IT IS A GLORIOUS DAY THAT WE ILLUSTRIOUS SOULS HERE AT THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN, CAN FOLLOW THE LEAD OF OUR PIOUS PAPAL PAL, POPE FRANCIS & CANONIZE THE FRUIT OF THE MARTINITE LINEAGE, AS SAINTS IN HIS CHURCH. IF THE SHEPHERD KIDS WHO SAW THE VIRGIN AT FATIMA CAN GET ELEVATED TO SAINTHOOD, THEN THOSE 2 YOUNG MARTINS–APPLE & MOSES– SHOULD ALSO BE HONORED. THEY ARE BLESSED CREATURES AMONG THE WRETCHED CHATTEL OF THIS WORLD PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY SPRANG FROM THE EXALTED, RAPTUROUS LOINS OF OUR GREAT ONE OF COLDPLAY.
MANY UNENLIGHTENED SOULS MIGHT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF A GREAT CHURCH SUCH AS OURS, ELEVATING 2 YOUNG PREPUBESCENTS SUCH AS THIS TO SUCH A HIGH HONOR? THESE UNBELIEVERS & NAY-SAYERS PUT THEIR ETERNAL SOULS AT PERIL TO EVEN HOLD SUCH SCURRILOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT CHURCHLY PROTOCOLS. THE DAY SHALL SOON ARRIVE WHEN MOTHER GWYNETH & FATHER CHRIS RUE THE DAY THEY BROUGHT THEIR TEEN-AGED TERRORS INTO THIS WORLD. APPLE MAY TURN INTO A PETULANT, SULKY BROODING HORROR AND MOSIE WILL SLAM HIS MANSION BEDROOM DOOR SHUT & PLAY VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES NONSTOP. AT SUCH A TIME AS THIS, COLDPLAY CROONER CHRIS CAN CALM HIS PATERNAL AGITATION BY KNOWING THE CHURCH IN HIS NAME HAS CONSECRATED THE 2 PROGENY OF HIS MARITAL DALLIANCES WITH THE GOOP MISTRESS. PERHAPS THIS FACT ALONE WILL MAKE ENDURING THE COMING TEEN-AGED PARENTAL YEARS EASIER TO BARE?
OUR CHAPEL OF CHRIS(TIAN) ADORATION CLOSELY FOLLOWS AND IS INSPIRED BY WHAT THE MARION-WORSHIPERS ARE DOING IN VATICAN CITY. SO IF THE VICAR OF CHRIST IS MAKING SAINTS OUT OF KIDS, THEN SO IS THE NOBLE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN!
LET IT BE WRITTEN; LET IT BE SAID: THE GLORIES OF HEAVEN SHALL SHINE UPON THE GRACIOUS COUNTENANCE OF THE MARTINITE MINIONS AND MAY THEIR TEEN-AGED YEARS BE FREE OF THE SPIRITUAL UPHEAVAL THAT HAS LEFT MANY A MERE MORTAL MOTHER & FATHER AT WIT’S END. WE PRAY THAT THE INNATE GOODNESS OF CHRIS WILL SUPERSEDE THE CALAMITY THAT AWAITS HIM. AND BY THIS WE DO NOT REFER TO THE COLDPLAYING.COM VERMIN AND THREADING MISCREANTS WHOSE STICKY, CLAMMY BASEMENT-DWELLING HANDS DEFILE EVERY GOOD IMPULSE THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN HAPPILY PROCLAIMS.
ALL SHALL NOW HONOR, ALONG WITH LECHEROUS SAINT BONO, CRIMINAL ARCH POPE SAINT DROBBINGDON AND OUR NIRVANA ANGEL IN THE HEAVENLY REALM–SAINT COBAIN, THE 2 MARTINITE SAINTS: APPLE and MOSES. THEY HAVE BEEN FOUND WORTHY OF OUR ADULATION. LET THE OFFICIAL CHURCH RECORD NOW REFLECT THIS. AMEN.
FROM THE U2 SONG “IN GOD’S COUNTRY:”
WHO ARE THE SONS OF CAIN? AND WHY DOES U2 AND BONO SELF-IDENTIFY AS SONS OF CAIN IN A SONG ABOUT GOD’S COUNTRY? LET THE BIBLE ANSWER THAT QUESTION:
“For this is the message that you heard from the beginning, that we should love one
another. Not as Cain, who was of the wicked one, and slew his brother. And why
did he slay him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother’s righteous.”
(I John 3:11-12)
What is the Church saying here? Perhaps we, along with the rest of the world, have been deceived by the outward sympathetic manifestaion of the Irish lothario? And shame on us if we have foolishly elevated to Saintly status in the Chapel of Chris, a brutish Son of Satan? The True Widow called this one right when she pleaded with The Church that Saint Bono was not be trusted after he came to the aid of the Vicious Vagina, Courtney (Hole) Love. If Saint Bono is found by a Church inquisition to be a serpentine bloodliner, then a Conclave must immediately be called to order and rectification be made to our impertinent and self-inflicted abomination to the good name of Chris Martin & Coldplay!
We ask for an ecumenical understanding to come upon the Cloister of Yellow so that the brethren & sistren may spiritually discern the truth about the Celtic Ale Gobbler, Bono. In this we ask, amen.
MOTHER GWYNETH IS FULL OF IDEAS. SOME ARE EXCELLENT; WHILST OTHERS BRING SHAME UPON THE GOOD NAME OF OUR BLESSED CHAPEL OF CHRIS.I SHAN’T GET INTO THE MERITS OF VAGINAL STEAMING OR THE JOYS OF ANAL SEX HERE BUT I WILL Announce A new MONEY-MAKING OPPORTUNITY FOR OVER-FILLING OUR CHURCH COFFERS WITH FILTHY LUCRE & THAT IS JADE EGGS! THE VIRGIN SISTERS OF COLDPLAY ENLIGHTENMENT HAVE FOUND SOME ROCKS AT THE COLDPLAY CREEK & WILL PAINT THEM A SHINY FOREST GREEN COLOR. WE CAN SELL THESE YONI PEBBLES FOR A PRETTY PENNY–ALL PROCEEDS WHICH ARE TO BE POURED BACK INTO THE GLASTONBURY YELLOW OUTREACH TENT FOUNDATION. SOME OF THE PRETTIER ROCKS, I MEAN, JADE EGGS WILL BE FASHIONED INTO EGG PRAYER NECKLACES, FOR THOSE DEVOUT SOULS UNWILLING TO INSERT THEM INTO THE NETHER REGIONS. PLEASE SUPPORT THIS MOST WORTHY BUSINESS BY BUYING SOME CHURCH EGGS, CRAFTED BY THE DELICATE HANDS OF VIRGINAL NUNS IN SPIRITUAL THRALL TO THE GLORIES OF COLDPLAY. MAY THE BLESSINGS OF COLDPLAY COME UPON YOU & YOURS. AND MAY THE JADE EGGS DELIVER YOU INTO THE ETERNAL RAPTURE. AMEN.
Mother Gwyneth: we pray for you.
Many ladies of virtue here at The Church of Chris Martin share your suffering.
It is not easy to go gently into that midlife night. Most especially if you have relied on your looks and attractiveness all these many years.
The monastic order of the Apostolic Novitiates of the Cloister of Chris would like to offer a Prayer Service on your behalf. There, redeemed souls of the highest order would burn the Yellow incense amid the flattering photos of Chris and offer a Canon Mass of Coldplay; whereby the Liturgical Reading of the band’s lyrics would “Fix You” of your menopausal misery and extreme oversharing of such personal information as liking anal sex & putting jade eggs up your hoo-hah.
The Church proper would also like to offer to hold your wedding to boyfriend Brad in our Chapel of Coldplay. That is, if he has managed to slip a ring on it, yet. If so, the graciousness of the Church of Chris Martin will be at your very disposal and we would aim to make the 2nd wedding of Mother Gwyneth an ostentatious event the likes of which have not been seen before.
Mother, there is no shame in reaching out for help, as you are floundering in your mid-life crisis. Many a woman here has traveled down such a road before and came out fine on the other side. Perhaps a spell at the 24-hour Coldplay Chapel, whereby intense playing of the band’s canon of works whilst soaking in the Blessed Holy Water of Chris will stop what ails you.
Know that now the marital chains that bound you to our Beloved warbler have been broken, women of the Coldplay cloth hold no ill will towards you. Let us pray for the soul of our GOOP sister that she may overcome the hormonal agitation she is now experiencing. May it be done.
This morning at the Chapel of Chris Musical Service, a devout congregant spoke out about a vision she experienced while transfixed by the music of Coldplay.
Sister Beatrice of the order of the Yellow Virgins of Coldplay Adoration insisted that an OCTOPUS appeared in a apparition and spoke words of THANKS to Mother Gwyneth for acknowledging their brains and wanting not to eat them anymore.
“Octopuses are too smart to be food. They have more neurons in their brains than we do. I had to stop eating them because I was so freaked out by it. They can escape from sea world and shit by unscrewing drains and going out to sea,” Mother said. This, perhaps is Mother’s way of drawing attention away from her recent shameful talk about anal sex. The ex-consort of the Beloved Chris Martin realized the wrath of the Church in his name was upon her and used the octopus story to draw attention away from her bathroom talk about things done in the dark. Octopuses the world over surely appreciate Mother coming to her senses and offering to stop eating them. However, the Church is not so forgiving, since that GOOP talk about naughtiness in the back end by Mother still has many virtuous Church members calling for her head or rather, her bottom. Still, the charity pinata bashing of Mother’s rear end held this past week brought in reams of filthy lucre to the Church coffers. These monies will be put to good use by the Charity Foundation that will offer relief to poverty-stricken Coldplay fans looking to afford the outrageous cost of a “Adventures of a Lifetime” concert ticket.” Never put it past the Church of Chris Martin to use filthy talk about anal sex to add to the tithe funds that seek to glorify our Beloved Coldplay crooner and namesake, Chris Martin. May the Hymn of the Weekend reign glory upon you & yours.
Oh my God. I never thought that I would be forced to address such a scandalous topic as this at The Church of Chris Martin. But Mother Gwyneth has been running her mouth again and this time it is to talk about an unmentionable sex practice that she seems to enjoy! It is a shocking moment that our normally gracious former consort to Chris should deign to even mention this and in fact, BRAG about it too.
Several high Church officials almost fainted when they heard what the GOOP-ster said. BrotheRob was incensed that anal sex was even mentioned in the same sentence as our Beloved Martin. This righteous Church official wishes to condemn Mother Gwyneth for her impetuous sex talk and is looking to scourge the Hollywood flake Paltrow in order to teach impressionable Church minions a lesson: that nasty and dirty talk about sex practices will not be tolerated when our Church Mission is to always hold Coldplay and Chris Martin in the highest regard and not tarnish the good Martin name with deviant sex practices.
The True Widow seems to think that Mother Gwyneth is going through a bad mid-life crisis and is trying to impress her producer boyfriend, Brad, with her “free-thinking ways.” The Widow advises to show compassion to suffering Mother, who may be having a bad reaction to menopause. Also, Mother’s acting career continues it’s downward cycle, so she seeks to regain attention by outrageous statements on GOOP that get her press and make her seem “cool.”
Well, I have news for Mother: The Church has commissioned a pinata on Mother Gwyneth. We will be holding a charity pinata bash where donations will be raised by allotting righteously indignant Church patrons to whack Mother in her behind, where she seems to like it so much. Monies raised from the charity scourging will be put towards the Coldplay tour scholarship funds where poverty-stricken fans can appeal for assistance in raising money to buy an outrageously over-priced Coldplay concert ticket. Thus, something good can come out of the BUTT SCANDAL that Mother Gwyneth has foisted on this most Holiest and Devout Chapel of Chris.
Go in the Glory of Coldplay and sin no more. May the Blessings of Chris rain upon you and yours. Amen.