THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN CONDEMNED as FALSE IDOL WORSHIPERS!

Dearest Beloved Faithful:

In an effort to continue spending the excessive amounts of monies discovered secreted away in offshore accounts by Father Drobbingdon before Mother Drobbingdon finds out and demands a cut, the Church of Chris Martin commissioned an art sculpture depicting the righteous earthly merits of our great and glorious Chris Martin. We had this masterpiece covered in 24 carat gold and prepared a secret location to host our heartfelt artistic appreciation of the Coldplay warbler. Word somehow leaked out before the Church was even able to put together a proper Feast or debauched Celebration event and now we have received a terrible comeuppance from one of our fiercest critics, no doubt a coldplaying.com heretic, who will stop at nothing to tarnish the good name of The Church of Chris Martin.

Here is some of what this drooling heathen from coldplaying.com said about our gold-plated adoration of Chris Martin:

“Idolatry Condemned by God

Of all the things condemned by God, idolatry is the most serious. The first commandment is this: “You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exo. 20:3). Then in the second commandment God’s people are instructed to worship Him directly and not through any intervening object: “You shall not make for yourself an idol [i.e., an image], or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship [bow down to] them or serve them” (Exo. 20:4-5, NASV). There are literally scores of other passages in the Bible which also forbid the making or venerating of images.”

Yes, my most Holy of Martinites, a sanctimonious nay-saying coldplaying.com buffoon thinks we are “worshiping” an “idol.” The many good Christians, among the Chris(tians) here know fully well that craven images are forbidden to be idolized. Who here at The Church of Chris Martin is bowing down in obedience to Chris? The answer: NO ONE! Our anointed mission here at the Chapel of Chris is to enlighten the world about the greatness of our Coldplay songster!! Our gold-plated masterpiece captures the essence of the playful talent of the “Yellow” singer at his most glorious. In no way is The Church attempting to subvert God or not pay proper respect to our Heavenly Father by trumpeting this loving homage to the Coldplay crooner.

I REPEAT: THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN DOES NOT PRACTICE IDOLATRY!

This unfounded criticism and doctrinal attack on our pious group is based on unsubstantiated accusations that may ultimately compromise the ability of The Church to fulfill their mission of exalting Chris.

While we’re in process of gathering the perspective of all of our Church members, please know that we are in the process of calling together a CONCLAVE of CHRIS to begin to process what has been going on with the attack on our good name.

Next month, The Church will hold a national outdoor assembly, at which there will be a great deal of open participation by all the members, and we’re hoping to come out of that assembly with an official Church teaching and liturgy on this unmerited aggressive condemnation from the witless coldplaying.com sect. Our parishioners will gather together as one in a communal undertaking of understanding; looking to seek answers on the loathsome defilers who castigate our devotion to Chris as something “Biblically incorrect.”

Our Church stands united on behalf of the Prophet Martin and will never stop at advertising to this wretched world, the Great Glory of His Goodness. Amen.

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JEWS CELEBRATE YOM KIPPUR / The CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN CELEBRATES DOM SIPPER

Our Jewish friends have just finished celebrating Yom Kippur–the Day of Atonement with a special ritual outside their synagogues on Sept. 24. Yom Kippur Atonement demands a ritual casting away sins of the past year into the water. “To cast away”, is the practice by which Jews go to a flowing body of water and symbolically ‘throw away’ their sins during the days of repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. If they are not near a body of water, a small pool with a fish swimming in the water will suffice for casting sins away.

The Church of Chris Martin has some strange religious rituals also. But the Chapel of Chris has much to celebrate, as news comes of a virtual sighting of our most auspicious Arch Pope in hiding, Father Drobbingdon. A very astute parishioner detected a secret message from our former Spiritual Sage–“namaste,” which is a common greeting from the Indian subcontinent! Father is attempting to communicate with his tribe of Chris cultists! He lives! Furthermore, Holy Church Elders bear no grudge or ill will towards Father D. Yes, we also practice forgiveness and forbearance here at the Martin Monastery.

After all, Father suffered so, on our behalf. The poor, tormented man endured a messy divorce from an ungodly shrew of a wife and the ensuing financial duress. From the time Father Drobbingdon went into the bunker and overcame his crisis of faith, The Church has rallied around him. When Father emerged from his underground sabbatical, he was a changed man; most particularly since the rats gnawed away at his extremities while he undertook his spiritual transformation. But today, we know Father still loves us. Therefore, The Church of Chris Martin will make this declaration:

LET SEPTEMBER 28th HEREBY BE DECLARED “THE FEAST of DOM KIPPER,” to HONOR OUR BELOVED ARCH POPE, FATHER DROBBINGDON!
THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN PROCLAIMS, IN HOLINESS, the SIPPING OF DOM PERIGNON by CONGREGANTS to CELEBRATE the GREAT CULT-LIKE LEADER, FATHER DROBBINGDON. ALSO, it is an anointed HOLIDAY that we UPHOLD so as to continue in the tradition of Father Dom Perignon, the beloved Benedictine monk, who like Father Drobbingdon, was a spiritual powerhouse!

IN CELEBRATION, shall we all lift our champagne flutes high and toast the great glory that is Chris Martin. Also offer thanks and faithful praise to the One who started it all: Father D. May his cherished memory never fade from Church hearts and mines, no matter how much DOM we shall SIPPER! Amen.

DYBBUK BOX WITH COURTNEY LOVE’S NAME ON IT: We Need a Jewish Exocist!

The Dybbuk Box (or Dibbuk Box) is “the commonly used name of a wine cabinet which is said to be haunted by a dybbuk. In Jewish folklore a Dybbuk is a restless (usually malicious) spirit believed to be able to haunt and even possess the living,” according to Wikipedia. This evil spirit seeks out the innocent among us, to overtake and fill with their putrid malevolence.

There is much folklore and history regarding the Dybbuk Box and most of it involves numerous owners of the boxes reporting strange phenomena accompanying it. In ””The Possession” movie,  which a group of devout Holy Elders saw today, a series of horrific nightmares, ill health, the feeling of being cursed and the ever-present but unexplained smells of cat urine or jasmine flowers are experienced by the poor souls tormented by the unleashed spawn of Satan. Night terrors that involved a crazy, old hag seeking to take over an earthly body are often cited as proof that a Dybbuk (or Jewish demon) has escaped the box and only a proper Hasidic Devil Cleanse can bring relief. Speaking of a crazy, old hag brings me directly to the subject of COURTNEY LOVE!

It might interest the pious among us to know that Church of Chris Martin nemesis: the Vicious Vagina–Courtney Love, is said to be possessed of a lethal entity so maniacally despicable, that it becomes hard to distinguish the difference between the Hole tramp’s certified craziness and whatever vile spirit possesses her. Courtney Love has taken wretched evil to a level that only a few human beings ever will. As her shameful gutter life falls apart: she lost custody of her daughter (permanently),  who now will have absolutely nothing to do with her, demolished her face via nose jobs, got some crappy tattoos,  and posted naked pictures of her pendulous breasts and withered corpse on Twitter, some would call that ‘karma.’ The big musical comeback she had planned sputtered and quickly faded, as did sales of her last album.

CHURCH: the time therefore appears ripe to call out the beast within the Vicious Vagina and exorcize her back into the Dybbuk Box–to be constrained for Hell & eternity. Holy Elders had success healing the Potato-Head Cripple but he was a walk-in-the-park compared to the work that we must pursue of exorcizing the Harridan Love. This will be a Church undertaking like no other, so please go to your Tabernacle of Chris and pray on this matter.

Do not forget that it was this Walking Herpes Factory that cast her evil onto the elfin spirit of our dearly beloved Heavenly Saint Cobain, who was then martyred on our behalf–to become our other-worldly advocate on the other side. We ask any righteous Jewish exorcists to please come to the aid of The Church of Chris Martin as we prepare to exorcise Courtney Love and place her back into the Dybbuk Box, where she can do no more harm.

This crusade to rid the world of the Hell Hole Courtney is one that will require every ounce of spiritual armor, strength, and fortitude we possess. Gird your loins, Church, for the battle is not for the weak of spirit. May the Glory of Chris arise to anoint each of us with the perfect preparation in order to smite the curse of the Vicious Vagina forevermore. Amen.

GET LOST IN SPACE with The Church of Chris Martin

Dearest Brethren & Sistren:

Good news has come to the Divine Chapel of Chris. Church accountants have been scouring the tithe funds and offshore banks where Father Drobbingdon once hid monies from the flock. Apparently, our illustrious former Arch Pope forgot about a few of the accounts he squandered away. Our Church of Chris Martin has now claimed these substantial accounts due to the disappearance of Father Drobbingdon.

In order to take title to the fortune, High Elders had to come up with a reason for transfer and we held a quickie conclave to come to a Holy Conclusion: WE ARE GOING INTO SPACE!

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Yes, that is correct! The Church of Chris Martin is now taking reservations to ride Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic into the Great Beyond!  There we will float in the ether–suspended in an anointed state of weightlessness, meditating on the holiness of Chris and how the STARS are so YELLOW!

The Church has already received approval to blast our Coldplay iPods into space during the 60-mile flight in a goodwill attempt to contact ET’s and UFO’s with a message of earthly friendship. We also seek to covey our desire to share the devout appreciation we have for the Coldplay warbler with those bug-eyed aliens.

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Yes, dear congregants, you are not dreaming. This is what Father Drobbingdon would want us to do. Take our extreme love and praise for the Great One of Coldplay and beam it out into space where the universe can share with us– the magnificence of Chris Martin. Those wishing to join the expedition to outer space must take part in a Virgin Galactic one week training. Also, traveling parishioners will need to complete the Church of Chris Martin-mandated teachings and indoctrination program and pass the Coldplay lyrical test on first try. All space voyagers will need to be in good Church standing. A letter of recommendation from a Holy Church Elder is required.

Please repair to your Tabernacle of Chris flattering photos room and pray on this opportunity. The Heavens will finally declare the GLORY OF CHRIS MARTIN, when we blast off into space! Viva!

THE TRUE WIDOW EDITORIAL: Have Mercy on Mother Gwyneth

Dearest Brethren & Sistren,

I am here today to appeal to your better nature on behalf of Mother Gwyneth. The real threat of ex-communication from The Church of Chris Martin has wounded her deeply. I would like to ask that those of you calling for Mother’s head due to her winning the Best Dressed Woman Award from People Magazine,  to please take a step back and hear my pleas.

Mother Gwyneth, as beautiful and privileged as she may seem to the peasants, has not had an easy life either. The Hollywood actress is turning 40 years old at the end of September. No doubt, that is a traumatic occasion for one that has relied on her looks her whole life. Add to that, the wandering eye of her “devoted” husband and our Church Beloved, Chris Martin, out of Coldplay. Despite putting on the facade that the Martin’s have a happy marriage, many Church insiders know otherwise. Might that not cause a heartsick wife to look for acceptance and respect from the outside world to help prop up her flagging ego?

Dearest Church, look into your own hearts and feel a little of the pain that Mother Gwyneth must feel to know that her blessed husband is chasing around town, pancake-breasted  Kate Bosworth and passed-around vixen Cameron Diaz?  An award from People Magazine surely cheers Mother up and we should not be calling her a “Jezebel” and Hollywood Hussy” because of it.

Before you all go getting on a witch hunt here, let us actually revisit the award to Mother and look at it as a compliment to the Church of Chris Martin. Our womenfolk are attractive and now they are considered chic and well-dressed–thanks to Mother Gwyneth’s example. I would ask all of those full of vitriol to please hear these words from the True Widow as a plea for understanding and compassion towards Mother. I am sure if Father Drobbingdon were here today, he would be mighty pleased that Mother is awarded Best Dressed.  (Despite his always complaining that Mother was a stickpin in fancy clothing.)

I am throwing a Mother Gwyneth Best Dressed Tea Party to celebrate her winning the People Magazine Award. I want all pious Church ladies to put away those dull, dowdy outfits and put on your prettiest, sexy frock. Come on out to the Chapel of Chris Garden this weekend–we are having a get together in honor of Mother Gwyneth! All are welcome! Blessings of Chris Upon you!

THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN CONDEMNS MOTHER GWYNETH for VANITY AWARD!

Mother Gwyneth!!

You have been proclaimed the World’s Best Dressed Woman! What do you have to say for yourself?

All the internet is buzzing: “Actress Gwyneth Paltrow was named the “World’s Best Dressed Woman” of 2012 by People magazine on Wednesday, wowing the celebrity magazine with a simple elegant style that avoids some of fashion’s quirkier trends.”

Mother: you have caused The Church of Chris Martin SHAME by exalting yourself above your husband. The role of a Church consort is to dress modestly, keep a clean home, and pop out some angelic children. It is NOT to go jet set around the world wearing designer clothes and calling attention to yourself.

The Holy Elders wish to remind Mother that she is in danger of being called to a Official Inquiry into Treacherous Behavior. The Teachings on Modest Behavior of High Church Females specifically prohibits vain behavior and the flaunting of the body. Woe to you, Mother, as Shakespeare states: “Vanity of vanities; all is vanity.”

The Bible also has words of wisdom for that strutting Hollywood peacock, Mother Gwyneth!

1 Peter 3:3-4: Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

Yes, Mother, The Order of the Perpetual Virgins have condemned you as a Hollywood Harlot and Jezebel. According to the Church Holiness Standards, your behavior is scandalous and a pox on the good name of your husband, Chris Martin. All that fancy finery, heavy make-up and exhibition of skin is SINFUL! You seek to incite lust and sexual desire,and mock the chastity and modest demeanor that the Church demands.

In addition, you are castigated for the wearing of jewelry with sinful intentions.  Indeed, many wear jewelry to vainly advertise and flaunt their wealth. But you, Mother, wear it to entice and cause men other than your husband to covet you. Your Jezebel Spirit is a damnable heresy. and sheer paganism.

But there is hope. Holiness is closeness to God, and walking in obedience to His ways, with a loving heart. Holiness is available to all people who devote themselves to God in depth and sincerity. You must recant your fashion status and turn over a humble new leaf.

Mother, The Church demands you reject the honor of “Best-Dressed.” Shun fancy clothes and jewels. Dress modestly and cover up. Help the orphans and widows; clothe the poor. Volunteer at the AIDS kitchen. Minister to the homeless. Devote yourself to good works among the sick and infirm. Only then will The Church of Chris Martin welcome you back into the fold. Honor the goodness that is exalted by the many chaste and pious women that might serve as an example to you now.


THE PRAYER of ST. CHRIS of COLDPLAY (with special thanks to St. Francis of Assisi)

The prayer of Blessed Chris of Coldplay with thanks to St. Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument that will guarantee hit songs;
a righteous piano or divine guitar that I can play when I smoke my (inspirational) bongs.

Where there is steady Billboard sales, my managers will sow me some love; where there is a lukewarm media response, let me pray for better reviews from above.

where there is doubt about the tour schedule; replace it with peace.
where there is despair about the groupies; let your cares cease.
where there might be bad weather in Seattle, so what’s new?

It’s never raining when you are praying for #1’s in a pious Church pew!

Lord and Master, please grant that I may not so much seek to be faithful cause there’s so many hot babes in Tinseltown;

Surely God understands, I’ve got to catch me some skinny blond L.A. action to get that “special” Coldplay sound.

To know I have a Church of Chris Martin that worships me in a reverential piety; They understand I’m not a spiritual player–just a part of our narcissistic society.

To be loved as to love, just don’t tell Mother Gwyn.

She just paid for that new L.A. house, and on her millions, I still depend.

For it is in giving that we receive; and I am ready to share.
Pardon me if my offer offends you, but I really don’t care.
And it is in living large that we enjoy the best of this life.

And I am so dying to ditch my ice queen GOOP wife! Amen.