Blessed of Chris:
Yes, it is that time of year when the devout of Coldplay gather to celebrate yet another year of glorious memories of Chris Martin, which our eponymous Church in his honor call CHRISMASS.
And 2016 does not disappoint us here, when all the Coldplay and Chris Martin action is analyzed, dissected and studied. Our Scholars of Coldplay have slaved away in the Musical Library to prepare a year-end extravaganza of a Mass of Chris. Pious pillars of Martinite adoration will come to light the Yellow candles & pay homage to the Great One. Our Glastonbury Outreach tents, where so many decrepit souls have been redeemed in Coldplay, will welcome one and all with our most comely lyrical study nuns, who will sing and perform (clothed) interpretative dances to Coldplay songs. Sip the Holy Water and Holy Wine of Chris, peruse the Art Gallery of flattering photos of Chris and admire the art works (one of which, by Princess Coldplay, comes from the wankers at coldplaying.com) capture the essence of Chris in all his grandeur.
Young and old alike are welcome to attend the Chrismass. In fact, indoctrinating the youth in the magical music of our blue-eyed balladeer is such a worthwhile pursuit. The little Chrisites love to light the Yellow candles. Tithing will be mandatory so the Church can raise funds to further advances in the Study of Chris and prepare to send some worthy members to Coldplay concerts, who could not otherwise afford it, in 2017. So when the plate is passed, please be generous and remember how our Dear Brit Warbler is a worthy subject of scholarship monies to be doled out so the unfortunate among us can revel in the glory of Chris.
Come celebrate the end of the year with the Church. The Virgins Sisters of the Chris-tian Noviates will accept indulgence remittances and hear confessions from all Martinites, excepting those of the coldplaying persuasion. If you have taken the name of Chris Martin or Coldplay in vain this past year, it is vitally important you plead for forgiveness. If you suffered from impure thoughts of a sinful nature in regard to Chris Martin or perhaps felt jealously or condemnation towards Mother Gwyneth, it is imperative you come forward and seek a clean and pure heart. Perhaps you were once a defiled member of coldplaying.com and now wish to join a group that does not consist of basement masturbaters & 35-year old virgins. We welcome you here, once you denounce all of your past iniquities and swear out a solemn oath of loyalty to our Church of Chris.
We look forward to seeing you soon at Chrismass. May the exalted spirit of Chris come upon you and yours. And may the sacred message of Coldplay music redeem your soul so that you, too, may escape the devil’s lair and the precipice of eternal damnation that mere mortals and those of the coldplaying ilk are wont to suffer. Viva.