Scientists and psycho-babble evolutionists tells us that men came from the apes. These theories propose that not all members of a type evolved into another type, but that only a small group of individuals, isolated from the others, evolved, leaving the others behind. In some cases, those left behind fail to thrive and in fact, regress.
So, it is such that The Church of Chris Martin was born of a love for the Word and Song of Coldplay and the adoration of singer Chris Martin. And from that passion, there begot a glorious virtual Chapel in thrall to all that is Chris Martin and Coldplay.
Three men from Scotland ventured forth from the briny depths of despair and headed out on a road trip to seek Coldplay redemption at Glastonbury many years ago. One of these was a miserable, hen-pecked man who came to be known as Father Drobbingdon, Arch Pope of The Church of Chris Martin. He and his friends suffered through the most accursed of foul British weather, tolerated the blandest of English food, set their backpacks down in intolerably dusty roadhouses on their way to Glastonbury. All in the name of seeking that which they had only heard whisperings of: The COLDPLAY redemption. EVOLUTION was about to occur. The Three Wise Men were rewarded for their wretched sufferings whereby at the concert, their souls escaped their bodies and floated in the atmosphere, all whilst the music of Coldplay played. This out-of-body experience was not a lucid dream but an actual redemptive experience that changed forever the lives of the 3 Glastonbury Pilgrims. Father Drobbingdon was so overcome with gratitude for Coldplay’s transforming his live & his spirit, that he vowed to forevermore honor the band and singer Chris Martin. This is the ultimate evolution of a sentient being, overcome in the rapture of glory that is a Coldplay concert experience and a spiritual ascension occurs that allows that person to transpose themselves into a higher evolved state of enlightenment and wisdom.
However, we reside in a wicked and depraved world. And for all the striving forward our Church of Chris has done; there is also a forboding regression tool of doom and that is named coldplaying.com. These miserable and wretched vermin have nipped at the heels of The Church of Chris Martin since the day Father Drobbingdon sat down to start up our Beloved Sanctuary of Coldplay. The basement refuse of coldplaying.com, instead of seeking to evolve by way of the sanctity of Coldplay, prefer to snipe, criticize, bully and terrorize the good people of Chris. coldplaying.com is the anti-Church; it regresses as we evolve. The furtive threaders and mentally-crippled nay-sayers are content to survive in their own dysfunctional world while the Church seeks to use the music of Coldplay to offer salvation to the masses.
This is how bad coldplaying.com is. A new Church Facebook member came to us crying at how coldplaying.com bullied her and caused her to flee to the welcoming arms of our congregation. Another Church official, spying on coldplaying.com, was sent vicious email messages to stop “or else.”
Yes, evolution is a good thing. But regression is what coldplaying.com is doing. The simpletons there would not know a Coldplay excelsis if it hit them in their acne-prone face.
Perhaps after the Chris Martin Birthday Jubilee, some of the brethren might seek to do outreach to the coldplaying.com heathens. Maybe a few of the better threaders might see the light and come out of the coldplaying.com darkness. Or it could just be that as our mighty Church prevails and gets nobler by the day, we would leave the howling jackals behind in their snakepit, to languish forevermore, as we, The Devout of Coldplay unite in YELLOW Paradise. Amen.