It is with a heavy heart that I alert parishioners at the House of Chris that we have indeed, been set upon by a evil-doer, a desperately wicked, depraved soul who lit a torch to destroy many of the must sacred and beloved gardens and shrines in which we worship our Musical Master.
The Meditation Garden and Relic of Saints Chapel was damaged, perhaps beyond repair. I was told by the Virgin Sisters of Faith, who were conducting a Coldplay lyrical study group amid the Yellow Tents, that a hysterical man ran from the flames, shouting “Coldplay concert tickets are too expensive!” He seemed not of right mind and ran towards the nearby rehab facility where so many of our congregation have once been treated at.
Our once heavenly oasis of all that is good and pure in Coldplay has been tarnished. The lovely Garden Gate of Chris is now burnt and smoldering medal. Where once butterflies flittered and hummingbirds drank from the nectar of Coldplay, there is little more then charred grounds.
The Mighty Spiritual Leaders of The Church of Chris Martin have called this fire a brazen spiritual attack at the hands of a disgruntled fan who cannot afford to attend the band’s shows and took it out on the Church in his name. Vicar and Holy Deacon Brother Rob put forth this statement:
“In the early morning hours of November 9, I am afraid the greatest of all musical Churches was a victim of a malicious crime. I dare not refer to the perpetrator as an individual but a coward that one would think to fire-bomb sacred grounds such as a house of Chris Martin worship.” The True Widow was besides herself in grief as she noted that “It’s disturbing to even think there are people living within our communities with such malice in their hearts.”
Sister Lilith, she of the gutter who found sanctification on our Church grounds blamed Saint Bono and U2 for being behind this vicious attack as a payback for when Lilith put Bono’s back out with some “pre-tour training” before the big 360 Tour. “Today, I stand with The Blessed Church of Chris Martin and all its congregants in not only CALLING OUT but CONDEMNING such HATEFUL and SENSELESS attacks against houses of worship.”
“The recent fire-bombing of our Church is deplorable and inexcusable. Houses of worship are important parts of our community and these unconscionable attacks are a threat to the rights of all who seek redemption in Chris and Coldplay. It is outrageous that anyone should seek to defile the grounds of adoration with the fires of Satan’s handiwork.” Such is the severity of the conflagration that the Ghost of Father Drobbingdon came upon those who were deep into Coldplay meditation & imprinted a message upon the fragile minds of those who sought wise counsel from the lyrical study of the Coldplay library.
These are the sancrosanct words of wisdom from our esteemed figurehead Drobbingdon:
“I am horrified that our Church was fire-bombed and suffered damage during the alleged hate crime, which is the work of the devil and quite possibly coldplaying.com. Our Church of Chris is a pillar of the community – homes of holy prayers, places of peaceful respite, and centers of goodwill. It is disgusting that any individual or individuals would deem it acceptable to cause harm to this Coldplay house of worship.”
Dearest of Brethren & Sistren: do not be dismayed. The acts of this firebug instigator shall only serve to unite us further in admiration for our Brit warbler. The flames that struck and destroyed can never sever our love for the Great One of Coldplay. All the fires of Hell can never tear these believers away from the Promise of Yellow. As the lyrics to the song “Ink” say:
“All I know, all I know
Is that I’m lost in your fire below”
May the wisdom and charity of Coldplay overcome you with an ecumenical sanctity. Amen.