GET IN LINE TO PROPOSE TO CHRIS MARTIN ON LEAP DAY!

Hello Beloved Brethren and Most Excited Sistren!

Today is February 29th. This is a rare day on the calendar–falling only  about once every four years, in what’s called a “leap year.”

This is, indeed, a glorious and romantic day because on a leap day,  women are permitted to propose to men–according to tradition. How wonderful is that? And with that being said, let the Church of Chris Martin Leap Day Line-Up of Eager Hopeful Brides begin!

Breathless women in anticipation of a spiritual uniting with our Soul Master Chris Martin have been loitering around the Chapel of Chris since noon yesterday. Dressed in their finest matrimonial gear and clutching their Coldplay CD’s and flattering photos of Chris, these feverish females want to put their names on the list of women to be put forward to the beloved Coldplay warbler, if Mr. Martin ever finally disentangles himself from Mother Gwyneth. Being that Chris is, unfortunately, not a Mormon, (yet) the faithful female flock of followers can only helplessly stand by, ready to commit themselves to the boyishly polite Brit crooner. How ironic that now women the world over swoon for Chris, but Chris’s only girlfriend has been his multi-tasking wife, Mother Gwyneth. The Church of Chris Martin #2 would like to address that by putting forward a great font of female fabulousness that Chris might consider, if he should one day regain his “freedom”

Now it might be that several of these hopeful brides might be deluding themselves as to their innate desirability to Chris. It has been previously documented that the Coldplay singer likes his women bony and blond. Not for Chris is a fetching, full-figured femme fatale, despite Chris’s obvious fascination with Beyonce and Rhianna. But that is another post all together and will be addressed in the near future. Therefore, if you are a lady well over 300 lbs. in weight, consider your chances for Chris at slim to none.

Furthermore, Chris was brought up in a good Christian home. He is not the usual debased rock star, but seems to gravitate towards wholesome types. A sexed-up groupie might catch the Prophet’s eye in passing, but I doubt that the Blessed One would allow a herpes-infested jezebel to touch that glorious earthy body of his. So if you are little more than a backstage tramp or slut, save yourselves for Jared Leto out of that Mars band.

Lastly, a turgid understanding and knowledge of all Coldplay teachings, liturgies, cryptic lyrical meanings and a keen sense of humor can only delight our Dearest Chris. So if you are a witty, well-read, politically-involved potential Mrs. Martin, consider yourself lucky, as Chris has a wonderful mind and likes to banter intelligently with his paramours.

Let the Good Word now go out to all Church Fecund Faithful Females: Supplicate yourself to the Divine Coldplay Mercy and throw yourselves on the Altar of Chris. Pray deliriously that Chris Martin, upon his long-awaited shattering of his marital vows with the GOOP MOTHER, will find you worthy to become his spiritual conquest and ecumenical soul mate. All tithes collected today will be set aside in a fraud-proof account, whereby any lucky pious worshipers who manage to rope in the desirable Soul Master will have a substantial dowry to pay Chris’s family off with, in celebration of the Martinite nuptials.

Go in faith and a purity of mind. Pray for Prophet Martin to have a clear vision of YOU as his next bride! Happy Leap Day to all!

PILGRIMAGE TO THE HOLY LAND OF CHRIS MARTIN’S BIRTHPLACE-RESERVE YOUR SPOT NOW!

Dearest Friends of Chris,

As February winds down and March approaches, the upcoming Holy Birthday of Prophet Martin will soon be upon us. As we, The Church of Chris Martin, are called by God to proclaim the greatness of our Coldplay warbler, it is now incumbent upon us to make that divine journey north for the Chris Martin Birth Jubilee!

Last year, The Church successfully trekked to Exeter, Devon to pay homage to the life and birth of the Prophet Martin. In a trip filled with exciting activities and visits to shrines and places of Martinite worship, The Church became filled with blessed tidings of Coldplay glory. Many in our Chapel of Chris feel that the trip to honor Chris was a valuable spiritual precursor for those that experienced the Coldplay Redemption at Glastonbury later on that summer.

By our efforts to experience the early life and times of our Great One of Coldplay, a greater understanding of Coldplay lyrics, metaphors, similes, and cryptic meanings can be ascertained. Any true fan of Coldplay and lover of Chris will want to thrill to the revelations of his early life in the lovely northern England countryside.

The schedule will be much like last years. First, as a sign of respect for the blessed womb that birthed our Music Master, we shall lay a wreath of beautiful flowers at the front doorstep of the Martin family home. So as not to appear pushy to the Martin’s, all pilgrims must refrain from attempting to contact Mr. & Mrs. Martin although our hearts cry out in thanks for their part in making Chris Martin appear 9 months after some limey hanky-panky. The Coldplay singer’s pre-preparatory Hylton School and preparatory Exeter Cathedral School is on the visiting agenda as it was at the prep school that Martin formed his first band–The Rocking Honkies. According to Wikipedia, “their debut performance was met with boos from the crowd.” Shameful!After Exeter Cathedral, it is on to the Sherborne School, a boys’ independent school in Dorset, where Chris met future Coldplay manager Phil Harvey, the so-called “5th member” of the band.

This pilgrimage will seek out special places where Chris liked to recreate at, such as the local park, cinema complex and local music shops. As always, special jaunts to honor Chris are sure to sell out fast so get your non-refundable deposits in now!. The best way to experience Chris Martin in all his merciful magnificence is to come pay a visit and honor his early years. May Mrs. Martin accept our esteemed thanks and good graces for the miraculous birth of the Blessed Coldplayer. Viva!

PLEASE WELCOME SAINT STEFANIA EP

Dearest Holy Ones:hear our entreaties upon the merciful God that he will grant our request to honor and ordain a True Friend of The Church of Chris Martin #2.

The grace on the lips of Dear Sister Stefania Ep shines forth like a beacon-fire of true devotion to the Blessed One, our musical Prophet Chris Martin, out of Coldplay. Thus illuminating our universe and bestowing upon our fallen world, the treasures of Chris Martin’s talent, gentleness and good works. But as thou has instructed, we seek out cherished earthy souls to aid our cause of teaching the world the merits of Martin. Worthy souls of redeemed virtue and with a true understanding of Church teachings are to be upheld in honor as they have become an ecumenical example of chaste piety and devotion to the Coldplay warbler.

Thy voices shall go out  into all the world, in those that hath received the Good Word of Prophet Martin, instructing the wicked, miserable, fornicating, demon-possessed masses that there is Hope in Coldplay redemption. May our ordaining of a loyal Facebook Friend and true apostle of Chris be an example to all who love the Brit balladeer that a  well-pleasing God will look kindly upon the Church of Chris Martin #2 and bless our small group with burgeoning membership and supreme power to stamp out the scourge of coldplaying.com forevermore. It will also strike the fear of God into those debased rock stars who might issue mouth utterances that cast aspersions on the wonderfulness of Coldplay and Chris.

O Royal Priesthood of Chris Martin, Sainted Heavenly Cobain, and assorted other Friends of the Church, we pray today for the ordination of Sister Stefania into the Anointed Pilgrims of Chris Martin. Allow that our souls may arise in the assumption of Coldplay rapture and that we be as one in a divine delight of eternal love for Chris Martin. Sister Stefania has been found worthy of the glory of the Exalted Honor of Saint in the Church of Chris Martin #2. It is commanded and proclaimed that February 27th will hereby become the official day of celebration and jubilee in praise of the merits of our NEW SAINT STEFANIA EP.  Today will we hold the First Feast of Saint Stefania in the Church rectory but as it is commanded by Chris to be another Meat-Free Monday. As such, we must only enjoy vegetarian cuisines and free traded alcoholic beverages.

Through the prayers of all the Saints–both earthly and heavenly, O Lord, grant us thy peace, and have mercy upon us–The Most Holy Chapel of Love for Musical Prophet Chris Martin. Amen.

GOD PUT A SMILE UPON CHRIS MARTIN’S FACE (Remix)

The Church of Chris is here again, but nobody knows?
I’ve gotta get the Good Word out some more, I suppose.
God gave Chris an anointed style among the human race;
God put a smile upon Chris Martin’s face.

Where do we go to draw the line on those coldplayers.com?
I’ve gotta say…they are a waste of time & their site is a bomb!
Where do I go to exalt Our Chris?
God put a smile upon His face, Yeah, and that ain’t no diss!

Now when you work it out, you will know it’s true;
Yeah when you work it out, Chris has eyes of the deepest blue!
Now when you work out where to draw the line, God please help me make The Church of Chris Martin #2 not so assinine.

Where do we go to praise Our Prophet in Truth?
Don’t you agree that coldplaying.com is so uncouth? They are on their way down yet once again. Let’s not sit around here & pretend to be their friend!

God gave Chris style and gave Him grace.
And put a smile upon The Church of Chris Martin #2’s blessed face.

WARNING TO GALLAGHER BROTHERS: NO DISS ON OUR CHRIS!

It is not all merriment and good times when the subject is broached here at The Church of Chris Martin about those dysfunctional Manchester rotter brothers-The Gallagher’s–out of Oasis. We here at the Chapel of Chris have long memories. We recall way back in 2005 the following:
“LIAM GALLAGHER has called COLDPLAY frontman CHRIS MARTIN a “knobhead student” for expressing strong anti-war views at a fundraising show.

The Oasis singer slammed Martin for his comments at the band’s Teenage Cancer Trust show In London in March 2005, where he encouraged the sell-out crowd at the Royal Albert Hall to “sing against war”.
Gallagher also labelled Martin’s Oscar-winning actress wife Mother Gwyneth Paltrow a “gawky bird”. (Now, the chaste women worshipers here at The Church have no problem with that one keen observation!)

“The verbal assault came after Gallagher appeared as a special guest at Richard Ashcroft’s Teenage Cancer Trust show.  He told The Sun : “When Coldplay did this gig they banged on about the war, that’s wrong. Chris Martin shouldn’t be using this cause to bang on about his own views on the war. If him and his gawky bird want to go banging on about the war they can do it at their own gigs.” (Okay, we can’t get mad about the Gallagher mouth working overtime when he is dissing bony blond Mother!)

“That lot are just a bunch of knobhead students – Chris Martin looks like a geography teacher. What’s all that with writing messages about Free Trade on his hand when he’s playing. If he wants to write things down I’ll give him a pen and a pad of paper.” What a bunch of blasphemous drivel from the stupider of the Gallagher brothers.

In addition to the pus-filled insults that the bushy-eyebrow future lounge singer Liam spewed out of his canker-sore mouth, there is this added tidbit:

Later on, in October of 2005, the cantankerous limey kept up his demonizing of  Our Blessed One:

“Liam Gallagher launched into an angry tirade against Coldplay at yesterday’s Q Awards in London calling them ‘plant pots’ and other obscenities.

Chris Martin apparently annoyed Liam when he dedicated Coldplay’s gong for ‘Best Act In The World’ to the Mancunians at the Grosvenor House Hotel bash.

Martin said: “Liam is charming. He said some rude things but, you know, we don’t have an argument with anyone. We’d like to show our undying love and respect for Oasis.”

Reacting to the comment, spouting “Knobhead. Come on, have a pop. You’re a plant pot.”

Ever the showman, Liam reportedly later said: “That lot are wankers. Fuck them.” Perhap Mr. Beady Eyes Liam should take a note of what happened to the last debased rocker who dared to utter the “wanker” word in regard to Our Chris. Saint Bono–out of U2, normally a decent chap, made the mistake of (perhaps) jokingly referring to the Coldplay crooner as a “wanker” once. Look what happened to U2 after that? The angels of Chris put the kibosh on U2 record sales & though U2 did have a successful and lucrative run with the 360 Tour, poor Saint Bono was put out of commission by a lusty Church groupie who sought her revenge for the Irish Guinness guzzler insulting our Master. The “tour preparations” that cracked the spine of the Irish lothario should serve as a warning and lesson to any and all jealous and foul-mouthed fellow rock stars, to NEVER TAKE THE NAME OF CHRIS MARTIN in VAIN!   Amen.

MOTHER GWYNETH WANTS YOU TO TRY HER POOP!

Mother Gwyneth Paltrow recently launched THE GOOP CLEANSE, a Paltrow-branded digestive cleansing kit. It is a snobby version of those Colon Cleanse kits you can buy at the Vitamin Shoppe for $20. This  modified version of the Blessed Mother’s beloved “go-to cleanse,” THE GOOP CLEANSE costs $425 and consists of the following:

• Protein powder
Fiber powder
• Probiotic

• Insulin regulator
• Cleanse Manual
Digestive enzyme
• Encourage: Stronger probiotic
• Herbal anti-microbial

*Liver support

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Is it any wonder why our beloved Soul Master is so devoted to his wonderfully concerned wife, who cares about your colon health, and by extension, thinning out your wallet too?

 

Now the Bony Blond from Hollywood would like to FIX YOU with her newest product: POOP!

 

Because Mother Gwyneth is so obsessed with perfecting her inner person, she has now become enlightened about the role of bowel movements & their place in the full spectrum of life. As GOOP as brought a haughty relevance to those 1%-ers who can actually afford all the over-priced scrapbooks and exotic cooking ingredients Mother hyperventilates over, now comes Mrs. Martin with an urgent desire to cause the fecal matter to flow graciously from your overextended bowels!

 

YOUR POOP KIT    (inspired Mother Gwyneth says “by Coldplay,”)  consists of:

 

*Violet Hill (Prune Juice)

*Strawberry Swing (Vitamin C emulsion)

*The Scientist (disposable  bowel speculums)

*Shiver (anti-diarrhea herbal remedy)

*Yellow-(anti-jaundice relief for hepatitis)

*Lovers in Japan-(sushi enema kit)

*The Hardest Part-(natural stool softeners)

*Hurts Like Heaven (constipation poetry)

*Charlie Brown (bowel color interpretation)

and last, but certainly not least, something that The anointed wife of our Soul Master promises to make you feel like a Queen when you are on your bathroom throne:

 

*The Reign of Love-(assorted comfort accessories to make you feel like POOP royalty-a tiara or crown, bowel signet ring, velvet-draped cape and golden scepter-which can be used to pound on the walls for the help to assist you. The POOP inflatable toilet seat offers a stylish yet comfortable alternative to the usual bathroom decor quandary.

 

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Many pious female parishioners in our Chapel of Chris insist that Mother Gwyneth is full of shit. If that is indeed true, it is her fervent desire to help you to GOOP your POOP!  Mother knows well the wretched acts that go on in the bathroom. But she is no  bowel terrorist. It is no small feat that she looks as perfectly beautiful as she does and that fact alone is the best endorsement we can give of Mother’s POOP!

 

http://www.POOP.com for more info.