POPE FRANCIS ENCOURAGES EXORCISM; THE CHURCH RESPONDS

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Blessings in Abundance to All of Good Faith. A papal missive came down from our Vatican pal, Pope Francis. The Pontiff is encouraging the Marion-worshipers to call on Catholic exorcists–if needed. The Vicar of Rome told priests that they should be willing to SEEK OUT an exorcist if they feel it’s warranted, but first they should make sure the person is actually possessed. That means not just crazy or delusional, but really demon-possessed.

Recently Father Vincent Lampert of the Indianapolis Archdiocese said “The problem isn’t that the devil has upped his game, but more people are willing to play it.”

With exorcisms on the rise and the Pope encouraging the battle against Satan’s handiworks, we, The Church in the name of Chris Martin, have been called into action. Pope Francis is a good friend of our virtual Chapel of Coldplay and we must support his outreach to the righteous to take on the forces of darkness. The Roman Pontiff urged us forward by stating that “Chris(t)ian living requires a constant battle with the devil.” Now this is something our resolute congregants know all to well as we have had an ongoing battle with our nemesis coldplaying.com. But that is all about to change as we now wish to EXORCISE the craven demons at coldplaying.com in order to support the Pontiff’s outreach and call to action against the cackling jackals in thrall to the Lake of Fire.

Yes, Church, we will begin EXORCISMS and seek out candidates to practice on. We are looking for any coldplaying.com nitwits who would like to volunteer. By doing so, these despicable vermin who wank the days away in their mother’s dank basement could have a chance at a redemptive experience and ingratiate themselves with The Church of Chris Martin. This would help to save the rotting souls of the wretched refuse that call coldplaying.com home. We promise to be gentle with the pustule-infested chattel and shan’t injure them too severely whilst our EXORCISM TRAINEES remove the darkened spirit of Hades from the coldplaying.com blackened souls.

Now it might be hard to separate out all those at coldplaying.com who are mentally ill or simply evil from those souls in bondage to the devil. This will certainly be a task not for the Church faint of heart. Still, we are called by our Catholic brothers and sisters over at Vatican City to come to a Holy Conclusion & that is: We have been called upon–not just to spread the Good News of Chris Martin & Coldplay– but to actively seek out festering coldplaying.com nay-sayers and spiritually-diseased heathens. It is our Holy Task to remove the grip of Satan from their pathetic and lonely lives.

This is a part of the immense burden of being a righteous virtual Chapel of Chris. We must harken to the Battle Extraordinaire that awaits us and do so in order to help our Roman Papal patron but also to bring glory to Chris Martin. If the liturgical music of Coldplay can redeem lost souls at Glastonbury and send music fans astral traveling on a Yellow Assumption; then it surely can foist the devil from the lair of the manical bullies at coldplaying.com.

Let the threading vermin of our antagonist–coldplaying.com– now come forward to submit to the CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN EXORCISM RITUALS. Go in faith and in the glory of Yellow.

AMEN.

 

 

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY to JERRY CANTRELL

The stork had a surprise for Rooster Cantrell & his Mrs. way back in 66;

A bundle of joy named Jerry was dropped off into the Tacoma family mix.

The tow-headed lad would grow up strong;  he was very talented and could write music, lyrics & songs.

On this day in March we gather to wish the AIC guitarist well;

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to JERRY CANTRELL!

 

 

 

 

CHRIS MARTIN POTENTIAL WIVES COME FORWARD FOR EVALUATION

Blessings in abundance to all: It is a glorious day here at The Church of Chris Martin for a bevy of beauteous noviates have been selected in order to present our Coldplay warbler with an appropriate and companionable consort.

Our task-master in the search for the second Mrs. Martin–a role that only the most worthy of earthly women can aspire to–is Cardinal Father Timothy. This esteemed Man of Chris has worked tirelessly to cull out of the packs of Church ladies who breathlessly came forward to lay claim to the Great One of Coldplay.  He has prayed for the success of this blessed endeavor.

As such, we now must choose among the candidates, one who will captivate the Yellow warbler and perhaps end his miserable singleton status. The Church has carefully utilized the criteria of what the Coldplay crooner seems to like: slim, bony, blond and attractive. Additionally, we sought out wifely skills that please Chris: environmentally-aware, fair trade advocates, clean water activists, college-educated and likes children. We now present out illustrious group of devout Chris(t)ianites who have made the final cut. This weekend at the Vespers Service, a vote will be taken by all the brethren and sistren as to who might best get Chris to pop the question. Here are the hopeful finalists who hope to land Mother Gwyneth’s ex. Which righteous and comely Church disciple would best end the lonely status of Chris and make him a virtuous wife? Make your selection and vote for your choice at the Vespers Service or Confessional happening  this weekend. Amen. Please note: twin candidates are in the running and so is a candidate who would not allow her photo to be taken.

 

40th Birthday Celebration for Chris Martin: A Great Day of Festivities

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Yes, the day is upon us and we will keep it low key. Our Coldplay crooner has turned 40 years old. This day, among others, is one for all the Church to cleave together and show true adoration and thanks for the blessing of Chris Martin. Here is the 2017 Birthday Liturgy:

On this day we celebrate the birth of Chris Martin, on whom we pray abundant blessings and joy. The Coldplay warbler was born 40 years ago this day and for that we thank Mr. & Mrs. Martin for their delivery into this world of our Great One. We, the Church is his name, offer grateful praise for the gift of this Martinite life.

Hear our prayers that Chris Martin find a worthy wife this year whereby he might lose his singleton status and have a happy home life.  We, the devout of Yellow continually rejoice in this  day of his birth and rejoice in the gifts of his life and love, family and friends. We bless the Brit songster with our continuous presence and devotion, surrounding him with our love. May Chris Martin enjoy many happy years, all of them in the splendor of his divine musical talent.

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We ask that our Birthday balloon release with Coldplay lyrics inside fall upon fertile ground and bless the receiver with the great gift of enlightenment through the scriptural context of the Coldplay oeuvre. In this we prayer. Amen.

AS The Church of Chris Martin EVOLVES, coldplaying.com REGRESSES.

Scientists and psycho-babble evolutionists tells us that men came from the apes. These theories propose that not all members of a type evolved into another type, but that only a small group of individuals, isolated from the others, evolved, leaving the others behind. In some cases, those left behind fail to thrive and in fact, regress.

So,  it is such that The Church of Chris Martin was born of a love for the Word and Song of Coldplay and the adoration of singer Chris Martin.  And from that passion, there begot a glorious virtual Chapel in thrall to all that is Chris Martin and Coldplay.

Three men from Scotland ventured forth from the briny depths of despair and headed out on a road trip to seek Coldplay redemption at Glastonbury many years ago. One of these was a miserable, hen-pecked man who came to be known as Father Drobbingdon, Arch Pope of The Church of Chris Martin. He and his friends suffered through the most accursed of foul British weather, tolerated the blandest of English food, set their backpacks down in intolerably dusty roadhouses on their way to Glastonbury. All in the name of seeking that which they had only heard whisperings of: The COLDPLAY redemption. EVOLUTION was about to occur. The Three Wise Men were rewarded for their wretched sufferings whereby at the concert, their souls escaped their bodies and floated in the atmosphere, all whilst the music of Coldplay played. This out-of-body experience was not a lucid dream but an actual redemptive experience that changed forever the lives of the 3 Glastonbury Pilgrims. Father Drobbingdon was so overcome with gratitude for Coldplay’s transforming his live & his spirit, that he vowed to forevermore honor the band and singer Chris Martin. This is the ultimate evolution of a sentient being, overcome in the rapture of glory that is a Coldplay concert experience and a spiritual ascension occurs that allows that person to transpose themselves into a higher evolved state of enlightenment and wisdom. 

However, we reside in a wicked and depraved world. And for all the striving forward our Church of Chris has done; there is also a forboding regression tool of doom and that is named coldplaying.com. These miserable and wretched vermin have nipped at the heels of The Church of Chris Martin since the day Father Drobbingdon sat down to start up our Beloved Sanctuary of Coldplay. The basement refuse of coldplaying.com, instead of seeking to evolve by way of the sanctity of Coldplay, prefer to snipe, criticize, bully and terrorize the good people of Chris. coldplaying.com is the anti-Church; it regresses as we evolve. The furtive threaders and mentally-crippled nay-sayers are content to survive in their own dysfunctional world while the Church seeks to use the music of Coldplay to offer salvation to the masses.

This is how bad coldplaying.com is. A new Church Facebook member came to us crying at how coldplaying.com bullied her and caused her to flee to the welcoming arms of our congregation. Another Church official, spying on coldplaying.com, was sent vicious email messages to stop “or else.” 

Yes, evolution is a good thing. But regression is what coldplaying.com is doing. The simpletons there would not know a Coldplay excelsis if it hit them in their acne-prone face. human-hairy-primate

Perhaps after the Chris Martin Birthday Jubilee, some of the brethren might seek to do outreach to the coldplaying.com heathens. Maybe a few of the better threaders might see the light and come out of the coldplaying.com darkness. Or it could just be that as our mighty Church prevails and gets nobler by the day, we would leave the howling jackals behind in their snakepit, to languish forevermore, as we, The Devout of Coldplay unite in YELLOW Paradise. Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AN OPEN LETTER to TOM MORELLO: PLEASE HELP US HONOR GRUNGE GREAT Alice in Chains at RNRHOF.

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Billboard Magazine has noted that the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame may skimp on inducting “80’s alternative mainstays, but the ’90s, they seem to be good with: Nirvana and Green Day both got in on their first shots.” Next up? The popular choice: Pearl Jam. Billboard describes them as the  most “classic rock of grunge-era breakout bands.” I have seen Pearl Jam several times live and they are indeed a great band and worthy of all RNRHOF acclaim.  They are an anomaly among the grunge groups in that they have maintained their original line-up over time. Quite a feat and lead singer Eddie Vedder hasn’t gone the way of Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and Layne Staley of Alice-in-Chains by OD-ing on drugs. Which brings me to the subject of Alice-in-Chains–a great band that has suffered from being entirely under-rated but is also very deserving of future honors in the RNRHOF.

I am writing this open letter to Tom Morello to appeal for a consideration of AIC as the next grunge band to receive the prestigious honor. I admit I am biased because the grunge era was my heyday. I loved all the music coming out of Seattle; most especially my beloved Nirvana and Kurt Cobain. It is my mission to make sure that all the great grunge bands receive the acclaim and honor that they are due. Grunge is not just another side note in 90’s music history but helped define the culture of Generation X, and effectively started the alternative rock movement of the late 80’s and early 90’s. Grunge powerfully drew the eyes of the world to rainy Seattle and helped transform the city into the  independent music powerhouse it is today.  More than just a fad, grunge turned out to be a global phenomenon. “Because grunge wasn’t just another musical or youth trend – it was the ultimate expression and fusion of most of the defining cultural, ideological and social threads of the modern western world. Feminism, liberalism, irony, apathy, cynicism/idealism (those opposite sides of one frustrated coin), anti-authoritarianism, wry post-modernism, and not least a love of dirty, abrasive music; grunge reconciled all these into a seminal whole,” said a story in the Guardian.

It is painful to read all the online threads that argue about who is/was the best grunge band. IMO, they are all good in their own way and deserving of props. I don’t like to see great bands over-looked and it is my intention here to remedy that situation. MTV.com noted “Alice in Chains’ musical contribution and impact had often been overlooked” — with attention usually focused on Nirvana or Pearl Jam. Not right since “Alice in Chains burned as brightly as either — establishing their own identity and leaving their own impressive legacy.” AIC is still together today with a great new lead singer, William DuVall, since 2006. They recently finished a very successful North American tour that saw their concerts selling out and the fans as excited as ever. Many AIC songs are played on good rotation to this day on radio stations, along with other grunge greats. Despite some dark lyrical subject matter, AIC was no slacker band in terms of sales. Of the three studio albums released by the band from 1990-1995, all sold at least 1.5 million copies. The AIC installment in the Unplugged series charted at #3 in August 1996, and has gone on to tally more than 1.24 million in cumulative sales. Not too shabby.

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Alice in Chains also compare favorably with the other big Grunge three (Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden), with Alice having totaled more than 11.27 million in overall sales, according to SoundScan.bsite. Perhaps it is the dark and macabre flavor of their music, but it is a fact: Alice in Chains’ effect on rock music in the early ’90s is undeniable, although unfortunately underappreciated. They continue to record and tour to this very day and their musical influences color the work of current bands such as the Deftones, Godsmack, Staind and Creed, said MTV.com. Alice in Chains are supremely worthy of the recognition accorded by the RNRHOF. The individual members of AIC are all skilled musicians. Drummer Sean Kinney has mad effortless skills. One blogger said that “it looks like the sticks are doing all the work by themselves, and his hands are simply guiding them to where they need to be. So accurate and fluid, poetry in motion.” William DuVall, who took over lead vocals for the band in 2006, has that great strong rock voice and stage presence. He blows fans away with the ease in which he has transitioned into the lead gig and has said he no longer feels like “the new guy” anymore.  Bassist Mike Inez provides awesome steady pulses for AIC and has also played with Ozzy Osbourne, Heart, Slash, Black Label Society, and Michael Schenker. Then there is the incomparable Jerry Cantrell, who gives AIC’s sound a heavy metal edge mixed in with the basic grunge style. He has kept the band going and that is, in itself, worthy of award. It is not a easy thing to do. Chris Martin of Coldplay said it best when he noted that “We respect any musician, particularly ones who’ve kept going and not changed line up and have always been good.” Jerry Cantrell managed to take the almost irreparable loss of lead singer Layne Staley, keep the rest of the band together and then find a perfect new replacement singer and rise AIC up from the ashes to today’s current glory.

According to a story on http://www.npr.com,  it is the Rock Hall’s Nominating Committee that holds sway in the selection process. “Before the Hall’s hundreds of voters, or its millions of fans, can vote on their favorites —an elite committee of a few dozen critics, musicians and Hall insiders determines who is worthy of the vote in the first place.” http://www.npr.org/sections/therecord/2015/10/24/451226961/rock-and-roll-hall-of-fame-2016-the-only-system-weve-got.

This Nominating Committee, of which I am aware you are a member of, has been pared down recently and the refreshed Hall’s “Committee appears hell-bent on clearing the bench and inducting some long-overdues — many of them long overdue.” sad the NPR story. I say Hallelujah to that! I hope that is what can be done here to move along AIC towards consideration.

I understand that the selection process is part of a voting process and I am hopeful that in your Rock and Roll Hall of Fame capacity, you will consider the induction of Alice in Chains for a 2017 honor or if possible, help to put this great band up for a fan vote. I know that the passionate AIC fans will make it happen if a fan vote is on the agenda.

In order to be eligible for an induction the artist/s must have released a record at least 25 years prior to the year of induction and have demonstrated musical excellence. Alice in Chains was “signed to “Columbia Records” in 1989, and released its first EP,”We Die Young” in 1990. Later that year, the band released its debut studio album, “Facelift” according to Wikipedia. So they are indeed eligible as far as time goes. And yes, AIC have also demonstrated musical excellence. Rolling Stone called them “A metal band with an alternative-rock edge,” and one of “the biggest (bands) to emerge from the grunge scene that spawned Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden.” I like how Rolling Stone was able to so precisely decipher the exact niche that AIC resides in:  “the group’s dark, bitter songs, laden with references to drug addiction and death, occupy a musical landscape somewhere between Metallica’s dense head-bangers and Pearl Jam’s grinding anthems.”  Alice was popular, toured heavily and sold a lot of records.  In September 1991, their first album, Face Lift, had sold a half-million copies and featured the Grammy-nominated “Man in the Box.” Rolling Stone noted their sophomore effort, Dirt, went platinum in 1992 (eventually selling 3 million copies), and the “group’s appearance on the following summer’s Lollapalooza Tour confirmed its popularity among fans.” Talk about drug addiction and internal tensions effectively iced the band for many years. Despite lead singer Staley’s tragic passing, Alice fans always kept hope alive that the band would be resurrected. In 2009, with new lead singer William DuVall, the Alice comeback was in full swing:  Black Gives Way to Blue album hit #5 on the Billboard charts and went gold while racking up two Grammy nominations.  The new Alice release, The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here, arrived in the summer of 2013 and the band has gone out on the road for successful and sold out shows throughout North America. I was at the latest one here in San Diego in October 2016 and went to grunge heaven!  Wikipedia said “Peaking at number two on the Billboard 200” The Devil Put Dinosaurs was well received by music critics and fans. And AIC continues to work on new music, as I write.

It would seem that death and division might strive to put an end to the band.  But that hasn’t happened and the ability of this band to rise above the dire situations it finds itself (and it’s music) in and reemerge even stronger than ever is a testament to both the band’s musical strength and fan popularity. Not just head-bangers but grunge devotees such as myself and fans of the Seattle scene, the world over, love and revere Alice. Now AIC might define themselves to be more metal than grunge, but they just might have to settle for the grunge-label since that is what got them rich and famous.

Another thing the Hall of Fame looks at: an artist’s musical influence on other artists, and innovation and superiority in style and technique are taken into consideration. Alice’s musical influences on other artists are exceptional. Even though the band was primarily a metal band at first and then marketed into a grunge outfit, it’s influence on other bands is enormous. It is ironic that this great, under-rated band, who some have called “the ugly stepchild of grunge’s big names,” ended up (intentionally or unintentionally) being the “prime influence for hundreds of bands that came around the decade after their demise,.” (http://goodnonsense.blogspot.com/2006/06/influence-of-alice-in-chains.html)

Alice’s most successful imitator, Godsmack, found it’s very name from the title of an Alice in Chains song! How’s that for influence? Members of Slipknot, Korn, Staind, Papa Roach, Machine Head, Disturbed and even Portugal the Man (out of Alaska!) have all proclaimed their inspiration from AIC. Artists Direct website said “You can search the entire canon of recorded music, and you’ll never find a band that can do what these Seattle Legends can.”

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I have so much love and respect for you, Tom. You have played a part in so many great bands and so much enlightening music. I have enjoyed seeing you perform with RATM many times and am hopeful that here now, you will be able to help AIC. I remember that you once played a song with the late Layne Staley in the Class of ’99 band.  That alternative supergroup featured yourself, Layne,  Stephen Jenkins and Martyn LeNoble collaborating to cover Pink Floyd‘s “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” (as well as “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 1)”) for the soundtrack to Robert Rodriguez‘s 1998 science-fiction horror film, The Faculty. That was awesome. And I also read where you said Layne was an “amazingly talented singer who sang like an angry angel.” I hope you will remember him today and help be our (not angry) angel to move forward AIC to the proper recognition they deserve. It would mean– I know– the world to the band and their many fans and show how Tom Morello stands up for the underdog, once again, to right grievous (musical) wrongs.

For my generation,”grunge was more than just music: it was subterfuge, knowledge, philosophy, empathy, wit, courage, love, desire and anger,” said the Guardian story. Grunge is the greatest because it is when mass popular culture transcended humble origins to become something profound, subversive and greater than itself. I know that is something you can relate to. Let’s always celebrate that.

Thank you for any assistance you can provide here for the great AIC.  Rage on!

A BIRTHDAY BRIDE for our CHERISHED CHRIS MARTIN.

Dear Brethren,what can you get for someone who really lacks for nothing worldly-wise, except for a loving consort and virtuous wife? That is something the Vespers evening prayer group discussed at the Canon services this evening. It is a good thing for Chris Martin to become hitched again. The Church does not want Chris Martin to be a lonelyheart nor at the mercy of the manipulative vixens and Hollywood harlots who seek to use him for his money and rock star status.  WE MUST FIND CHRIS A WIFE for his BIRTHDAY! bible-verse-virtuous-woman-crown-to-her-husband-yellow-striped-background-67681796

To that end, we look to the Bible for guidance. In the book of Genesis, God tells us “It is not good for man to be alone.” Proverbs also tells us “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” But more importantly, Matthew 6:33 tells us to “Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Well, this internet church has always sought the Kingdom and are certainly full of righteous people. We must pray for a decent, respectable woman to come forward whom we can then present to Chris as a wifely contender.  Again, the Bible will guide us in this endeavor.  God does not call every man to marriage, but for the many that he does, it is a good thing that they find a godly wife. Outside of salvation in Jesus Christ, a godly wife brings more joy and happiness to a man than anything else on earth. As the Scripture says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

The Sisters in Chris have volunteered to gather up a worthy group of devout Chris(tians) and cull out of the group, the best candidates to capture Chris’s heart and relieve him of his singleton status. We know of Chris’s preferences by noticing which La-La Land charlatans and scandalous Jezebels he seemed fond of. That means a woman who is thin, blond, in her 30’s and pretty is a good start. While plenty of our female congregants fit the bill, we also must look for ladies who can discourse with our Chris on issues such as gluten-free food, fair trade coffee and other environmental issues. There must be a meeting of the minds and good conversation is a great way to move a relationship forward. We will look for an educated perspective bride since Chris did attend college. The Church wishes a bride for Chris from a respectable family with no scandals or family dysfunction. The noviatite, of course, must exhibit familiarity with Coldplay music and the passing of a band lyrical test will be necessary.

If this seems like a tall order for the Church, yes it is. But our ecumenical mission is to elevate our Brit warbler and a happy marriage to a devout Churchly wife will move that reality forward. Time is of the essence as March 2 will be the Jubilee Celebration where we choose our perspective bride to offer Chris.

Come to the Chapel of Chris and all novitiates deemed worthy will be readied in preparation for a Birthday offering. To be considered as our Coldplay crooner’s better half is a honor of the highest order. Pray that the Church might find the right glorious woman to snatch Chris away from singledom, thereby raining hosannas onto our Virtual Church in his name. Amen.