IT IS A GLORIOUS DAY THAT WE ILLUSTRIOUS SOULS HERE AT THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN, CAN FOLLOW THE LEAD OF OUR PIOUS PAPAL PAL, POPE FRANCIS & CANONIZE THE FRUIT OF THE MARTINITE LINEAGE, AS SAINTS IN HIS CHURCH. IF THE SHEPHERD KIDS WHO SAW THE VIRGIN AT FATIMA CAN GET ELEVATED TO SAINTHOOD, THEN THOSE 2 YOUNG MARTINS–APPLE & MOSES– SHOULD ALSO BE HONORED. THEY ARE BLESSED CREATURES AMONG THE WRETCHED CHATTEL OF THIS WORLD PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY SPRANG FROM THE EXALTED, RAPTUROUS LOINS OF OUR GREAT ONE OF COLDPLAY.
MANY UNENLIGHTENED SOULS MIGHT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF A GREAT CHURCH SUCH AS OURS, ELEVATING 2 YOUNG PREPUBESCENTS SUCH AS THIS TO SUCH A HIGH HONOR? THESE UNBELIEVERS & NAY-SAYERS PUT THEIR ETERNAL SOULS AT PERIL TO EVEN HOLD SUCH SCURRILOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT CHURCHLY PROTOCOLS. THE DAY SHALL SOON ARRIVE WHEN MOTHER GWYNETH & FATHER CHRIS RUE THE DAY THEY BROUGHT THEIR TEEN-AGED TERRORS INTO THIS WORLD. APPLE MAY TURN INTO A PETULANT, SULKY BROODING HORROR AND MOSIE WILL SLAM HIS MANSION BEDROOM DOOR SHUT & PLAY VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES NONSTOP. AT SUCH A TIME AS THIS, COLDPLAY CROONER CHRIS CAN CALM HIS PATERNAL AGITATION BY KNOWING THE CHURCH IN HIS NAME HAS CONSECRATED THE 2 PROGENY OF HIS MARITAL DALLIANCES WITH THE GOOP MISTRESS. PERHAPS THIS FACT ALONE WILL MAKE ENDURING THE COMING TEEN-AGED PARENTAL YEARS EASIER TO BARE?
OUR CHAPEL OF CHRIS(TIAN) ADORATION CLOSELY FOLLOWS AND IS INSPIRED BY WHAT THE MARION-WORSHIPERS ARE DOING IN VATICAN CITY. SO IF THE VICAR OF CHRIST IS MAKING SAINTS OUT OF KIDS, THEN SO IS THE NOBLE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN!
LET IT BE WRITTEN; LET IT BE SAID: THE GLORIES OF HEAVEN SHALL SHINE UPON THE GRACIOUS COUNTENANCE OF THE MARTINITE MINIONS AND MAY THEIR TEEN-AGED YEARS BE FREE OF THE SPIRITUAL UPHEAVAL THAT HAS LEFT MANY A MERE MORTAL MOTHER & FATHER AT WIT’S END. WE PRAY THAT THE INNATE GOODNESS OF CHRIS WILL SUPERSEDE THE CALAMITY THAT AWAITS HIM. AND BY THIS WE DO NOT REFER TO THE COLDPLAYING.COM VERMIN AND THREADING MISCREANTS WHOSE STICKY, CLAMMY BASEMENT-DWELLING HANDS DEFILE EVERY GOOD IMPULSE THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN HAPPILY PROCLAIMS.
ALL SHALL NOW HONOR, ALONG WITH LECHEROUS SAINT BONO, CRIMINAL ARCH POPE SAINT DROBBINGDON AND OUR NIRVANA ANGEL IN THE HEAVENLY REALM–SAINT COBAIN, THE 2 MARTINITE SAINTS: APPLE and MOSES. THEY HAVE BEEN FOUND WORTHY OF OUR ADULATION. LET THE OFFICIAL CHURCH RECORD NOW REFLECT THIS. AMEN.
FROM THE U2 SONG “IN GOD’S COUNTRY:”
“She is liberty
And she comes to rescue me
Hope, faith, her vanity
The greatest gift is gold
Sleep comes like a drug
In God’s country
Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God’s country
She stands with a naked flame
I stand with the sons of Cain
Burned by the fire of love.”
WHO ARE THE SONS OF CAIN? AND WHY DOES U2 AND BONO SELF-IDENTIFY AS SONS OF CAIN IN A SONG ABOUT GOD’S COUNTRY? LET THE BIBLE ANSWER THAT QUESTION:
“For this is the message that you heard from the beginning, that we should love one
another. Not as Cain, who was of the wicked one, and slew his brother. And why
did he slay him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother’s righteous.”
(I John 3:11-12)
What is the Church saying here? Perhaps we, along with the rest of the world, have been deceived by the outward sympathetic manifestaion of the Irish lothario? And shame on us if we have foolishly elevated to Saintly status in the Chapel of Chris, a brutish Son of Satan? The True Widow called this one right when she pleaded with The Church that Saint Bono was not be trusted after he came to the aid of the Vicious Vagina, Courtney (Hole) Love. If Saint Bono is found by a Church inquisition to be a serpentine bloodliner, then a Conclave must immediately be called to order and rectification be made to our impertinent and self-inflicted abomination to the good name of Chris Martin & Coldplay!
We ask for an ecumenical understanding to come upon the Cloister of Yellow so that the brethren & sistren may spiritually discern the truth about the Celtic Ale Gobbler, Bono. In this we ask, amen.
Mother Gwyneth: we pray for you.
Many ladies of virtue here at The Church of Chris Martin share your suffering.
It is not easy to go gently into that midlife night. Most especially if you have relied on your looks and attractiveness all these many years.
The monastic order of the Apostolic Novitiates of the Cloister of Chris would like to offer a Prayer Service on your behalf. There, redeemed souls of the highest order would burn the Yellow incense amid the flattering photos of Chris and offer a Canon Mass of Coldplay; whereby the Liturgical Reading of the band’s lyrics would “Fix You” of your menopausal misery and extreme oversharing of such personal information as liking anal sex & putting jade eggs up your hoo-hah.
The Church proper would also like to offer to hold your wedding to boyfriend Brad in our Chapel of Coldplay. That is, if he has managed to slip a ring on it, yet. If so, the graciousness of the Church of Chris Martin will be at your very disposal and we would aim to make the 2nd wedding of Mother Gwyneth an ostentatious event the likes of which have not been seen before.
Mother, there is no shame in reaching out for help, as you are floundering in your mid-life crisis. Many a woman here has traveled down such a road before and came out fine on the other side. Perhaps a spell at the 24-hour Coldplay Chapel, whereby intense playing of the band’s canon of works whilst soaking in the Blessed Holy Water of Chris will stop what ails you.
Know that now the marital chains that bound you to our Beloved warbler have been broken, women of the Coldplay cloth hold no ill will towards you. Let us pray for the soul of our GOOP sister that she may overcome the hormonal agitation she is now experiencing. May it be done.