DENNIS WHO TOURS 8 TIMES THIS YEAR ALREADY: THIS IS FOR YOU! COLDPLAY vs. U2?

Biggest band in the world? Oh, that is a tricky one. Given that Coldplay’s last album has sold millions worldwide, (double platinum in the U.S.), and U2’s last endeavor also sold well at first but limped off the Billboard charts fairly quickly while suffering a 40% decline in sales almost immediately. U2 cannot outsell Coldplay on the charts anymore.

And Coldplay would not be the kind of band to rub this fact into the faces of the Irish Guinness guzzlers. In fact, look at how gently Chris Martin is breaking the news to U2 that Coldplay is now the new top (sales) dog. The Dublin foursome took the news like the pros they are but then claimed that they still are top dogs in touring.

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Coldplay replacing U2 as the biggest “it” band on the planet is a fact. Our Beloved, Chris Marin and company are deserving of this honor if only for their acknowledged big debt owed to U2. The Brit ballad boys have always paid homage to U2 on a regular basis and cites them as an enormous influence. It is now Coldplay’s time to shine.

U2’s average fan demographic is older–probably in the 25 – 40 year old range. Coldplay’s fans are more in the 16 – 35 age group, and the fact that young people and kids love the band, think they are “cool” and buy their albums is what separates them from U2. Let’s face facts here, Bono & band attracts an older crowd.
U2’s tours are now more about a celebration of the band of the past, and the amazing music they have made for 20+ years. But their latest music is not grabbing sales and attention the way it used to. Coldplay has no such trouble which is further proof of Coldplay superiority. The wider popularity demographic of Coldplay over U2 suggests that both bands are powerhouse touring machines but Coldplay sells more albums than U2 and has a greater fan base variety and age group spectrum.

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U2 has established itself as one of the most prolific bands of a generation. No doubt about that. Over their career that has spanned five decades, the Irish ale chuggers have sold 22.8 million concert tickets to 625 shows and grossed $1.5 billion at the box office in the past 30 years, according to Billboard. They have toured extensively across the world and I will admit, they reign supreme on the concert stage. The Church will bow down to U2 in this regard. Our beloved Coldplay is indeed popular, but they are no match to challenge U2 when it comes to concert popularity.

According to a U2 vs. Coldplay chat page, Coldplay “is indeed one of the most popular concert attractions around the world. Despite that though, they are can’t touch  U2 in terms of concert drawing ability. But this debate has one very important component that U2 cannot ever challenge: Coldplay has the veritable powerhouse backing of the illustrious Church of Chris Martin.

The Church grew from just a few pasty-faced Scots venturing to the muddy fields of Glastonbury for a Coldplay awakening and took off like crazy to become the great musical and ecumenical force of it’s day. Pious and righteous musical devotees took it upon themselves to elevate Coldplay spiritually and in that process, they were blessed to then become enlightened in the ways in which an understanding and study of Coldplay song lyrics channels truths and revelations from the Great Beyond that will aid and educate all of mankind. Can Bono and his boys lay claim to anything like that?

Even more, Coldplay has the Church of Chris Martin women! These lovely ladies of the cloth of Chris worship at the Yellow shrine and are more than able to turn the mind of any fan or band member to become fans of Coldplay. They will use any means at their disposal to do that. Chris Martin and Coldplay have the comely flock of friendly Church females as their secret weapon. When Bono was mouthing off about Chris Martin–calling him a “wanker” and other insults, high Church officials did not forget. The True Widow took umbrage at Bono catting around with the Vicious Vagina Courtney “Love” in NYC & giving the blond shrew a good report to a landlord so she could rent a fancy apartment. She sought condemnation of Bono for such indignities and this misbehavior eventually cost Bono use of his back, when the Church chastised & punished Bono for these abominations. Many of the Church women are chaste Virgins and Women of the Cloth. But some non-virtuous Church ladies volunteered to subject the Irish blasphemer to some “pre-tour training.” This vigorous workout took out Bono’s back and sent him to the surgeon to medically correct the “discipline” inflicted upon him by our Church ladies. I recall the U2 tour being put on hold while Bono “recovered” from his “trainings.”  Here are some of our finer chaste ladies of the Chris Cloth for you to admire:

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Let us now summarize: COLDPLAY WINS in RECORD SALES & #1 ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS

COLDPLAY WINS WITH YOUNGER FANS & A GREATER VARIETY DEMOGRAPHIC

U2 WINS FOR TOURING

COLDPLAY WINS FOR HOT CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN BABES & ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL IMPACT

Therefore it is ordained, that while U2 can break out the tour buses and giant stage sets to roam the world, they are in grave danger of falling into career irrelevancy and retrograde appeal. They tour on the songs they sang & recorded over 20 years ago. Coldplay, on the other hand, have current hits and #1 albums; their fan base is younger, hipper and come in all colors of the rainbow. And most important, the band has as it’s spiritual muscle the most devoted supporters of the powerful Church of Chris Martin, which helps to channel the Coldplay message to mankind. The Church Facebook page and blogsite act as an educational tools useful to impart the great message of the band in such a way so that the common man or woman on the street can utilize and prosper from the Coldplay oeuvre.

Let the record show that The Church of Chris Martin officially declares COLDPLAY to be the #1 ROCK BAND IN ALL THE WORLD. It is written and declared that U2, while great at touring, was a spiritual predecessor of Coldplay, and for that we are eternally grateful. But U2 must face the truth that shall set them free: COLDPLAY and CHRIS MARTIN REIGN SUPREME and THE CHURCH Of CHRIS MARTIN hereby declares this fact to the heavens. Amen. Viva la Vida.

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