PROCESSIONAL HYMN FOR REPENTANCE :
THE CHURCH THUS TEACHES:
The Church has the power to forgive all sins. This forgiveness of sins is a true sacrament instituted by our devout & pious adoration of the most holy of rock stars: Coldplay’s Chris Martin.
Sins can be forgiven–even those of beloved Martin’s wifely consort, Mother Gwyneth– only by the sacrament of penance. Sins can also be forgiven by absolution which can only be given by an authorized Deacon or by a series of indulgences paid with a sincere heart. The Church has the power to reserve certain cases for additional punishments, if deemed scurilous or an affront to the sanctity of Coldplay.
On the part of the sinner contrition, confession and satisfaction are required. Contrition is aversion to the sins committed. Perfect contrition remits sin even before confession if it is joined with the intention to confess. Imperfect contrition (attrition) is sufficient if there is confession, and is a good and salutary thing.
Confession must cover all mortal sins committed since baptism and not previously confessed. Venial sins, and sins already confessed can validly be confessed. The effect of the sacrament is recon- cilliation with The Church of Chris Martin and the remission of sins and eternal punishment.
As to Penance, if the Church of Chris Martin is to fulfill its divine task of saving mankind through the music of Coldplay, Mother Gwyneth will need to indeed cry out for mercy! She has been found guilty of the the breaking of her marital vows with our Great One by cuckolding Chris Martin. Stories abound that Mother Gwyneth has spend time asunder with several different men who are not her husband. She has breached the good will of The Church of Chris Martin by adulterous behavior. In order to forgive sins, Mother Gwyneth must submit herself to the punishment due to them who are remitted that they turn away from sin and turn in faith to a new path of righteousness.
Penance is something that stops the sin; yet a person who sins again, sins against The Church in whom the name of Chris Martin is sanctified. This continuing betrayal assumes the need for a ecumenical trial, with accusation, sentence and satisfaction. This is the curse upon which the continued Jezebel behavior of Mother Gwyneth will find herself: flagged a chronic and unrepentant adulteress who shall be condemned as a vile sexual deviant whose very conduct defiles the Church and brings shame upon the dignity and sacredness of the Chris Martin.
Hail, Oh Those Who Rejoice in Coldplay:
Guide of the wanderer and Singer of Truth.
Thrown on life’s surge, we claim thy care of our Brit warbler.
Save us from peril and from woe;
Save us from those who would bespeak ill of their marital vows.
May the Penance and Goodness of Chris cast mercy upon our salacious Mother
O gentle, chaste and spotless maiden Virgins in Chris:
We beseech you who in abstinence live:
Remind thy Mother Gwyneth of her duty to forsake all other men.
The price of her iniquity will be perpetual banishment from The Church of Chris Martin.
This shall be the ultimate penalty for her licentious betrayal of our Great One.
May the Goodness of Chris abound in you all who in good faith love Coldplay.