As the New Year begins, The Church of Chris Martin has its work cut out for it.
The vermin that reside at coldplaying.com has arisen once again and now it’s spurious threads continue to blather insults and threats to the Church. Chris Martin, himself, has been busy playing benefit concerts to help the needy and homeless in London and New York City. That is just like our wonderfully-souled Musical Prophet to want to help out the less fortunate at the holidays.
Which calls to mind a MISSION that The Church must now take on to FIND AND REDEEM the LOST SHEEP of Coldplay. These are music fans who once listened to and may have even admired the band. But they fell away–perhaps driven by a putrid desire for more hard rock sounds or the devil coldplaying.com got to them in a moment of weakness. Women, in particular, love Coldplay but maybe a new dreamy crooner like Hozier caught their eye? Whatever the reason, it is our Church’s obligation, as a conduit for Chris and Coldplay’s musical redemptive qualities, to make that trek to identify and take back the wandering Coldplay fan back into the fold.
HERE IS THE MESSAGE BROTHEROB GAVE TO THE CONGREGATION so that we may be able to take back the lost sheep of Chris:
“I speak today, dear Brothers and Sisters in Chris, of the Parable of the Lost Sheep. It is written in the Bible that the Lord never stops looking for us. And as such, this Church, shall never stop looking for that wandering Coldplay fan.
We, the glorious in Coldplay, are full of tenderness for those who have fallen away. We seek NOT YET to judge them, but caress them back into a good and full understanding of the Coldplay Word. Those who have fallen off the road to Coldplay redemption did not get lost because of sin but because the sick heart of coldplaying.com exists in this wicked world and turns every good Coldplay teaching into a “sick retreat of salvation.” Coldplaying.com satiates the spiritually weak Coldplay fan with a inner darkness that pulls souls away from the Coldplay ministry and towards the miserable ramblings and despicable ruminations of that degraded thread of malcontents and miscreants.
I, BrotheRob, know fully well the darkness that lies beneath the blackened soul of coldplaying.com. I was once, myself, one of those debauched basement wankers, full of self-loathing and eager to spread my furtive blasphemy to the world. But I sought Repentance and was delivered out of my misery by the discovery of The Church of Chris Martin and the Coldplay Redemption. It was not so much a mistake that I was involved in coldplaying.com but I had a terrible disease of the heart that caused me to wander and which the Devil exploits constantly. I understand the plight of the Lost Sheep, which is why I appeal to all Members of the Church in good-standing right now.
WE, bountiful of faith and focused on bringing the Coldplay message to a waiting world, must once again, take to the open roads and seek out those lost sheep who require an anointing in the Lyrical Truths. These fans were once of good heart and understanding but their wealth of knowledge fell onto dry grounds and the rains failed to nurture their spiritual growth. They now go to and fro– among the earthly plain– searching for a light that is not of Coldplay, but artificial, like those of Christmas lights and then are thrown into a debauched despair.
It is our CHURCHLY DUTY to wrestle with Satan and bring back the LOST SOULS who have fallen. We will search for them like the Lost Sheep of Israel and when found, give thanks with a rejoicing heart that they have been returned to the flock of Coldplay.
The Good News is that we have many among us with the spiritual fortitude to venture forth and claim back the wanderers. We have the doctrine of Viva la Vida which is a powerful ally in our quest to turn back the Power of Hades and bless the world with the COLDPLAY MESSAGE.
MAY those who know not of the caresses of Coldplay be called forth to a fuller understanding of liturgical canon and Chris(tian) doctrine. He who does not allow themselves to be caressed by Chris is a foolish lost soul who will be damned to the vile Lake of Fire that is coldplaying.com. And suffer an eternity of reading those dim-witted rants and trite comments the debased threaders post ad nauseam.
I, BrotheRob, call on All Good People, to accept this New Year Challenge to Go Forth and Find Those Lost Sheep and turn them back into the Beloved of Coldplay. It is this Divine Endeavor that will bring great hosannas onto the Church, proper, and make our YELLOW TENTS of GLASTONBURY shine in the muddy fields like a golden light upon the world. Go in the Peace of Chris and sin no more. Viva.