NEW YEAR ABSOLUTION FOR CHURCH SINNERS: NOW AVAILABLE!

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Have you a need for forgiveness from the Church for the sins you committed last year? Has naughty behavior caught up with your conscious and now you feel guilty and self-loathing? Well, fear not, devotees of the Chris Most High!
There is now available to loyal and pious followers, a NEW YEAR’S ABSOLUTION package that our Chapel of Coldplay is now officially offering.

The most devout of ecumenical leadership has produced several options for a chaste new life in Chris. And Pay Pal is available for those who need immediate forgiveness! We even have an overnight option for the truly depraved!
THE ECONOMY CLASS ABSOLUTION:

For those desirous of an affordable ABSOLUTION IN CHRIS, this is the preferred package.
Firstly, a congregant petitions the Holy Elders to receive the YELLOW sacrament. Before an absolution request can be considered, all venial and mortal sins against Coldplay must be confessed to at The Sanctuary of Salvation. There, indulgences, sacred gifts and monetary blessings are welcomed by the Church, as an indication of penitence and loyalty to the Great One of Coldplay.

At this point, a person of faith must appear to be “properly disposed” to receive absolution of sins if he or she manifests the dispositions appropriate for its reception. One who reverently can pass the Coldplay Lyrical Music Test may then receive Holy Coldplay Communion and a Absolution may be scheduled with a Beloved Deacon or Righteous Sister.

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CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN VIP ABSOLUTION:

For those who wish to quickly move a long a dispensation from the Church, a VIP Absolution package may be in order.
There is indeed a provision in the Code of Canon Law for general absolution and it is a fast track to a complete Absolution for those with whom time is of the essence and money is no object. There is canonical justification for the administration of general absolution at a penance service which incorporates VIP treatment. Such Penance Services combine the offering of the YELLOW SACRAMENT, a water baptism in the “FIX YOU” Baptismal Font and a chance to sit on the Golden Throne of U2’s SAINT BONO, which was used at the last Glastonbury Pilgrimage prior to the assumption of Father Drobbington into the heavenly realm. Absolution can be yours in one day with this popular package!

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Many nay-sayers, heretics, blasphemers and scurrilous Coldplaying lunatics claim that the Church of Chris Martin has no ecumenical or canonical authority to offer such specific dispensations to sinful parishioners. However, the scope of this authority concerns the official teachings of the Church on matters of faith, morals, Coldplay musical study and worship. High Church authorities believe that, because of Chris’s continued musical presence and spiritual enlightenment, his Church cannot lead people astray with its official teachings.

It is for this reason, that The Church consecrates it’s brethren and sistren into the glories of Coldplay. And with a pure heart and clean mind, they will be that much more able to decipher the true meanings of Coldplay’s blessed musical liturgies. Divine Revelation can be your with an Absolution package from The Church of Chris Martin.

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