Dear Brethren,what can you get for someone who really lacks for nothing worldly-wise, except for a loving consort and virtuous wife? That is something the Vespers evening prayer group discussed at the Canon services this evening. It is a good thing for Chris Martin to become hitched again. The Church does not want Chris Martin to be a lonelyheart nor at the mercy of the manipulative vixens and Hollywood harlots who seek to use him for his money and rock star status. WE MUST FIND CHRIS A WIFE for his BIRTHDAY!
To that end, we look to the Bible for guidance. In the book of Genesis, God tells us “It is not good for man to be alone.” Proverbs also tells us “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” But more importantly, Matthew 6:33 tells us to “Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Well, this internet church has always sought the Kingdom and are certainly full of righteous people. We must pray for a decent, respectable woman to come forward whom we can then present to Chris as a wifely contender. Again, the Bible will guide us in this endeavor. God does not call every man to marriage, but for the many that he does, it is a good thing that they find a godly wife. Outside of salvation in Jesus Christ, a godly wife brings more joy and happiness to a man than anything else on earth. As the Scripture says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”
The Sisters in Chris have volunteered to gather up a worthy group of devout Chris(tians) and cull out of the group, the best candidates to capture Chris’s heart and relieve him of his singleton status. We know of Chris’s preferences by noticing which La-La Land charlatans and scandalous Jezebels he seemed fond of. That means a woman who is thin, blond, in her 30’s and pretty is a good start. While plenty of our female congregants fit the bill, we also must look for ladies who can discourse with our Chris on issues such as gluten-free food, fair trade coffee and other environmental issues. There must be a meeting of the minds and good conversation is a great way to move a relationship forward. We will look for an educated perspective bride since Chris did attend college. The Church wishes a bride for Chris from a respectable family with no scandals or family dysfunction. The noviatite, of course, must exhibit familiarity with Coldplay music and the passing of a band lyrical test will be necessary.
If this seems like a tall order for the Church, yes it is. But our ecumenical mission is to elevate our Brit warbler and a happy marriage to a devout Churchly wife will move that reality forward. Time is of the essence as March 2 will be the Jubilee Celebration where we choose our perspective bride to offer Chris.
Come to the Chapel of Chris and all novitiates deemed worthy will be readied in preparation for a Birthday offering. To be considered as our Coldplay crooner’s better half is a honor of the highest order. Pray that the Church might find the right glorious woman to snatch Chris away from singledom, thereby raining hosannas onto our Virtual Church in his name. Amen.