This morning at the Chapel of Chris Musical Service, a devout congregant spoke out about a vision she experienced while transfixed by the music of Coldplay.
Sister Beatrice of the order of the Yellow Virgins of Coldplay Adoration insisted that an OCTOPUS appeared in a apparition and spoke words of THANKS to Mother Gwyneth for acknowledging their brains and wanting not to eat them anymore.
“Octopuses are too smart to be food. They have more neurons in their brains than we do. I had to stop eating them because I was so freaked out by it. They can escape from sea world and shit by unscrewing drains and going out to sea,” Mother said. This, perhaps is Mother’s way of drawing attention away from her recent shameful talk about anal sex. The ex-consort of the Beloved Chris Martin realized the wrath of the Church in his name was upon her and used the octopus story to draw attention away from her bathroom talk about things done in the dark. Octopuses the world over surely appreciate Mother coming to her senses and offering to stop eating them. However, the Church is not so forgiving, since that GOOP talk about naughtiness in the back end by Mother still has many virtuous Church members calling for her head or rather, her bottom. Still, the charity pinata bashing of Mother’s rear end held this past week brought in reams of filthy lucre to the Church coffers. These monies will be put to good use by the Charity Foundation that will offer relief to poverty-stricken Coldplay fans looking to afford the outrageous cost of a “Adventures of a Lifetime” concert ticket.” Never put it past the Church of Chris Martin to use filthy talk about anal sex to add to the tithe funds that seek to glorify our Beloved Coldplay crooner and namesake, Chris Martin. May the Hymn of the Weekend reign glory upon you & yours.