Mother Gwyneth Suffers Mid-Life Crisis; Church of Chris Martin Prays for Her.

Mother Gwyneth: we pray for you.

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Many ladies of virtue here at The Church of Chris Martin share your suffering. 

It is not easy to go gently into that midlife night. Most especially if you have relied on your looks and attractiveness all these many years. 

The monastic order of the Apostolic Novitiates of the Cloister of Chris would like to offer a Prayer Service on your behalf. There, redeemed souls of the highest order would burn the Yellow incense amid the flattering photos of Chris and offer a Canon Mass of Coldplay; whereby the Liturgical Reading of the band’s lyrics would “Fix You” of your menopausal misery and extreme oversharing of such personal information as liking anal sex & putting jade eggs up your hoo-hah. 

The Church proper would also like to offer to hold your wedding to boyfriend Brad in our Chapel of Coldplay. That is, if he has managed to slip a ring on it, yet. If so, the graciousness of the Church of Chris Martin will be at your very disposal and we would aim to make the 2nd wedding of Mother Gwyneth an ostentatious event the likes of which have not been seen before. 

Mother, there is no shame in reaching out for help, as you are floundering in your mid-life crisis. Many a woman here has traveled down such a road before and came out fine on the other side. Perhaps a spell at the 24-hour Coldplay Chapel, whereby intense playing of the band’s canon of works whilst soaking in the Blessed Holy Water of Chris will stop what ails you.

Know that now the marital chains that bound you to our Beloved warbler have been broken, women of the Coldplay cloth hold no ill will towards you. Let us pray for the soul of our GOOP sister that she may overcome the hormonal agitation she is now experiencing. May it be done.

Amen.

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