THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN DECLARES APPLE & MOSES MARTIN AS SAINTS!

IT IS A GLORIOUS DAY THAT WE ILLUSTRIOUS SOULS HERE AT THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN, CAN FOLLOW THE LEAD OF OUR PIOUS PAPAL PAL, POPE FRANCIS & CANONIZE THE FRUIT OF THE MARTINITE LINEAGE, AS SAINTS IN HIS CHURCH. IF THE SHEPHERD KIDS WHO SAW THE VIRGIN AT FATIMA CAN GET ELEVATED TO SAINTHOOD, THEN THOSE 2 YOUNG MARTINS–APPLE & MOSES– SHOULD ALSO BE HONORED. THEY ARE BLESSED CREATURES AMONG THE WRETCHED CHATTEL OF THIS WORLD PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY SPRANG FROM THE EXALTED, RAPTUROUS LOINS OF OUR GREAT ONE OF COLDPLAY.

MANY UNENLIGHTENED SOULS MIGHT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF A GREAT CHURCH SUCH AS OURS, ELEVATING 2 YOUNG PREPUBESCENTS SUCH AS THIS TO SUCH A HIGH HONOR? THESE UNBELIEVERS & NAY-SAYERS PUT THEIR ETERNAL SOULS AT PERIL TO EVEN HOLD SUCH SCURRILOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT CHURCHLY PROTOCOLS. THE DAY SHALL SOON ARRIVE WHEN MOTHER GWYNETH & FATHER CHRIS RUE THE DAY THEY BROUGHT THEIR TEEN-AGED TERRORS INTO THIS WORLD. APPLE MAY TURN INTO A PETULANT, SULKY BROODING HORROR AND MOSIE WILL SLAM HIS MANSION BEDROOM DOOR SHUT & PLAY VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES NONSTOP. AT SUCH A TIME AS THIS, COLDPLAY CROONER CHRIS CAN CALM HIS PATERNAL AGITATION BY KNOWING THE CHURCH IN HIS NAME HAS CONSECRATED THE 2 PROGENY OF HIS MARITAL DALLIANCES WITH THE GOOP MISTRESS. PERHAPS THIS FACT ALONE WILL MAKE ENDURING THE COMING TEEN-AGED PARENTAL YEARS EASIER TO BARE?

OUR CHAPEL OF CHRIS(TIAN) ADORATION CLOSELY FOLLOWS AND IS INSPIRED BY WHAT THE MARION-WORSHIPERS ARE DOING IN VATICAN CITY. SO IF THE VICAR OF CHRIST IS MAKING SAINTS OUT OF KIDS, THEN SO IS THE NOBLE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN!
LET IT BE WRITTEN; LET IT BE SAID: THE GLORIES OF HEAVEN SHALL SHINE UPON THE GRACIOUS COUNTENANCE OF THE MARTINITE MINIONS AND MAY THEIR TEEN-AGED YEARS BE FREE OF THE SPIRITUAL UPHEAVAL THAT HAS LEFT MANY A MERE MORTAL MOTHER & FATHER AT WIT’S END. WE PRAY THAT THE INNATE GOODNESS OF CHRIS WILL SUPERSEDE THE CALAMITY THAT AWAITS HIM. AND BY THIS WE DO NOT REFER TO THE COLDPLAYING.COM VERMIN AND THREADING MISCREANTS WHOSE STICKY, CLAMMY BASEMENT-DWELLING HANDS DEFILE EVERY GOOD IMPULSE THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN HAPPILY PROCLAIMS.

ALL SHALL NOW HONOR, ALONG WITH LECHEROUS SAINT BONO, CRIMINAL ARCH POPE SAINT DROBBINGDON AND OUR NIRVANA ANGEL IN THE HEAVENLY REALM–SAINT COBAIN, THE 2 MARTINITE SAINTS: APPLE and MOSES. THEY HAVE BEEN FOUND WORTHY OF OUR ADULATION. LET THE OFFICIAL CHURCH RECORD NOW REFLECT THIS. AMEN.

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