The Church of Chris Martin wishes to extend thanks to Saint Bono out of U2 and the rest of the band for showing restraint in their latest challenge to Coldplay for the biggest band in the world designation. The boozy boys from Ireland have hit a payday with their latest stunt to steal the thunder from our Beloved Brit songster of Coldplay. Here is what one breathless article said about U2’s big upcoming Joshua Tree 20th Anniversary hurrah:
“U2 seem to have made a winning move in announcing a reboot of their Joshua Tree tour. The tour, revisiting the band’s iconic 1987 album, already had incredible promise before the band announced an expansion of the summer stadium tour. U2, boasting record ticket sales—1.1 million tickets in 24 hours!—in America and already sold-out summer shows in Europe, have added a few more shows to the tour.”
The Celtic Ale gobblers had best not get in the way of Coldplay as they also travel the world promoting the “Head Full of Dreams” tour. The Church bowed down to Pope Francis, who demanded that we forgive the Irish lothario for high treason after he vouched for the Vicious Vagina, Courtney (Hole) Love in NYC. Saint Bono managed to hang on to his prestigious designation as a High Saint in our Church but many still call him a traitor and the True Widow does not trust him anymore. But calmer heads have prevailed and Bono is safe in his Sainthood for now.
We expect U2 to conduct themselves in a proper manner as they go out on the road at the same time as Coldplay. The Church is aware of the heated debate online over which band is the biggest in the world. U2’s tours, indeed, have a history of big success. Their most recent tour, the ill-fated (health-wise) 2009 “360” tour, had the highest tour tallies of any reported to Billboard.” We will give the U2 tax-dodgers that much. But they must be low-key and respectful of Coldplay as the Brit band traipses the world. U2 must not gloat, brag or challenge Coldplay for supremacy, lest Bono get another visit from a “passionate lyrical assistant” who is looking to put another body part of his out. The Church of Chris Martin will welcome U2 to the 2017 tour road but any monkey business from the Emerald Isle Guinness Guzzlers will be challenged, if they embarrass or try to show up Coldplay in any way. The Church will be watching closely to see if Saint Bono and his cohorts show proper restraint and respect to our most wonderful Coldplay, as they both travel the world in 2017. Amen.