Oh my God. I never thought that I would be forced to address such a scandalous topic as this at The Church of Chris Martin. But Mother Gwyneth has been running her mouth again and this time it is to talk about an unmentionable sex practice that she seems to enjoy! It is a shocking moment that our normally gracious former consort to Chris should deign to even mention this and in fact, BRAG about it too.
Several high Church officials almost fainted when they heard what the GOOP-ster said. BrotheRob was incensed that anal sex was even mentioned in the same sentence as our Beloved Martin. This righteous Church official wishes to condemn Mother Gwyneth for her impetuous sex talk and is looking to scourge the Hollywood flake Paltrow in order to teach impressionable Church minions a lesson: that nasty and dirty talk about sex practices will not be tolerated when our Church Mission is to always hold Coldplay and Chris Martin in the highest regard and not tarnish the good Martin name with deviant sex practices.
The True Widow seems to think that Mother Gwyneth is going through a bad mid-life crisis and is trying to impress her producer boyfriend, Brad, with her “free-thinking ways.” The Widow advises to show compassion to suffering Mother, who may be having a bad reaction to menopause. Also, Mother’s acting career continues it’s downward cycle, so she seeks to regain attention by outrageous statements on GOOP that get her press and make her seem “cool.”
Well, I have news for Mother: The Church has commissioned a pinata on Mother Gwyneth. We will be holding a charity pinata bash where donations will be raised by allotting righteously indignant Church patrons to whack Mother in her behind, where she seems to like it so much. Monies raised from the charity scourging will be put towards the Coldplay tour scholarship funds where poverty-stricken fans can appeal for assistance in raising money to buy an outrageously over-priced Coldplay concert ticket. Thus, something good can come out of the BUTT SCANDAL that Mother Gwyneth has foisted on this most Holiest and Devout Chapel of Chris.
Go in the Glory of Coldplay and sin no more. May the Blessings of Chris rain upon you and yours. Amen.