In this, the Blessed Chris(mas) Season, it falls upon the Holy Brethren to call forth an Annual Inspection of the Church Lyrical Assistants. And Praises to Heaven, this year we will also be inspecting all those who pass muster as, POTENTIAL WIVES FOR CHRIS! Yes, it is true. Our beloved Coldplay warbler wants a helpmate and none of those herpes-infested Charlatans and anorexic Jezebels in La-La Land will give Chris a chance to march down the aisle!
Imagine that: Empty-headed actresses and models–so self-absorbed and spiritually condemned, that they can’t see the Great News that stands before them. I shudder to think at how there must be nothing between those diamond encrusted ear cuffs, that a mighty man such as Chris finds cause to cry out in utter loneliness. Think how sad that most be: to be so utterly devoid of enlightenment and so into selfies, laser treatments and dropping naked pis to your Cloud that you cannot comprehend the Musical Beneficence in your midst. I say this not to chastise these Hollywood Vixens, who don’t know any better, but to acknowledge an opportunity for our nubile Church ladies to SEIZE THE MOMENT and ecumenically & spiritually bewitch our Chris into (holy) MATRIMONY! Imagine “studying Coldplay lyrics” with the VERY ONE who wrote those “Coldplay lyrics.”
Yes Church, we live in a fallen world. It is depraved, no doubt, most especially by the likes of coldplaying.com, who still resist every civilized entreaty to come to a detente in honor of Chris. The debased among us, include the Bathsheba’s of La-La Land, who have furtively used every last oozing enhanced bosom and Pilates-enhanced leg to entice our Spiritual Warrior, Chris, and he is a man, no less. That (fake) cleavage, flaxen (dyed) hair and silky (pulsed) skin amid the licentiousness of Hollywood, is the handiwork of Satan. The Wicked One uses these immoral women with no souls, to attract and then repel our Coldplay crooner, leaving him emotionally confused and vulnerable to the wiles of the Devil. Is it any wonder that Chris cries out in angst to the world for a wife to shield him from the misery and ignominy that follows him like a moth to the flame?
It is incumbent on us, His Church, to organize an INSPECTION OF LYRICAL ASSISTANTS, whereby the Devout of Coldplay can put forth a carefully cultivated group of women who may well be of wifely quality and conscript them to go forward to alleviate the wretched singleton condition of our Coldplay Master. May every fecund lady present herself at the (CHRIS)MAS gathering for an Inspection which will determine whether she is acceptable or not to be admitted to the CHURCH LIST OF POTENTIAL WIVES. That means in addition to the Ursuline Order of Glastonbury Pilgrims, the Sisters of the Incarnate (Coldplay) Word, Sisters of Divine (Yellow) Providence, the Blessed Virgins of the Coldplay Clositer, Sisters of the Holy (Coldplay) Cross, the Sisters of Mercy, the Dominican Sisters, and lastly, Sisters of the Holy Ghost and Mary Immaculate Conception MUST APPEAR to be reviewed for a suitability to please Chris.We are specifically seeking attractive women of average height and weight; preferably with blond hair although light brown is acceptable. The ideal candidate must be pretty, healthy, physically active and able to pass a Coldplay lyrical test. Special points will be added if novitiates volunteered as Glastonbury Aides in the Yellow Tents or as Musical Pilgrims who sought to convert the unwashed musical fans into Coldplay supporters. Having experienced a Coldplay Redemption will insure you a spot. Also, a cooking test will need to be passed, and familiarity with healthy vegetarian and gluten-free cooking is required. A love of children and family would be a suitable asset as Chris will most likely want additional rug rats.
Any prospective bride who is being tried and found worthy of admission to this specific religious order of SISTERS OF SUITABILITY must lastly, defer to the testing of all diseases. including sexually communicable, which shall be no reflection on them, personally, but only a medical test that shall be the final clearance in order to be included in such a GLORIOUS GROUP of PROSPECTIVE BRIDES. May the heavens shine down upon us as we of the Church of Chris seek to obliterate his suffering and present him a suitable array of brides in which to chose an ecumenical consort and cherished partner for Our Most Beloved in Chris. Amen.