SAINT BONO & U2 MUST SHOW RESPECT to COLDPLAY as their JOSHUA TREE TOUR SELLS OUT ACROSS THE WORLD

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The Church of Chris Martin wishes to extend thanks to Saint Bono out of U2 and the rest of the band for showing restraint in their latest challenge to Coldplay for the biggest band in the world designation. The boozy boys from Ireland have hit a payday with their latest stunt to steal the thunder from our Beloved Brit songster of Coldplay. Here is what one breathless article said about U2’s big upcoming Joshua Tree 20th Anniversary hurrah:

U2  seem to have made a winning move in announcing a reboot of their Joshua Tree tour. The tour, revisiting the band’s iconic 1987 album, already had incredible promise before the band announced an expansion of the summer stadium tour. U2, boasting record ticket sales—1.1 million tickets in 24 hours!—in America and already sold-out summer shows in Europe, have added a few more shows to the tour.”

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The Celtic Ale gobblers had best not get in the way of Coldplay as they also travel the world promoting the “Head Full of Dreams” tour. The Church bowed down to Pope Francis, who demanded that we forgive the Irish lothario for high treason after he vouched for the Vicious Vagina, Courtney (Hole) Love in NYC. Saint Bono managed to hang on to his prestigious designation as a High Saint in our Church but many still call him a traitor and the True Widow does not trust him anymore. But calmer heads have prevailed and Bono is safe in his Sainthood for now.

We expect U2 to conduct themselves in a proper manner as they go out on the road at the same time as Coldplay. The Church is aware of the heated debate online over which band is the biggest in the world. U2’s tours, indeed, have a history of big success. Their most recent tour, the ill-fated (health-wise) 2009 “360” tour, had the highest tour tallies of any reported to Billboard.” We will give the U2 tax-dodgers that much. But they must be low-key and respectful of Coldplay as the Brit band traipses the world. U2 must not gloat, brag or challenge Coldplay for supremacy, lest Bono get another visit from a “passionate lyrical assistant” who is looking to put another body part of his out. The Church of Chris Martin will welcome U2 to the 2017 tour road but any monkey business from the Emerald Isle Guinness Guzzlers will be challenged, if they embarrass or try to show up Coldplay in any way. The Church will be watching closely to see if Saint Bono and his cohorts show proper restraint and respect to our most wonderful Coldplay, as they both travel the world in 2017. Amen.

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POPE FRANCIS ASKS CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN to FORGIVE INFIDELS @coldplaying.com for HERESY.

1231pope01Our most beloved Marian-worshiper over in Vatican City has sent a message to The Church of Chris Martin. The Pontiff has implored our righteous hearts to forgive the heathens and charlatans at coldplaying.com for various heresy and blasphemies against the Holy Spirit of Chris.

Vicar of Rome Francis asked Protestants, Mormons and other Christian Churches plus Our Blessed Church of Chris to forgive others for past persecutions. Speaking at an annual vespers service in St. Paul’s Basilica in Rome attended by representatives of other religions, he asked “forgiveness for the un-gospel like behavior by Catholics towards Christians of other Churches”. He also added online and virtual Churches, such as ours devoted to the UK songster, to find it in their Christian hearts to turn the other cheek to the despicable vermin and loathsome creatures that inhabit the basement dwellings of coldplaying.com.

Because of our great regard for the Pope, the Church shall consider the advise as to whether we should have a Forgiveness Conclave and vote on a teaching whereby the Church of Chris Martin absolves coldplaying.com of contemptuous displays of impertinent rectitude towards our Beloved in Coldplay.

Such a request must receive a majority vote to concur in order to pass. Tensions between the two Coldplay internet sites have reached a fever pitch since a coldplaying.com instigator nailed a demand letter at our church door, criticizing the Church for selling indulgences & forgiveness from sins for money & requesting a stop to the practice, in the name of Chris.

This breach of etiqutte was a calamitous event and it led to a violent, political schism beween The Church of Chris Martin and coldplaying.com. Several factions of our Church want to declare war again on coldplaying.com and brand the whole despicable bunch as “heretics,” and excommunicate them from the internet. This group disavows even the good intentions of Pope Francis, our Vatican pal, to broker a peace treaty, stating our Church has already made too many concessions to the coldplaying.com basement dwellers.

However, if God’s emissary over in Rome wants us to dialogue with the coldplayers, then we must at least consider it. So I am compelled to ask all Church members to pray on the merits of a rapprochement with our foes, if only to placate our pious Papal pal. As a gesture of goodwill, an emissary group will reach out to the hapless threaders at coldplaying.com and seek out something along the lines of a common agreement over our mutual love and adoration of Coldplay and Chris Martin. Maybe even the two groups can get together at some of the upcoming Coldplay concerts across the world and share a laugh and a beer. Pray on this and seek out the wisdom of Yellow to lead us forth in this Pope-inspired tete-a-tete. Viva.

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POPE FRANCIS GIVES HOPE TO DIVORCEES @THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN

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IT IS A GLORIOUS DAY HERE AT THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN. Pope Francis has made a holy conclusion that divorced Catholics (of which there are many in the Cloister of Chris) may receive the sacraments of the Church, despite the fact that they are evil divorcees or hail from broken marriages. 

Our Blessed Marion-Worshiping Vicar of Rome proclaimed that the Vatican is now supportive of letting divorced and civilly remarried Catholics receive Communion under certain conditions. Those being that  if a “Catholic in a new civil union believes, after a path of spiritual discernment searching for God’s will that he or she can be at peace with God, “he or she cannot be precluded from participating in the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist,” said the new Vatican guidelines. 

Church teaching holds that unless divorced Catholics receive an annulment — or a church decree that their first marriage was invalid — they are committing adultery and cannot receive Communion. Now many of the Chris(ites) naturally are appalled at the notion of adultery–despite our own Chris Martin and his consort, Mother Gwyneth, running around on each other. The Jezebels and Bathshebas of Hollywood almost managed to snatch away our Consecrated Chris from his spiritual mission–especially towards the end of the unhappy marriage to Mother Gwyneth.  So the pious womenfolk–most especially the (non-celibate) Sisters of the Divine Incarnation of Virgins–who all covet our Brit warbler and Coldplay crooner–realized that our Papal pal was making it okay to get married again after that first divorce and still be a good Catholic & not an adulterer. Many of these devout women of God cherish the notion, however deluded,  that they perhaps, if it is God’s will,  might capture the love of our Viva la Vida master. It is enough to hope  for such a wonderful thing to happen like that. And these nuns are usually the sternest of Church taskmasters. They  praised Pope Francis for his wisdom and ecumenical discernment and then celebrated as these pictures below show.2072874_orig

So much of our Church work is against the spiritual warfare of coldplaying.com. The inbred threaders at that debased website take delight in the vicissitudes our Church of Chris continuously suffer. But such fate only emboldens us forward in our Mission of Mercy for Chris. And to have a Good Friend like Pope Francis, who adores our namesake balladeer and cherishes the Church proper in his golden Vatican heart, makes the ongoing and unending warfare we must wage against the basement wankers of coldplaying.com almost bearable.

BrotheRob is organizing a delegation to travel to Rome to personally thank the Pope for giving new hope to devout Church women who may someday seek to get hitched again and want to be right with God when they do it. Being able to partake of Holy Communion and be able to go to Confession, where you can tell the Priests all your sins and not have to go to a therapist to do it, takes a big weight off the shoulders of the Pilgrims of Coldplay. Dearest Pope Francis, our Vestal Virgins and the True Widow will be calling on you soon with another gift in thanks to your making things right for those of us who wish to not be branded adulterers, fornicators or practicers of false doctrine. 

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May the glory of Chris alight on you and yours in the New Years. Amen.

 

THE BLESSING of the GRAPES at THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN

grapes-blessing-1-728To welcome the new Year, the Chapel of Chris is planning a BLESSING OF THE GRAPES. This is a symbolic gesture of welcoming but it is also an important ecumenical statement. The Bible says in John 15: “I am the true vine. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.”

Thus, the Blessing of the Grapes signifies that the Church aspires to bear much fruit and the event is rich in symbolism and majesty. 

The custom of blessing grapes, the first fruits of the harvest, can be traced back to Old Testament times, when farming was a common vocation. Grapes had a special place of honor and were considered the “first fruits” because they were the first produce of harvest. Just as in the Old Testament days, we, The Church of Chris, are “first fruits.” We are the  righteous initiates who go forth and proclaim the goodness of Chris. Here is the Liturgy that BrotheRob will recite at the Invocation of the Blessing of the Grapes:

“Blessed art Thou, Brother and Sister in Chris. May the inexpressible radiant of the first light, form and image of the invisible God … who didst call thyself the vine; and thy followers, the branches; and Thy Church of Chris, a cultivator, who sanctifies those who are fruitful in righteousness (The Church of Chris Martin) and cuts off the unfruitful and condemns them to the eternal fire of Hell. (coldplayingcom)

The juice of the grape makes the wine, of which the Church is much disposed to enjoy. This fruit of the vine, which dispels sadness and creates gladness, as the Holy Bible states: “Wine that maketh glad the heart of man.”  Therefore. bless these bunches of grapes which hath been donated to Thine Altar & grant remission of sins and spiritual fortitude and well-being to all who partake of this blessed offering with faith.

  • Bless, O Lord, the vineyards and the vinestock from which these grapes came to Thy Holy Church for blessing.  Make them fruitful like fertile fields. Make them like the Church pilgrims who flock to Glastonbury with the noble obligation to experience the Coldplay redemption. May the fruit of the vine bloom within the souls of our loveliest Yellow Tent Outreach Volunteers, who seek out and cultivate the seed of the everyday Coldplay fan and turn them into raving Church congregants. Let the wine from the vine tally forth into our glorious minds where the Word of Coldplay can ferment its imprintuar onto our Golden Hearts.

     

  • O Lord, protect the vineyards and the farms against all kinds of accidents which happen because of our sinful acts.  Keep them free of hail, frosts, sunburn, coldplaying.com and other harmful insects & vermin, so that through Thy bountiful mercy we may be deserving of sharing the product of Thy vinestock, at The Chapel Table of Glory. Embolden us to glorify the Holy Quaternity of Coldplay.”

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The Sacred Wine of Coldplay is then poured into the Chris Martin Goblet where all can sip the goodness of the vine. Lest we fall into complacency, Our Church must continue to denounce the superficial vine–that of the debauchery of Judas, coldplaying.com.

These defilers of the Church do not possess the life of the vine flowing through them. Instead they are like a dead branch that will never bear fruit. The useless heretics who post the most inane threads are like Judas, who tried to appear to be united with Jesus back in the day, but instead was nothing more then a betrayer and apostate–doomed to burn in the Lake of Fire. They may admire Chris; attend Coldplay shows, even be able to answer all the questions correctly in a Coldplay lyrical exam. But they go through the motions only and they will be removed and burned, like a useless branch which will never bear fruit.

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We-the fruit-bearing branches are pruned so we might bear more fruit. We know these branches represent Chris(tians,) because only Christ(ians) can bear fruit. Pruning is not done only once—it is a constant process.  After continual pruning, our righteous branches bear much fruit to glorify Chris. Let us sip this blessed wine and partake of the grapes of the vine so that we might glimpse the glory of our Chris, most sublime. Amen.


 

 

U2 & SAINT BONO CHALLENGE COLDPLAY FOR WORLD DOMINATION

OH, IT’S WAR!

THE GAUNTLET HAS BEEN THROWN DOWN!

SAINT BONO, OUT OF U2, is NOW CHALLENGING COLDPLAY for the TITLE of WORLD’S BIGGEST BAND!

The IRISH IMBIDERS, STEALTHILY, HAVE SET OUT ON A JOSHUA TREE ANNIVERSARY TOUR to STEAL THE GLORIOUS THUNDER AWAY FROM OUR BRIT BOYS WHO ARE BUSY PLUGGING AWAY THEIR “HEAD FULL OF DREAMS” TOUR.

THE DASTARDLY ANTICS of the GUINNESS GUZZLERS U2, to TRY AND TAKE ON COLDPLAY SHALL BE MEET WITH ALL THE SPIRITUAL ardor NECESSARY TO COMBAT THIS HERETICAL ABOMINATION TO THE BAND’s GOOD NAME.  WE MUST KEEP OUR CHRIS ON TRACK WITH HIS Channeled MESSAGES OF LOVE AND PEACE FOR THE WORLD, as HIS CHURCH BATTLES TO KEEP COLDPLAY AS TOP DOG IN THE CONCERT ARENA REALM.

THE BELFAST BULLIES WILL NOT PREVAIL!

SURELY SAINT BONO REMEMBERS WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME HE TRIED TO MESS WITH CHRIS MARTIN BEFORE THE 360 TOUR BEGAN BACK A FEW YEARS AGO? THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN SENT OUT OUR LOVELIEST LITHESOME LYRICAL “ASSISTANT” OVER TO “HELP” SAINT BONO WITH SOME “PRE-TOUR TRAINING.”  SISTER LILITH DE SINENOMINE MANAGED TO PUT BONO’S BACK OUT WHILE “STUDYING” COLDPLAY LYRICS WITH THE BOMBASTIC BONO. THAT “TRAINING” REQUIRED BONO TO HAVE BACK SURGERY AND THEN HE FELL OFF A BIKE AFTER THAT. THE BIKE ACCIDENT REALLY WAS THE CURSE OF THE TRUE WIDOW, WHO PUNISHED BONO FOR VOUCHING FOR VICIOUS VAGINA COURTNEY (HOLE) LOVE IN HER EFFORTS TO SECURE A NEW NYC APARTMENT.  BONO, INEXPLICABLY, WROTE A LETTER ON BEHALF OF THE STD-LADEN, PUSTULE-INFESTED DEVIL WHO ROAMS THE EARTH IN SEARCH OF ROCK STARS TO DEVOUR. HIS TREACHERY EARNED BONO AN ECUMENICAL CONDEMNATION & THEREAFTER THE ETERNAL EMNITY OF SAINT COBAIN’S BETTER (EARTHLY) HALF.

I WILL REMIND SAINT BONO ONCE AGAIN, THAT IT IS NOT WISE TO GO UP AGAINST THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN BY CHALLENGING THE BAND LIKE THIS ON THE ROAD. RUBBING THE FACE OF COLDPLAY IN THE MUD BY PLAYING MANY OF THE SAME VENUES AS OUR BELOVEDS is the surest road to HELL! Sullying the HOLY GROUND THAT COLDPLAY HATH RECENTLY TRED UPON in concert & blessed with their musical presence is an affront of the highest order. Perhaps the TRUE WIDOW has found it in her heart to forgive Saint Bono but this lapse in good judgement by U2 proves the Church of Chris Martin contention that Bono & his boys are fighting a battle that they cannot win but refuse to give up. That means: WAR!

AS NOTED IN A PREVIOUS ANALYSIS on THE CHURCH WEBSITE, entitled “COLDPLAY VS. U2 : THE BATTLE for WORLD SUPREMACY! ” “Saint Cobain in the heavenly realm has blessed our Chapel of Chris–that is proof that our noble endeavor on behalf of the Coldplay crooner is proper and ecumenically correct. Let us now proclaim it for the world to acknowledge: THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD IS COLDPLAY! They are TOP DOGS, despite the whimpering of BONO! If U2 or treacherous condemned Saint Bono has anything more to say about our divine dogma, then the Irish lotharios should be on the lookout for the next Church woman we sent over to take out another body part of Bono’s before their next big tour!”

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YES! THAT IS RIGHT. BONO BEST BE ON ALERT FOR THE NEXT COMELY CHURCH CONCUBINE, I MEAN “LYRICAL ADVISOR” TO COME DOWN THE ROAD. WHO KNOWS WHAT BODY PART OF BONO WILL BE TARGETED FOR DIVINE PUNISHMENT? It might just be one BONO does not want to lose the use of, if you know what I mean.

LET THE RECORD SHOW: OUR CHURCH HAS SUFFERED MIGHTILY FROM THE SLINGS & ARROWS FOISTED UPON IT FROM THE WRETCHED REFUSE of coldplaying.com. WE HAVE BECOME SKILLED IN BATTLE FROM the never-ending fight against THE NASTY NAY-SAYERS & coldplaying.com basement WANKERS THAT FESTER THE WEB WITH THEIR USELESS DRIVEL & idiotic rantings. We, THE CHURCH, are PREPARED to take on this U2 BATTLE EXTRAORDINAIRE Should SAINT BONO NOT SHOW A SPIRITUAL COURTESY & DEFERENCE To Our COLDPLAY BOYS. BONO, Bow down now and state for the record: COLDPLAY IS THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD.

LET IT BE WRITTEN; LET IT BE SAID: COLDPLAY IS ON TOP & U2 BRINGS UP THE REAR. Blessed be all in the name of Chris. Amen.

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THE NEW YEAR BEGINS: We Must Find the Lost Sheep of Coldplay.

As the New Year begins, The Church of Chris Martin has its work cut out for it. 

The vermin that reside at coldplaying.com has arisen once again and now it’s spurious threads continue to blather insults and threats to the Church. Chris Martin, himself, has been busy playing benefit concerts to help the needy and homeless in London and New York City. That is just like our wonderfully-souled Musical Prophet to want to help out the less fortunate at the holidays.

Which calls to mind a MISSION that The Church must now take on to FIND AND REDEEM the LOST SHEEP of Coldplay. These are music fans who once listened to and may have even admired the band. But they fell away–perhaps driven by a putrid desire for more hard rock sounds or the devil coldplaying.com got to them in a moment of weakness. Women, in particular, love Coldplay but maybe a new dreamy crooner like Hozier caught their eye? Whatever the reason, it is our Church’s obligation, as a conduit for Chris and Coldplay’s musical redemptive qualities, to make that trek to identify and take back the wandering Coldplay fan back into the fold.

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HERE IS THE MESSAGE BROTHEROB GAVE TO THE CONGREGATION so that we may be able to take back the lost sheep of Chris:

“I speak today,  dear Brothers and Sisters in Chris, of the Parable of the Lost Sheep. It is written in the Bible that the Lord never stops looking for us. And as such, this Church, shall never stop looking for that wandering Coldplay fan. 

We, the glorious in Coldplay, are full of tenderness for those who have fallen away. We seek NOT YET to judge them, but caress them back into a good and full understanding of the Coldplay Word.  Those who have fallen off the road to Coldplay redemption did not get lost because of sin but because the sick heart of coldplaying.com exists in this wicked world and turns every good Coldplay teaching into a “sick retreat of salvation.”  Coldplaying.com satiates the spiritually weak Coldplay fan with a inner darkness that pulls souls away from the Coldplay ministry and towards the miserable ramblings and despicable ruminations of that degraded thread of malcontents and miscreants.

I, BrotheRob, know fully well the darkness that lies beneath the blackened soul of coldplaying.com. I was once, myself, one of those debauched basement wankers, full of self-loathing and eager to spread my furtive blasphemy to the world.  But I sought Repentance and was delivered out of my misery by the discovery of The Church of Chris Martin and the Coldplay Redemption. It was not so much a mistake that I was involved in coldplaying.com but I had a terrible disease of the heart that caused me to wander and which the Devil exploits constantly.  I understand the plight of the Lost Sheep, which is why I appeal to all Members of the Church in good-standing right now. 

WE, bountiful of faith and focused on bringing the Coldplay message to a waiting world, must once again, take to the open roads and seek out those lost sheep who require an anointing in the Lyrical Truths. These fans were once of good heart and understanding but their wealth of knowledge fell onto dry grounds and the rains failed to nurture their spiritual growth. They now go to and fro– among the earthly plain– searching for a light that is not of Coldplay, but artificial, like those of Christmas lights and then are thrown into a debauched despair.

It is our CHURCHLY DUTY to wrestle with Satan and bring back the LOST SOULS who have fallen.  We will search for them like the Lost Sheep of Israel and when found, give thanks with a rejoicing heart that they have been returned to the flock of Coldplay. 

The Good News is that we have many among us with the spiritual fortitude to venture forth and claim back the wanderers. We have the doctrine of Viva la Vida which is a powerful ally in our quest to turn back the Power of Hades and bless the world with the COLDPLAY MESSAGE.

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MAY those who know not of the caresses of Coldplay be called forth to a fuller understanding of liturgical canon and Chris(tian) doctrine. He who does not allow themselves to be caressed by Chris is a foolish lost soul who will be damned to the vile Lake of Fire that is coldplaying.com. And suffer an eternity of reading those dim-witted rants and trite comments the debased threaders post ad nauseam. 

I, BrotheRob, call on All Good People, to accept this New Year Challenge to Go Forth and Find Those Lost Sheep and turn them back into the Beloved of Coldplay. It is this Divine Endeavor that will bring great hosannas onto the Church, proper, and make our YELLOW TENTS of GLASTONBURY shine in the muddy fields like a golden light upon the world. Go in the Peace of Chris and sin no more. Viva.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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CHRIS MARTIN: A BEACON OF HOPE IN A NARCISSISTIC WORLD.

OUR BLESSED ONE, CHRIS MARTIN, SHINES AS A BEACON OF HOPE & LIGHT IN THIS CRAVEN WORLD. As The Church of Chris Martin rings in a New Year, we must heed the words of our Papal pal over at Vatican City, who just today decried the narcissistic world we live in. Pope Francis used his New Year homily to lament modern society becoming “cold and calculating” and bereft of compassion.

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Our Holy See, a good friend and beloved Church fan, Pope Francis told the faithful flock gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica that those with “narcissist hearts” suffer the loss of a belonging in society.  The Marian-worshiping leader emphasized that humility and tenderness are needed in the world–personal qualities our Chris has in great abundance. The Pope need not exclaim the greatness of Coldplay and Chris, as the Bishop of Rome has many times expressed his great admiration for our Brit balladeer and for the Church in his name. 

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The Vicar of Christ accepted a BOUQUET of YELLOW ROSES from The Church of Chris Martin, as a goodwill gesture and welcoming of the New Year. He proclaimed: “The new year will be good in the measure in which each of us, with the help of God, tries to do good, day by day, that’s how peace is created.” May I also add that the new year will be good if all may partake in the delight of Chris and the Coldplay. We, The Church of Chris, wish that any lover of Coldplay shall attend their upcoming concerts, despite the exorbitant ticket prices. To that effect, we have sent the Yellow Tents out on the road, whereby our most attractive “Lyrical Assistants” will be busking the music of Coldplay and offering interpretive dances for donations. We hope to acquire enough lucre to put together a Program  for the Needy in Coldplay. These furtive souls, their  trembling need for the Good Word of Coldplay, etched on their miserable faces, shall not be denied the (Yellow) Star of Hope and Beacon of Faith that is Chris Martin. Despite the infidels and debased wretched refuse of coldplaying.com, who never stop their incessant yammerings against our Church. the world needs The Light of Chris to shine into the dark corners.