POPE FRANCIS ENCOURAGES EXORCISM; THE CHURCH RESPONDS

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Blessings in Abundance to All of Good Faith. A papal missive came down from our Vatican pal, Pope Francis. The Pontiff is encouraging the Marion-worshipers to call on Catholic exorcists–if needed. The Vicar of Rome told priests that they should be willing to SEEK OUT an exorcist if they feel it’s warranted, but first they should make sure the person is actually possessed. That means not just crazy or delusional, but really demon-possessed.

Recently Father Vincent Lampert of the Indianapolis Archdiocese said “The problem isn’t that the devil has upped his game, but more people are willing to play it.”

With exorcisms on the rise and the Pope encouraging the battle against Satan’s handiworks, we, The Church in the name of Chris Martin, have been called into action. Pope Francis is a good friend of our virtual Chapel of Coldplay and we must support his outreach to the righteous to take on the forces of darkness. The Roman Pontiff urged us forward by stating that “Chris(t)ian living requires a constant battle with the devil.” Now this is something our resolute congregants know all to well as we have had an ongoing battle with our nemesis coldplaying.com. But that is all about to change as we now wish to EXORCISE the craven demons at coldplaying.com in order to support the Pontiff’s outreach and call to action against the cackling jackals in thrall to the Lake of Fire.

Yes, Church, we will begin EXORCISMS and seek out candidates to practice on. We are looking for any coldplaying.com nitwits who would like to volunteer. By doing so, these despicable vermin who wank the days away in their mother’s dank basement could have a chance at a redemptive experience and ingratiate themselves with The Church of Chris Martin. This would help to save the rotting souls of the wretched refuse that call coldplaying.com home. We promise to be gentle with the pustule-infested chattel and shan’t injure them too severely whilst our EXORCISM TRAINEES remove the darkened spirit of Hades from the coldplaying.com blackened souls.

Now it might be hard to separate out all those at coldplaying.com who are mentally ill or simply evil from those souls in bondage to the devil. This will certainly be a task not for the Church faint of heart. Still, we are called by our Catholic brothers and sisters over at Vatican City to come to a Holy Conclusion & that is: We have been called upon–not just to spread the Good News of Chris Martin & Coldplay– but to actively seek out festering coldplaying.com nay-sayers and spiritually-diseased heathens. It is our Holy Task to remove the grip of Satan from their pathetic and lonely lives.

This is a part of the immense burden of being a righteous virtual Chapel of Chris. We must harken to the Battle Extraordinaire that awaits us and do so in order to help our Roman Papal patron but also to bring glory to Chris Martin. If the liturgical music of Coldplay can redeem lost souls at Glastonbury and send music fans astral traveling on a Yellow Assumption; then it surely can foist the devil from the lair of the manical bullies at coldplaying.com.

Let the threading vermin of our antagonist–coldplaying.com– now come forward to submit to the CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN EXORCISM RITUALS. Go in faith and in the glory of Yellow.

AMEN.

 

 

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