Hello Beloved Brethren and Most Excited Sistren!
Today is February 29th. This is a rare day on the calendar–falling only about once every four years, in what’s called a “leap year.”
This is, indeed, a glorious and romantic day because on a leap day, women are permitted to propose to men–according to tradition. How wonderful is that? And with that being said, let the Church of Chris Martin Leap Day Line-Up of Eager Hopeful Brides begin!
Breathless women in anticipation of a spiritual uniting with our Soul Master Chris Martin have been loitering around the Chapel of Chris since noon yesterday. Dressed in their finest matrimonial gear and clutching their Coldplay CD’s and flattering photos of Chris, these feverish females want to put their names on the list of women to be put forward to the beloved Coldplay warbler, if Mr. Martin ever finally disentangles himself from Mother Gwyneth. Being that Chris is, unfortunately, not a Mormon, (yet) the faithful female flock of followers can only helplessly stand by, ready to commit themselves to the boyishly polite Brit crooner. How ironic that now women the world over swoon for Chris, but Chris’s only girlfriend has been his multi-tasking wife, Mother Gwyneth. The Church of Chris Martin #2 would like to address that by putting forward a great font of female fabulousness that Chris might consider, if he should one day regain his “freedom”
Now it might be that several of these hopeful brides might be deluding themselves as to their innate desirability to Chris. It has been previously documented that the Coldplay singer likes his women bony and blond. Not for Chris is a fetching, full-figured femme fatale, despite Chris’s obvious fascination with Beyonce and Rhianna. But that is another post all together and will be addressed in the near future. Therefore, if you are a lady well over 300 lbs. in weight, consider your chances for Chris at slim to none.
Furthermore, Chris was brought up in a good Christian home. He is not the usual debased rock star, but seems to gravitate towards wholesome types. A sexed-up groupie might catch the Prophet’s eye in passing, but I doubt that the Blessed One would allow a herpes-infested jezebel to touch that glorious earthy body of his. So if you are little more than a backstage tramp or slut, save yourselves for Jared Leto out of that Mars band.
Lastly, a turgid understanding and knowledge of all Coldplay teachings, liturgies, cryptic lyrical meanings and a keen sense of humor can only delight our Dearest Chris. So if you are a witty, well-read, politically-involved potential Mrs. Martin, consider yourself lucky, as Chris has a wonderful mind and likes to banter intelligently with his paramours.
Let the Good Word now go out to all Church Fecund Faithful Females: Supplicate yourself to the Divine Coldplay Mercy and throw yourselves on the Altar of Chris. Pray deliriously that Chris Martin, upon his long-awaited shattering of his marital vows with the GOOP MOTHER, will find you worthy to become his spiritual conquest and ecumenical soul mate. All tithes collected today will be set aside in a fraud-proof account, whereby any lucky pious worshipers who manage to rope in the desirable Soul Master will have a substantial dowry to pay Chris’s family off with, in celebration of the Martinite nuptials.