THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN SPIRITUAL RETREAT: Now Accepting Pilgrims for DEVOUT, YEAR-END STUDY

Those of us, the Spiritual Followers of Chris– invite you to join us at a YEAR-END RETREAT to meditate, study and discuss the future vision for The Church of Chris Martin. Today, that vision is continuing to grow with the worldwide popularity of Coldplay. Protecting and nurturing that vision is the foundation for our church, which, this year is  sponsoring the Retreat entitled, “Impacting Lives with Chris.”

Our goal is to provide a warm and caring place where the Spirit of Chris can come upon the seekers and they may find and reflect upon the glories of Chris and Coldplay. We, of the Church proper, are to be used to impact lives with the Word of Coldplay. These year-end retreats are a fertile field in which to sow the seeds of Coldplay Glory amongst the brethren. They are excellent opportunities to prepare yourself spiritually to impact lives for Chris.

 

If you are looking for a place to grow in your faith, mull over the many Coldplay lyrical metaphors, sit and ponder the lyrical brilliance of Chris Martin,  prepare  emotionally for the Glastonbury Yellow Tent Outreach, or simply just relax and have fun, then this is for you. Perhaps you prefer to just enjoy God’s beautiful creation, Chris Martin, amid the splendor of nature? For whatever reason, and a small princely sum of Euro Dollars, this magnificent retreat can be yours.

To be able to prosthelytize effectively and deepen your Coldplay adoration, it is imperative for parishioners to seek out experiences such as this to deepen their dedication to the Church.  Participants will be asked to observe Noble Silence and practice the Fix You Compassion towards the less fortunate such as the coldplaying.com heretics and nay-sayers. The Music of Chris will support new awakenings among the Church neophytes who will be partnered at the retreat with more experienced Chrisites. Teachings, allowed here from the Buddhists, will encourage opening to one’s innate wisdom, love and peace. The retreat will include instruction in Insight Meditation, heart-centered meditations, chanting from various traditions, Glastonbury Astral Travel, and new this year–SHAPE-SHIFTING at Coldplay shows so you can get backstage to meet Chris! Come one; come all to the 2016 CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN SPIRITUAL RETREAT. Scholarships are available for the needy. See BROTHEROB for an application and endorsement. Go in the Peace of Chris.

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*CHRISTMAS MESSAGE FROM CHURCH*

(“And so, it was with an extra sense of weight that the band came out to a recording of the iconic speech made by Charlie Chaplin in his film, The Great Dictator; which has formed a regular part of their live performances, from their UK tour to the Big Weekend.”)

A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE:  LIFE CAN BE A WONDERFUL ADVENTURE.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone – if possible – Jew, Gentile – black man – white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness – not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost….

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men – cries out for universal brotherhood – for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world – millions of despairing men, women, and little children – victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say – do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. …..

Soldiers! don’t give yourselves to brutes – men who despise you – enslave you – who regiment your lives – tell you what to do – what to think and what to feel! Who drill you – diet you – treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” – not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power – the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.”

 

 

THE CHURCH CALLS FORTH: The Annual Inspection of the LYRICAL ASSISTANTS

In this, the Blessed Chris(mas) Season, it falls upon the Holy Brethren to call forth an Annual Inspection of the Church Lyrical Assistants. And Praises to Heaven, this year we will also be inspecting all those who pass muster as, POTENTIAL WIVES FOR CHRIS! Yes, it is true. Our beloved Coldplay warbler wants a helpmate and none of those herpes-infested Charlatans and anorexic Jezebels in La-La Land will give Chris a chance to march down the aisle!

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Imagine that: Empty-headed actresses and models–so self-absorbed and spiritually condemned, that they can’t see the Great News that stands before them. I shudder to think at how there must be nothing between those diamond encrusted ear cuffs, that a mighty man such as Chris finds cause to cry out in utter loneliness. Think how sad that most be: to be so utterly devoid of enlightenment and so into selfies, laser treatments and dropping naked pis to your Cloud that you cannot comprehend the Musical Beneficence in your midst. I say this not to chastise these Hollywood Vixens, who don’t know any better, but to acknowledge an opportunity for our nubile Church ladies to SEIZE THE MOMENT and ecumenically & spiritually bewitch our Chris into (holy) MATRIMONY! Imagine “studying Coldplay lyrics” with the VERY ONE who wrote those “Coldplay lyrics.”

Yes Church, we live in a fallen world. It is depraved, no doubt, most especially by the likes of coldplaying.com, who still resist every civilized entreaty to come to a detente in honor of Chris. The debased among us, include the Bathsheba’s of La-La Land, who have furtively used every last oozing enhanced bosom and Pilates-enhanced leg to entice our Spiritual Warrior, Chris, and he is a man, no less. That (fake) cleavage, flaxen (dyed) hair and silky (pulsed) skin amid the licentiousness of  Hollywood, is the handiwork of Satan. The Wicked One uses these immoral women with no souls, to attract and then repel our Coldplay crooner, leaving him emotionally confused and vulnerable to the wiles of the Devil. Is it any wonder that Chris cries out in angst to the world for a wife to shield him from the misery and ignominy that follows him like a moth to the flame?

It is incumbent on us, His Church, to organize an INSPECTION OF LYRICAL ASSISTANTS, whereby the Devout of Coldplay can put forth a carefully cultivated group of women who may well be of wifely quality and conscript them to go forward to alleviate the wretched singleton condition of our Coldplay Master.  May every fecund lady present herself at the (CHRIS)MAS gathering for an Inspection which will determine whether she is acceptable or not to be admitted to the CHURCH LIST OF POTENTIAL WIVES. That means in addition to the Ursuline Order of Glastonbury Pilgrims,  the Sisters of the Incarnate (Coldplay) Word,  Sisters of Divine (Yellow) Providence, the Blessed  Virgins of the Coldplay Clositer,  Sisters of the Holy (Coldplay) Cross,  the Sisters of Mercy, the Dominican Sisters, and lastly, Sisters of the Holy Ghost and Mary Immaculate Conception MUST APPEAR to be reviewed for a suitability to please Chris.We are specifically seeking attractive women of average height and weight; preferably with blond hair although light brown is acceptable. The ideal candidate must be pretty, healthy, physically active and able to pass a Coldplay lyrical test. Special points will be added if novitiates volunteered as Glastonbury Aides in the Yellow Tents or as Musical Pilgrims who sought to convert the unwashed musical fans into Coldplay supporters. Having experienced a Coldplay Redemption will insure you a spot. Also, a cooking test will need to be passed, and familiarity with healthy vegetarian and gluten-free cooking is required. A love of children and family would be a suitable asset as Chris will most likely want additional rug rats.

Any prospective bride who is being tried and found worthy of admission to this specific religious order of SISTERS OF SUITABILITY  must lastly, defer to the testing of all diseases. including sexually communicable, which shall be no reflection on them, personally, but only a medical test that shall be the final clearance in order to be included in such a GLORIOUS GROUP of PROSPECTIVE BRIDES.  May the heavens shine down upon us as we of the Church of Chris seek to obliterate his suffering and present him a suitable array of brides in which to chose an ecumenical consort and cherished partner for Our Most Beloved in Chris. Amen.

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THE CHURCH DECRIES THE PAIN of CHRIS, AS “NO ONE WILL MARRY HIM.”

As we inch closer to Chris(mas,) it pains me to say that our Beloved Church icon, Chris Martin, is in emotional distress, as he cries out to the world that “no one wants to marry me.” With Mother Gwyneth flaunting a new ring on THAT finger from her boyfriend, Jennifer Lawrence getting hot’n’heavy with her latest movie director & Annabelle Wallis rumored to have shucked Chris for even richer Tom Cruise, her “The Mummy” movie costar, the poor man has reason to question his desirability. However, as many devout womenfolk of the Church can attest, there are bounteous,  lovely ladies lined up here at the Chapel of Coldplay, ready and willing to marry Mr. Martin any time.

In fact, I recall that when news broke that Chris Martin had finally been unhinged from his ball-and-chain, Mother Gwyneth, and a divorce was imminent, The Church erupted in massive displays of happiness and glee. Our Great One was soon to be free of the scourge of the GOOP maven and our women–young and old–rejoiced! 

Now to hear that Chris is sad and lonely breaks the hearts of females here who would make perfectly appropriate companions and muses for the Coldplay warbler. But first Chris must give up his obsession with only dating and getting jiggy with bony Hollywood blonds. If the past is any indication, Mother Gwyneth, Hollywood hussy Kate Bosworth, Hollywood Harlot Kate Hudson, silly & immature Jennifer Lawrence and gold digger Annabelle Wallis–all have one thing in common: they are anorexic actresses who need to eat a hamburger and ditch the hair dye. Here is the cold honest truth for Chris to consider: If you want something different, you have to do something different today to create a different life tomorrow. ..chris-martin-divorce-depressed-gwyneth-paltrow-conscience-uncoupling-01

Perhaps Our sensitive divorcee should BRANCH out and date regular-sized ladies with dark hair or croon a love song to a comely Asian or Hispanic babe?  Why does the music maven keep going after the same kind of woman and always end up with a bad experience to show for it?  

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Jennifer Lawrence is a talented actress but that fling was a disaster. They has stars in their eyes for each other but it was not to be. Jen did not like all the attention she got from dating Chris. Soon they were kaput. I shan’t say that many of the novitiates here at The Church were too upset about this one. However, Chris rebounded into the arms of the very pretty fellow Brit Annabelle Wallis. Things seemed to be going swimmingly, until Annabelle used her new, higher profile & connections– thanks to dating Chris– to score a big role in the new Tom Cruise remake of The Mummy movie. Soon the gossip started that Tom Cruise was hot for Annabelle and Chris was left by the roadside once again.  This bad luck with romance is sad to see because we all know that Chris Martin is the ultimate catch. What are these whack-a-doodle women in La-La Land thinking when they don’t try harder to make things work with such a great guy?

 Here is what this poor man said about his forlorn love life to the UK Daily Mail and it is heart-breaking:    “He finalized his divorce from Gwyneth Paltrow in July this year after 10 years of marriage. And Coldplay front-man Chris Martin, 39, has provided a rare update on his love life by joking that his chances of finding another wife are slim.”

Speaking to KIIS FM‘s Sophie Monk and Matty Acton on Thursday, the British crooner joked: ‘No one wants to marry me.’ ‘I’m just not really nice. I fooled one person once,’ he went on.  It makes every lithesome lovely who pines for Chris here at the Yellow Chapel feel utter pain to endure the lamentations of the “Fix You” master and his unlucky love life. But we here have come up with a solution. “PAPAL PURPLE,” which is a:shower of citrus framed by powdery frankincense, masculine woodsmoke, and dry vanilla layered upon a sexy musk. It is guaranteed to drive women wild because hidden in the fragrance mix is an exclusive pheromone blend. It is derived from the gonads of male moose and guaranteed to attract hot chicks.tom-cruise-dating-annabelle-wallis-218x300Though there

is an adage that “nice guys finish last,” here at The Church of Chris Martin, our nice guy will come in first. And to make that happen, the Church dipped into its tithing reserves to help make 2017 into a powerhouse of love for Chris.

This is our Chris(mas) gift to Chris: a case of “PAPAL PURPLE” to entice a new love interest. This will help Chris so he can brag and show off like his ex-wife, Mother Gwyneth, when she flaunts her producer boyfriend. Chris will have a big smile on his face and a twinkle in his cornflower blue eyes even though weird -o Jennifer Lawrence is canoodling with her nerdy-looking movie director and Annabelle Wallis runs off with Scientology nut Tom Cruise. There is a world full of women for Chris out there; some of whom are members of this VERY CHURCH and who would make excellent consorts for him. But putting on some “PAPAL PURPLE” is a good first start to get your foot in any door. Chris is crying out for help and the mission of this Church in his name should be to make it happen so that Chris can find a good woman and get himself hitched again. May the angel of LOVE alight on our singleton Chris and bring him a new wife. Preferably, from THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN. Amen.

INVITATION to CELEBRATE CHRISMASS

Blessed of Chris: 

Yes, it is that time of year when the devout of Coldplay gather to celebrate yet another year of glorious memories of Chris Martin, which our eponymous Church in his honor call CHRISMASS.

And 2016 does not disappoint us here, when all the Coldplay and Chris Martin action is analyzed, dissected and studied. Our Scholars of Coldplay have slaved away in the Musical Library to prepare a year-end extravaganza of a Mass of Chris. Pious pillars of Martinite adoration will come to light the Yellow candles & pay homage to the Great One. Our Glastonbury Outreach tents, where so many decrepit souls have been redeemed in Coldplay, will welcome one and all with our most comely lyrical study nuns, who will sing and perform (clothed) interpretative dances to Coldplay songs. Sip the Holy Water and Holy Wine of Chris, peruse the Art Gallery of flattering photos of Chris and admire the art works (one of which, by Princess Coldplay, comes from the wankers at coldplaying.com) capture the essence of Chris in all his grandeur. 

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Young and old alike are welcome to attend the Chrismass. In fact, indoctrinating the youth in the magical music of our blue-eyed balladeer is such a worthwhile pursuit. The little Chrisites love to light the Yellow candles.  Tithing will be mandatory so the Church can raise funds to further advances in the Study of Chris and prepare to send some worthy members to Coldplay concerts, who could not otherwise afford it, in 2017. So when the plate is passed, please be generous and remember how our Dear Brit Warbler is a worthy subject of scholarship monies to be doled out so the unfortunate among us can revel in the glory of Chris.

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Come celebrate the end of the year with the Church. The Virgins Sisters of the Chris-tian Noviates will accept indulgence remittances and hear confessions from all Martinites, excepting those of the coldplaying persuasion. If you have taken the name of Chris Martin or Coldplay in vain this past year, it is vitally important you plead for forgiveness. If you suffered from impure thoughts of a sinful nature in regard to Chris Martin or perhaps felt jealously or condemnation towards Mother Gwyneth, it is imperative you come forward and seek a clean and pure heart. Perhaps you were once a defiled member of coldplaying.com and now wish to join a group that does not consist of basement masturbaters & 35-year old virgins. We welcome you here, once you denounce all of your past iniquities and swear out a solemn oath of loyalty to our Church of Chris.

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We look forward to seeing you soon at Chrismass. May the exalted spirit of Chris come upon you and yours. And may the sacred message of Coldplay music redeem your soul so that you, too, may escape the devil’s lair and the precipice of eternal damnation that mere mortals and those of the coldplaying ilk are wont to suffer. Viva.