a sometimes controversial and timely manner. Perhaps Chris Martin sees himself as Homer Simpson-a hapless husband and father-trying his best to survive in these chaotic times?  I do believe The Great One feels a kinship to the Simpson character, and a certain frustration, as well, with his public image. By doing a gig on the Simpson’s, I believe Coldplay is reaching out to the world to let us all know that they do not take themselves as seriously as their music might appear to do.

And though many dismiss Coldplay and Chris Martin as overly serious–this is a perfect opportunity for our Blessed namesake to feature his lighter side in a cool series that lots of hip people made a point to watch every week. Yes–even the entertainment industry does not escape the withering poke of humorous satire that is the Simpson’s show.  Chris Martin is showing us that he is a big boy and can take it like a man . Gwyneth and the turmoil in the Martin hearth side may have emasculated Chris Martin somewhat, but on the boob tube, he can show he still has that sense of humor in tact. I even think that our Great One may take a sort of perverse pleasure in watching his band castigated and be made to wait to play while Homer Simpson takes a bathroom break.  How utterly charming and self-deprecating that is.

It is no wonder that so many love and admire this band and Chris Martin.  There are Church women falling all over themselves to share a Holy moment with Prophet Martin. Here we have one of the biggest and best music-makers the world over all but ready to be ridiculed by none other than a cartoon character. The heavy politics and liberal leanings of the show are a brief aside; the real meat-and-potato’s here is Coldplay’s ability to make fun of themselves and show that they certainly do not take themselves too seriously!

If you don’t already love and admire Coldplay and Chris Martin-you certainly will after watching him parody himself and the band on The Simpsons.

CHRIS MARTIN GETTING THE JUNGLE BUNNY YEN AFTER ALL THOSE SKINNY BLONDES!

We will not even go there with Chris going bromance with his great buddy, Jay-Z, but a curious thing has happened that all who worship at this virtual church of Chris have noticed! Chris Martin has jungle fever!

Perhaps it is a natural reaction to the Coldplay warbler’s innate preference for skinny blondes. Father Drobbingdon, while he was still with us, once claimed that Chris preferred these string bean women because he was a virgin for so long and felt intimidated by “real women.” However, as our prophet has made the Hollywood rounds and squired many an aging party girl (Cameron Diaz) or well known anorexic music groupie, (Kate Bosworth) perhaps he has come to an appreciation of beautiful, dark-skinned jungle bunnies at last?

First, Beyonce broke Chris in to dark love. Those two are supposedly “just friends” but from the looks of this picture, I bet Chris would like to “Yellow” Mrs. Carter, if given half the chance! Can you blame the poor bloke? Beyonce is a REAL WOMAN, although those thighs can crush a lesser man with one squeeze! Watch out, our dear Chris!

Now he have Chris acting all sexy with Rihanna and singing together at the Grammy’s. Rihanna’s another little hot jungle tamale–perhaps “too hot” for our mild-mannered Brit warbler. But now that Chris is a big rock star, he probably feels entitled to try to get under Rihanna’s “umbrella.” It’s all good. Fans of Chris and the Church should be pleased that Chris is exploring all facets of his desires and feels ready to Viva la Vida unique women beyond those pale, scrawny flaxen-haired toothpicks he normally ends up with. Chris might have grown up repressing fantasies about sexy black chicks and since he was a “good boy,” this might be something that his therapist tells him he needs to act on now, in order to “become authentic” to himself.

Let us pray that Prophet Martin can satisfy his desires properly and that our Coldplay crooner can move beyond his normal taste for bony blond babes and enjoy all that the female species has to offer. You will notice I specifically said “female.” The Church is also praying that Chris overcomes his “unusual” fixation on Jay-Z and realizes that it seems  unseemly that he continues to gush endlessly about that New Jersey thug. Now that Beyonce is a happy mother, and not interested in cheating with Chris, perhaps he should try and entice Rihanna away from that dog Ashton Kutchner or that other ghetto thug named Chris–Chris Brown. Nothing like a good 3-way fight for some of Ri-Ri’s “umbrella!”

BONO THREATENS TO RETURN TO DALLIANCES with TEEN AGED GIRLS if the CHURCH STRIPS HIM OF SAINTHOOD TITLE!

His humanitarian campaigning, do-gooder impulses, and friendships with world leaders have served Bono well. Even his fervent Catholicism seems to have paid off with an easy audience visit with the Pope at the Vatican. On the surface, Bono out of U2 seems like a good guy and a nice family man. However, off duty, the U2 singer seems to have a second personality–and one in which young, nubile teens play a big role.

Pictures included show the 48-year-old with his arm round two bikini-clad young girls, (not his wife or daughters) as they carouse at a beach bar in St Tropez. He also joined his angel-faced companions for more drinking and dancing aboard Bono’s private yacht.

Bono wants to ‘change the world’ but we here at the Church of Chris Martin politely suggest that Bono reign in his tendency for young flesh and try harder to “change his world.”

I wonder what Mrs. Bono would make of this? It is this extreme lapse in good judgement that caused the Irish showman to curry to the needs of Courtney “Harridan” Love when she needed someone to vouch for her to get a new apartment in NYC. Bono, apparently, to the rescue of the Vicious Vagina. Not so fast, says The Church of Chris Martin. This little “favor” is grounds for termination of Sainthood. Bono is aware that Heavenly Saint Cobain–our ministering angel in the eternal realm–is there precisely because the herpes-lipped Widow Love had her husband put down due to imminent divorce actions.

For Bono to get back into the good grace of the Church proper, he will need to condemn his aid of the she devil Love. Bono will need to make amends to his wife for this scandalous assignation with these teens in the South of France. Certainly, this is no “pre-tour training,” but if Bono tries to make trouble with the Church of Chris Martin over his defrocking, we shall send another passionate Church “worshiper” his way to put out his back once again and maybe something else too!

Those who are exalted in The Church of Chris Martin have a duty to uphold themselves in the best light possible. No matter that our namesake prophet Martin cats around on Mother Gwyneth in Hollywood with a bunch of skinny blond minnies–he is confused about his marital state and is “working out some personal problems.”Nevertheless, Bono is now no longer a Saint and Noel Gallagher is! Perhaps Bono should find some more tender young flesh to grapple with in a South of France jacuzzi to ease the pain of being no longer a Holy Eminence in the Church of Chris? Viva!

SAINT BONO APPEALS TO THE POPE for HELP BUT SAINT GALLAGHER WILL BE ORDAINED!

Saint Bono is frantically appealing for aid from several religious leaders to avoid being demoted to a mere mortal at The Church of Chris Martin. The Irish warbler made a fatal mistake by coming to the aid of the Vicious Vagina, Courtney Love out of Hole. The U2 front man suffered an extreme lapse in good judgement by writing this STD-laden shrew a letter of recommendation so she could rent another Hell Hole after being evicted from her last place. This news did not sit well with the Chapel of Chris, His Holy Elders and the very devoted True Widow. These righteous souls demanded Saint Bono pay for his sins by being stripped of his Holy Mantle and Sainthood. As the Church of Chris Martin defrocks Bono, we seek out to exalt a new saint who has now come to his senses about Coldplay and Chris Martin.

It is said that the wife of Noel Gallagher met Mother Gwyneth at some kind of London Day Spa & these two fecund females conspired to get their better halves to say good things about each other. Whether that is true or not, we must first revisit some of the nasty things Noel Gallagher let spew out of his feverish mouth, back in the day he was with Oasis and had to deal with his dysfunctional and devilish brother, Liam.

Yes, Noel Gallagher is currently making the promotional rounds and musical circuits to promote his latest solo effort! The High Flying Birds captain did Chris Martin a major and timely solid, admitting he was a big fan of their music & that he appreciates Coldplay’s songwriting. Who would have thought that possible? This generosity is even more unexpected when you recall that Noel once compared Coldplay to “bland, faceless fucking trainee police officers.” But that was before Noel had it out with his dim-witted brother, Liam, whose mouth is even more depraved and festering than Noel’s. The fact that these two brothers are Gallagher’s is enough to mean that they normally get their jollies from bashing other musicians.

However, this obligation to hate seems to have evaporated in Noel Gallagher. Perhaps the former Oasis bad boy has had a revelation of sorts and come to a Holy Conclusion that Coldplay rocks and Chris Martin is a prophet–words that this Church has been proclaiming all along. If so, this is surely a blessing and a major step forward for what were formerly termed by Father Drobbingdon–“the imbecile Gallagher brothers.”

As such, the Church of Chris Martin will go forward in their efforts to proclaim Noel Gallagher an official Saint of the Church of Chris Martin, as long as he maintains control over his Manchester mouth. The conscription into Sainthood will be proclaimed this weekend at The Chapel Of Chris Liturgical Summit. May all who seek redemption in Coldplay rise up and give glory to our-soon-to-be-newest Saint, Noel Gallagher, formerly out of Oasis and currently out of the High Flying Birds. Amen.