Blessings in abundance to all: It is a glorious day here at The Church of Chris Martin for a bevy of beauteous noviates have been selected in order to present our Coldplay warbler with an appropriate and companionable consort.
Our task-master in the search for the second Mrs. Martin–a role that only the most worthy of earthly women can aspire to–is Cardinal Father Timothy. This esteemed Man of Chris has worked tirelessly to cull out of the packs of Church ladies who breathlessly came forward to lay claim to the Great One of Coldplay. He has prayed for the success of this blessed endeavor.
As such, we now must choose among the candidates, one who will captivate the Yellow warbler and perhaps end his miserable singleton status. The Church has carefully utilized the criteria of what the Coldplay crooner seems to like: slim, bony, blond and attractive. Additionally, we sought out wifely skills that please Chris: environmentally-aware, fair trade advocates, clean water activists, college-educated and likes children. We now present out illustrious group of devout Chris(t)ianites who have made the final cut. This weekend at the Vespers Service, a vote will be taken by all the brethren and sistren as to who might best get Chris to pop the question. Here are the hopeful finalists who hope to land Mother Gwyneth’s ex. Which righteous and comely Church disciple would best end the lonely status of Chris and make him a virtuous wife? Make your selection and vote for your choice at the Vespers Service or Confessional happening this weekend. Amen. Please note: twin candidates are in the running and so is a candidate who would not allow her photo to be taken.