Mother Gwyneth is many things but I never thought I would hear the GOOP Maven tell pious congregants to be wasteful & BURN THEIR BRAS. The story is:
‘Breaking up with your bra can be the ultimate act of self love. If you respect and cherish your body “as is,” you can cease to wear a bra, since it is designed to change your body. Refusing to wear a bra is another way to say, “I am no longer accepting outdated cultural and societal norms that have been imposed on my body by THE MAN.” Let the world know you love yourself as you are.” Also, our former Church Consort to Chris wants to assure Holy Congregants that she feels our pain and advises to “take a match to that expensive lingerie set your ex-boyfriend gave you last Valentine’s Day.
Our GOOP Gabber warns that “your bras could be carrying the ‘negative energy and memories’ of your failed relationships.” (Perhaps she is referring to her ill-fated union with our Spirit Master, Chris Martin?) Mother wants ladies to BURN that BRA and do it as lingerie infernos are most effectively burned during a full moon–and look at that–one is coming up on February 11, right before Valentine’s Day.
THUS, it is ordained that The Church of Chris Martin will obey the wishes of our former wifely leader and consent to a OFFICIAL CHURCH BRA BURNING to remove “negative energy” from the lingerie closet and promote “female empowerment” & cast off “out-dated societal and cultural norms.”
SEVERAL CHURCH LADIES have volunteered to ignite their finery in honor of Mother Gwyneth. Sister Lilith de Sinenomine will recite the Church teaching: “
Eye of frog, wart of newt, old unmentionables, I dedicate you to Goop!
BROTHEROB has agreed to assist in this most powerful and healing of gestures. Our Canadian alley-stalker declares:
BY THE GRACE OF CHRIS– TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS, I INSIST.
LIGHT THAT FIRE & THROW IN YOUR BRAS. A CONFLAGRATION FOR MOTHER GWYNETH IS ALWAYS A GOOD CAUSE.