As we inch closer to Chris(mas,) it pains me to say that our Beloved Church icon, Chris Martin, is in emotional distress, as he cries out to the world that “no one wants to marry me.” With Mother Gwyneth flaunting a new ring on THAT finger from her boyfriend, Jennifer Lawrence getting hot’n’heavy with her latest movie director & Annabelle Wallis rumored to have shucked Chris for even richer Tom Cruise, her “The Mummy” movie costar, the poor man has reason to question his desirability. However, as many devout womenfolk of the Church can attest, there are bounteous, lovely ladies lined up here at the Chapel of Coldplay, ready and willing to marry Mr. Martin any time.
In fact, I recall that when news broke that Chris Martin had finally been unhinged from his ball-and-chain, Mother Gwyneth, and a divorce was imminent, The Church erupted in massive displays of happiness and glee. Our Great One was soon to be free of the scourge of the GOOP maven and our women–young and old–rejoiced!
Now to hear that Chris is sad and lonely breaks the hearts of females here who would make perfectly appropriate companions and muses for the Coldplay warbler. But first Chris must give up his obsession with only dating and getting jiggy with bony Hollywood blonds. If the past is any indication, Mother Gwyneth, Hollywood hussy Kate Bosworth, Hollywood Harlot Kate Hudson, silly & immature Jennifer Lawrence and gold digger Annabelle Wallis–all have one thing in common: they are anorexic actresses who need to eat a hamburger and ditch the hair dye. Here is the cold honest truth for Chris to consider: If you want something different, you have to do something different today to create a different life tomorrow. ..
Perhaps Our sensitive divorcee should BRANCH out and date regular-sized ladies with dark hair or croon a love song to a comely Asian or Hispanic babe? Why does the music maven keep going after the same kind of woman and always end up with a bad experience to show for it?
Jennifer Lawrence is a talented actress but that fling was a disaster. They has stars in their eyes for each other but it was not to be. Jen did not like all the attention she got from dating Chris. Soon they were kaput. I shan’t say that many of the novitiates here at The Church were too upset about this one. However, Chris rebounded into the arms of the very pretty fellow Brit Annabelle Wallis. Things seemed to be going swimmingly, until Annabelle used her new, higher profile & connections– thanks to dating Chris– to score a big role in the new Tom Cruise remake of The Mummy movie. Soon the gossip started that Tom Cruise was hot for Annabelle and Chris was left by the roadside once again. This bad luck with romance is sad to see because we all know that Chris Martin is the ultimate catch. What are these whack-a-doodle women in La-La Land thinking when they don’t try harder to make things work with such a great guy?
Here is what this poor man said about his forlorn love life to the UK Daily Mail and it is heart-breaking: “He finalized his divorce from Gwyneth Paltrow in July this year after 10 years of marriage. And Coldplay front-man Chris Martin, 39, has provided a rare update on his love life by joking that his chances of finding another wife are slim.”
Speaking to KIIS FM‘s Sophie Monk and Matty Acton on Thursday, the British crooner joked: ‘No one wants to marry me.’ ‘I’m just not really nice. I fooled one person once,’ he went on. It makes every lithesome lovely who pines for Chris here at the Yellow Chapel feel utter pain to endure the lamentations of the “Fix You” master and his unlucky love life. But we here have come up with a solution. “PAPAL PURPLE,” which is a:shower of citrus framed by powdery frankincense, masculine woodsmoke, and dry vanilla layered upon a sexy musk. It is guaranteed to drive women wild because hidden in the fragrance mix is an exclusive pheromone blend. It is derived from the gonads of male moose and guaranteed to attract hot chicks.Though there
is an adage that “nice guys finish last,” here at The Church of Chris Martin, our nice guy will come in first. And to make that happen, the Church dipped into its tithing reserves to help make 2017 into a powerhouse of love for Chris.
This is our Chris(mas) gift to Chris: a case of “PAPAL PURPLE” to entice a new love interest. This will help Chris so he can brag and show off like his ex-wife, Mother Gwyneth, when she flaunts her producer boyfriend. Chris will have a big smile on his face and a twinkle in his cornflower blue eyes even though weird -o Jennifer Lawrence is canoodling with her nerdy-looking movie director and Annabelle Wallis runs off with Scientology nut Tom Cruise. There is a world full of women for Chris out there; some of whom are members of this VERY CHURCH and who would make excellent consorts for him. But putting on some “PAPAL PURPLE” is a good first start to get your foot in any door. Chris is crying out for help and the mission of this Church in his name should be to make it happen so that Chris can find a good woman and get himself hitched again. May the angel of LOVE alight on our singleton Chris and bring him a new wife. Preferably, from THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN. Amen.