Our most beloved Marian-worshiper over in Vatican City has sent a message to The Church of Chris Martin. The Pontiff has implored our righteous hearts to forgive the heathens and charlatans at coldplaying.com for various heresy and blasphemies against the Holy Spirit of Chris.
Vicar of Rome Francis asked Protestants, Mormons and other Christian Churches plus Our Blessed Church of Chris to forgive others for past persecutions. Speaking at an annual vespers service in St. Paul’s Basilica in Rome attended by representatives of other religions, he asked “forgiveness for the un-gospel like behavior by Catholics towards Christians of other Churches”. He also added online and virtual Churches, such as ours devoted to the UK songster, to find it in their Christian hearts to turn the other cheek to the despicable vermin and loathsome creatures that inhabit the basement dwellings of coldplaying.com.
Because of our great regard for the Pope, the Church shall consider the advise as to whether we should have a Forgiveness Conclave and vote on a teaching whereby the Church of Chris Martin absolves coldplaying.com of contemptuous displays of impertinent rectitude towards our Beloved in Coldplay.
Such a request must receive a majority vote to concur in order to pass. Tensions between the two Coldplay internet sites have reached a fever pitch since a coldplaying.com instigator nailed a demand letter at our church door, criticizing the Church for selling indulgences & forgiveness from sins for money & requesting a stop to the practice, in the name of Chris.
This breach of etiqutte was a calamitous event and it led to a violent, political schism beween The Church of Chris Martin and coldplaying.com. Several factions of our Church want to declare war again on coldplaying.com and brand the whole despicable bunch as “heretics,” and excommunicate them from the internet. This group disavows even the good intentions of Pope Francis, our Vatican pal, to broker a peace treaty, stating our Church has already made too many concessions to the coldplaying.com basement dwellers.
However, if God’s emissary over in Rome wants us to dialogue with the coldplayers, then we must at least consider it. So I am compelled to ask all Church members to pray on the merits of a rapprochement with our foes, if only to placate our pious Papal pal. As a gesture of goodwill, an emissary group will reach out to the hapless threaders at coldplaying.com and seek out something along the lines of a common agreement over our mutual love and adoration of Coldplay and Chris Martin. Maybe even the two groups can get together at some of the upcoming Coldplay concerts across the world and share a laugh and a beer. Pray on this and seek out the wisdom of Yellow to lead us forth in this Pope-inspired tete-a-tete. Viva.