The Super Bowl Half Time Show will soon be upon us & the world can delight in Coldplay performing. However, many of the highest officials at the Chapel of Chris are concerned about who their guest will be–BEYONCE–and whether that tarty vixen will take it upon herself to steal the spotlight away from the Coldplay boys and our glorious Chris.
It is not like this showy diva Beyonce to take a back seat in the spotlight and Chris has been thought to have been keen on her over the years. I fear that the “Single Ladies” warbler will use that fact to her advantage here and try and hog the stage when our well-mannered Brits are crooning their hits.
The Deacons and Virgin Mothers of the Church of Chris Martin DEMAND that Beyonce conduct herself in a manner that will not bring any embarrassment or shame upon our Beloved Church Namesake. It is ORDAINED that Beyonce must not strut around in a sexy, revealing costume that takes away from the spiritual message that Coldplay will be singing to the masses on Super Bowl Sunday. Additionally, if that media hog Beyonce DARES to use the Super Bowl Half Time stage to declare herself pregnant again–like she did at the Grammy’s a few years ago–then she shall suffer the highest of CONDEMNATIONS that the Church allots to besmirchers who defile and slander the good name of the band and Chris.
Hollywood harlots and show biz slatterns have been the bane of our great One, Chris Martin. As a simple English lad from the countryside, it is easy to understand how his innocent head might get turned by the display of womanhood that is paraded about in La La Land. Many unvirtuous “models” & “actresses” have set their sights on our Great One and a few have actually managed to sully Chris with their immoderate & licentiously immoral blandishments. The Church holds out a sacred contempt for that skinny actress Kate Bosworth, who threw herself at our Chris. There are several other tasteless, cheap immoral women of loose character who shall suffer the Lake of Fire for their sexual enticements of the exalted crooner of Coldplay. These women are damned, by order of this Church & so shall be Beyonce, if she deigns to take anything away from the greatness of the band, as they perform for the unwashed masses on Sunday afternoon.
Because of the overtures of wicked women, some of whom Chris Martin has responded to, our beloved balladeer has lost some, but not all, of his ecumenical authority. We are hoping that the Super Bowl Half Time Show will be the start of a new era for Chris–one in which he is able to overcome the allure of this chocolate-skinned temptress Beyonce and start down a new path of overcoming earthly enticements since Chris Martin is a great spiritual figure whose head should not be turned by a shapely female leg or heaving bodice. BEYONCE: cover up! No slutty outfits! No bosom bouncing! It is COMMANDED!
THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN PROCLAIMS: BEYONCE—BEHAVE! Coldplay is the HEAD-LINER, not YOU! Do NOT STEAL THE BAND’S THUNDER on SUNDAY or the CHAPEL OF CHRIS will CONDEMN YOU in the harshest of manners! It is declared! It shall be! May the goodness of Coldplay cover you in all their glory. Amen.