COLDPLAY VS. U2 : THE BATTLE for WORLD SUPREMACY!

The U2 torch of greatness has now passed onto Coldplay! Praise to All in Faithful Glory!

Yes, it is the truth! (Condemned) Saint Bono may not wish to let it go, but it is gone! I am not just basing this assertion on sales figures, although Coldplay does now outsell the Irish crooners by a landslide. U2 can still rake in the millions with live concerts, as the 360 Tour is a prime example of that spectacular showmanship. Despite the good work of a devout Church of Chris Martin female volunteer, who managed to put the back of Bono out during some passionate “pre-tour training,” U2 can give Coldplay a run in the anthemic arena tour department.

Oh yes, Rolling Stone managed to make condemned Vicious Vagina pal, Bono, appear Christ-like as they gushed incessantly. “It’s amazing that the biggest band in the world (U2) has so much integrity and passion in its music. Our society is thoroughly screwed, fame is a ridiculous waste of time, and celebrity culture is disgusting. There are only a few people around brave enough to talk out against it, who use their fame in a good way. And every time I try, I feel like an idiot, because I see Bono actually getting things achieved. While everyone else was swearing at George Bush, Bono was the one who rubbed Bush’s back and got a billion dollars for Africa. People can be so cynical — they don’t like do-gooders — but Bono’s attitude is, “I don’t care what anybody thinks, I’m going to speak out.” He’s accomplished so much with Greenpeace, in Sarajevo, at the concert to shut down the Sellafield nuclear plant.”

Well, wait a minute right there! Who trumpets fair trade and even went to a Cancun Summitt to make their point? Our Chris Martin. Coldplay brought along Oxfam volunteers and set up a table to solicit donations for the charity at every stop of their worldwide Viva la Vida tour. How about meat-free Mondays? Coldplay asked their fans to refrain from eating meat to support vegetarianism and reduce the carbon imprint from cattle and hog ranches? Coldplay made their own Sergeant Pepper
-like uniforms they wore on the Viva tour, thereby proving they possess awesome sewing skills. Who sounds like the bigger band in the world now? What blond movie star and Oscar-winning wife is Bono married to?

Did U2’s Bono heal the potato headed cripple? Did U2 manage a redemption experience for their fans at Glastonbury? Where is The Church of U2 or even Bono, should one even exist? Our Chris was so cool even when a foul-mouthed Bono insulted him in 2009 by calling him a “wanker” and a “cretin.” The exalted Coldplay front man responded to Bono’s calling him a “wanker” by saying, “I always thought he felt that way. I think it’s great that we’re arch enemies – that’s a joke too. We respect any musician, particularly ones who have kept going and not changed line-up and have always been good.” What supreme control and poise Chris exhibits when faced with a mouthy Guinness gulper like Bono’s jealous tirade!

Friends and countrymen and women of Chris: we know in our hearts who reigns supreme! Saint Cobain in the heavenly realm has blessed our Chapel of Chris–that is proof that our blessed endeavor on behalf of the Coldplay crooner is proper and ecumenically correct! Let us now proclaim it for the world to acknowledge: THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD IS COLDPLAY! They are TOP DOGS, despite the whimpering of BONO! If U2 or treacherous condemned Saint Bono has anything more to say about our divine dogma, then the Irish lotharios should be on the lookout for the next Church woman we sent over to take out another body part of Bono’s before their next big tour!
COLDPLAY RULES! Amen.

BECOME CLEAR ON CHRIS with “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION.” HALLELUJAH!

Having trouble connecting with the sanctity of Coldplay? Has a profane, corrupted world shattered your true perceptions of the magnanimous goodness of Chris Martin? Might you wish to partake more of the blessings that abound in the intrinsic cleanness of Chris? It’s time to get “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZED!”

Praise Heaven and Saint Cobain. The Chris-tal Chapel of Chris welcomes all to a new Liturgy and Teaching:

RECEIVE CRYSTALLINE KNOWLEDGE of CHRIS VIA “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION:”

Church congregants: Let me offer this disclaimer. This new doctrine offers the peaceable fruits of genuine knowledge and understanding of our Great Prophet. No, this is not a chastening class for those who are unable to propel themselves to Coldplay redemption. All are welcome! Sinners and Holy Elders alike! For every Chris(tian)and Coldplay fan: You are a son and daughter of Chris. No, I do not refer to those angelic progeny birthed by Mother Gwyneth: Apple and Moses.

You are a SPIRITUAL SON & DAUGHTER of Chris, but you must seek and accept this divine blessing. You are not chastened and scourged for this because you have done something wrong but because you have done something right. You have hungered for the righteousness of the good Coldplay band and seek to become a new creature in Chris. So, The Church hereby begins the creation of a new creature; a new creature in Chris that you might be partakers of the holiness of Chris. You don’t become holy by observing certain rituals or attending excessive Coldplay concerts. You become holy by experiencing “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION.

Brethren & Sistren: welcome this new teaching that will debut soon at The CHRIS-TAL CATHEDRAL. Oh. I pray that Chris(tians) receive this revelation. The place being prepared is not a place up in the heavens of the sky but in the heavens of the spirit of Coldplay. Abide in the goodness of Chris. Seek clarity of vision—a type of crystalization in essence. In this way, we become one with Chris and he is in us and we are in him. You might say that we have gone to heaven on earth and that is the Coldplay redemption! It saves the holy and sinners, alike.

Oh, that all Chris(tians) would abide in this new teaching! It has the potential to change the human race for the betterment of all mankind! Our brothers and sisters not of Chris are fast falling asleep and into bondage, and can now barely tell the difference between liberation of the spirit and false idol worship of other cool bands. Such is the riddle that can be solved by subugating yourself in CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION. In the fresh breath and light of a new dawn on earth, the dark and rusty shackles of the past fall off and made many glad anew.

So that our CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN may be dressed in a dazzling spiritual finery, and the world marvels anew at our power and glory; might we be the beautiful maiden among the dissolute and unattractive that the Prince of Coldplay chooses as his handmaiden to awaken an unknowing, craven world to his great goodness? For once upon a time, it is told, the Prince among slaves freed his long-suffering people from the nefarious grip of a wretched world and led them all out of the vast kingdom of sin and into a journey across a vast desert and into the land of milk and honey. That is where “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION” will take you. Please make your reservations and tithe payments now to save your spot at the CHRIS-TAL CATHEDRAL box office! Amen.

THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN DECLARES ZUMBA to be OF THE DEVIL!

Zumba is a Latin-inspired dance workout that incorporates slow and fast rhythms with resistance training to create a fitness program that burns fat while sculpting and toning your entire body. It targets your lower body, abs, core and upper body. But did you know that Zumba also targets YOUR SOUL?

Fresh on the heals of The Church of Chris Martin declaring YOGA to be of Satanic influence, we now have the piously devout SISTERS of the DIVINE ORDER of the SACRED VIRGINS at The Church of Chris Martin insisting that Zumba is also to be feared. These fine women of Chris desire to warn the unwary of the soul decimation Zumba will bring.

According to Zumba, if you follow the regime, you will lose a dress or pant size in your first 10 days. We think they really mean “lose a dress or pant!” Focusing on your earthly body and using sweaty exercise that utilizes enticing moves that simulate sex is a despicable act of the devil that will send you straight to HELL!

These moral concerns about the temptations of Zumba are meant to remind parishioners that at all times, you must protect your divine holiness against unclean urges that make you little better than the wild animals that roam the jungle. Chris has sanctified you into a greater reality of absolute purity of soul. In a world full of evil, temptation, and dangerous sin, Zumba becomes the first step many clueless exercisers will take towards the eventual Lake of Fire, which awaits those who shake their money-makers with Zumba.

Our Church must be constantly vigilant about the potential for our spiritual corruption… this Zumba dancing can be destructive, and invite demons into our lives to defile and destroy us. Yes, dance is mentioned positively in the Bible. Yes, three blessed Scriptures do attest that dancing in the Bible is seen as positive, but it is all in reference to dancing before the Lord or expressing the joy found in the music of Coldplay. Unfortunately, the popular dances and exercises of our era fail to fall into this exalted category. Do not lose your eternal soul to Zumba!

The Bible says: Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” And bad exercise ruins good souls! Share your love foe Chris and the band in healthy ways such as walking pilgrimages to Glastonbury and Yellow Tent Adventure bike rides. You may gather in a group only to throw your arms up into the air and declare your love of Coldplay forevermore. The Church of Chris Martin hereby proclaims: ZUMBA IS DECEITFUL and HARMFUL : DO NOT PRACTICE THIS ABOMINATION DANCE! Amen.

THE POPE CANONIZES OUR GREAT FATHER DROBBINGDON AS A CHURCH SAINT

Monsignor Guido Lasagna, the supreme master of papal liturgical ceremonies, relayed a Papal message to The Church of Chris Martin. Knowing of our deep love and admiration for our Blessed Arch Pope and founder, Father Drobbingdon, our Marion-worshiping friends over in Vatican City sent word of their desire to agree to our request to canonize the martyred Arch Pope. Pope Benedict spoke lovingly of our Father, calling the great man an example of the “splendor of the noble simplicity” of our virtual Church.

The Holy See noted in his missive, that our canonization request is a “definitive honor through which the supreme pontiff decrees that a servant of God, already listed among the blessed, is to be inscribed in the catalog of saints and venerated in the universal church. Pope Benedict promises, through his authority exercised, to use his triple invocation of God’s help in asking for divine assistance in returning Father Drobbingdon back to the Church, proper.

The Holy Elders agree to not press any criminal charges against out Supreme Master, should he return to the Church fold. All tithe monies and property that Father Drobbingdon absconded with, including the Golden Throne, has had their title transferred to the Arch Pope, whose integrity and honesty, is now, of course. beyond reproach.

Furthermore, The Catholics over in Rome are very proud of how our Church has forged a peaceful alliance with the heretics over at coldplaying.com. The Pope made note of that in his solemn “Saint Drobbingdon Liturgy Mass.” Here is the prayer said on behalf of our Spiritual Founder, Father Drobbingdon, now to be referred to in the future as SAINT DROBBINGDON.

““O Saint Drobbingdon, you renew the divine love inspired by Chris Martin and Coldplay by raising up earthly men and women–outstanding in their holiness, and fashion them into living witnesses of heavens unchanging love. O Saint Drobbingdon, you reach out your hand to the wretched refuse of coldplaying.com in friendship. Your heroic spirit and constant prayers are of ennobled greatness. The Glastonbury Pilgrimage you made to seek the Coldplay redemption sealed your soul with a resolute anointing that all shall cherish and admire forevermore. All hail the great SAINT DROBBINGDON!

SAINT BONO PRAYS FOR DELIVERANCE OF SISTER LILITH de SINENOMINE FROM THE SEX TRADE!

DEAREST BELOVEDS:

Our Saint Bono has come grievously to The Church of Chris Martin, besides himself with terrible news: Saint Bono’s “pre-tour trainer” and Coldplay “lyrical study partner” Sister Lilith de Sinenomine has been taken by a vicious gang of Euro thugs and forced to work in the sex trade! Our virginal (in name only) Lilith has been tracked down by goons hired by Bono. They found our saintly Frenchie trading her favors for a few Euro’s in that wretched Amsterdam Red Light District. I saw with my own eyes, the Virginal (in name only) Franco Flower winking at amorously inclined men and allowing these fiends to amuse themselves with her! Sacre Couer! What has become of our Lilith?

Bono’s “Glastonbury Rose” is now little more than a strutting harlot! All the blessed divinity and fine learning she acquired as a novice nun at The Church of Chris Martin has gone out the window and Satan has transformed the finest of Church proselytizers into a common prostitute!

We are calling together a posse of anointed Church members to pray for the deliverance of Sister Lilith. She is too valuable a Chapel devotee to cheapen herself in a dank whorehouse. If Lilith wishes to sell her goods, then I’m
sure The Church can find a place for her over at the Las Vegas Church of Chris Martin Escort Service and Wedding Chapel.

We ask that the Goodness of Chris arise and faithfully assist the Flower of the Seine, Sister Lilith, to come home to her Church family and her most worthy “student” Saint Bono. Amen.

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN CONDEMNS YOGA as “SINFUL!”

YES, CHURCH, the rumors are true, A new teaching has become known and it is about the evil sinfulness of YOGA! That’s right, Mother Gwyneth! THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN NOW CONDEMNS THE PRACTICE OF YOGA AS A TOOL OF SATAN!

HERE IS THE OFFICIAL CHURCH REBUKE, written with ecumenical authority by the Most Holy Deacon, Bishop Bennett:
This is the Letter to the Church on Some Aspects of Chris(tian) Practices in relation to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faithful:

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN HEREBY DECLARES THE PRACTICE of YOGA TO BE OF THE DEVIL. Catholics may not practice yoga, and neither shall we. Yoga is, spiritually speaking, extremely dangerous —it is akin to giving demons a portal to enter our souls. While the Church understands the spiritual restlessness arising from a life subjected to the driving pace of a technologically advanced society that may cause a certain number of Chris(tians) to seek in these methods of yoga a path to interior peace and psychic balance, we must caution that this may not be proper, spiritually.

What the Holy Elders are advising is that congregants be very cautious when approaching Eastern traditions such as yoga and to always stay true to divine concepts of God, humanity, salvation, and Coldplay redemption. Our Church’s concern about yoga: it’s not the stretches and poses that the Elders are worried about, it’s the New Age Eastern mysticism that underlies them and is often taught alongside them. Some of that is contrary and not compatible with our tradition, and if a true believer of Chris buys into it, that might challenge the faithfulness of fruitfulness of our blessed flock.

Our friends at the Vatican additionally warn, that these extreme yoga exercise regimens make an idol out of the physical body. Some even practice NUDE YOGA–an abomination to God and an incitement to sex, for sure!

Let there be no doubt: Yoga is the work of the devil! You think you are just doing some healthy stretching and before you know it, you’ve turned into a Hindu! Because we have saved so many souls from the vicious Lake of Fire, our Church has attracted it’s share of spiritual warfare and wickedness. Satan is always hidden and desires more than anything to trick people into believing he does not exist. The handiwork of the devil is not always out there for us to see: The King of Darkness is stealthy and he studies us and our propensity for good and evil. If he can find a way to invade our souls, he will. For many, Lucifer uses, drugs, alcohol, sex, porn. For many others, it is yoga. Be warned, Church!

Stay strong, Believers in Chris. The Church will hold a YOGA EXORCISM LITURGY to pray for those souls who have been taken by Satan while practicing yoga. The Church of Chris Martin hereby condemns the practice of yoga for all followers. Including and most especially, Mother Gwyneth!!
It is done.

THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN WELCOMES YOU TO THE MARTIN MERCY SEAT!

PRAISE GOD! In a heartfelt answer to the ceaseless prayer of many a Chris Martin devotee, the ordained time has come for The Church of Chris Martin to announce a great tiding of merit:

THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN MERCY SEAT!!

Have you had trouble connecting with the Glory of Chris? Are you a mere fan that sits there and nods off to the Coldplay music playing on your iPod? Have you been overcome by Satan and criticized the heavenly talents of Coldplay, or worse yet, thought them to be a “chick band?” SHAME ON YOU! Surely the devil has gotten into your head with unworthy and impure thoughts! You are a blessed vessel for channeling the anointed messages of prophecy and good works that come bounding out of the righteous mouth of the Coldplay songster!

RATHER THAN PUNISH THE BLASPHEMY, THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN SEEKS to BLESS THE WRETCHED REFUSE THAT SEEKS to DEFILE Chris Martin! YOU MAY NOW, for a small tithing fee (tax refundable, no less), RECEIVE PARDON, by placing yourself upon the GOLDEN THRONED CHRIS MARTIN MERCY SEAT. FOR A FEW MINUTES of FERVENT PRAYER and a SINCERE REPENTANCE, you many be forgiven of the mouth sins you cast against Chris. THE MARTIN MERCY SEAT contains a copy of every song Coldplay has ever recorded. There are blessed relics of Chris and what is left of the flattering pictures of the Coldplay crooner not stolen away from us by Father Drobbingdon, when he abandoned us. YELLOW incense burns while the damned are made whole. The TEN COMMANDMENTS–written on stone–by our Arch Pope, upon the founding of this Church, are encased within the Mercy Seat. All who lower their cleansed posterior onto the MERCY SEAT, by the paying of a Church tithe (for processing) shall have every sin forgiven that they have committed against the band and Chris Martin. The sprinkling of Chris Martin Holy Water upon the divine Mercy Seat will ensure that your every sin against Coldplay is faithfully forgiven! The grace of Chris abounds & will come upon you when you lower yourself onto his namesake seat (for a minimum tithe of $100 pounds.)

This is an honor and sacred sacrament indeed, and one that every pious parishioner should partake of, lest they drop dead and face the wrath of Saint Cobain, who will wonder–up there behind the Pearly Gates, why a good soul such as yourself, did not pay a small tithe (for Church administrative costs)and obtain pardon upon The Church of Chris Martin Mercy Seat?

DO NOT LET THIS PRICELESS OPPORTUNITY PASS YOU BY! MAKE your reservation now to be consecrated upon the Martin Seat of Mercy! Viva!