THE BLESSINGS of the BABIES by The Church of Chris Martin

Ed-bless-baby

Spring will soon be upon us here at the Glorious Gates of Chris! You exalted ones know what that means!

THE BLESSINGS of the BABIES!

We pious congregants here at the Church are chaste and devout but we are a fertile lot. That means 9 months later, many who “study Coldplay lyrics” with “great passion” sometimes will have a surprise that awaits them and a bun in the oven. In blessed tidings of the Coldplay warbler, those with adoration of Coldplay use their good spiritual judgement to name their progeny after the Great One of Coldplay. Hence, at the Blessings of the Babies, the Holy Elders and Deacons are delighted to bless with holy water many squalling charges named Chris Martin or Christina Martin. The hearts and souls of all in faithful thrall to Chris thrill to make their annual pilgrimage with children to the Garden Chapel of Devotion to ask for a Blessing in Chris.

The anointing of babies with the gentle playing of Coldplay music and the quoting of beautiful band song lyrics unites little ones with their families in a heartfelt marriage of piety and precious ceremony. Here is the liturgical teaching that Father Drobbingdon used while instructing the Church in the Blessings of the Babies: “Every member of the Church of Chris in good standing and having children is decreed to bring them unto the elders before the church, who are to lay their hands upon them in the name of divine Coldplay, and bless them in the name of Chris.”

Here is the proclamation that writes the name of the babies in the Book of (Coldplay) Life:

“May there always be work for your hands to do, May your purse always hold a coin or two. May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane, May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you, And may God fill your heart with Coldplay love so true. The Little Babies born in conscription to the Blessed One’s name–May they flourish and grow to tell the world of the mercies of Coldplay all the same.”

The Holy Elders and Deacon then dip the babies in the Holy Coldplay Vestibule waters that has been immersed in the playing of Coldplay music for 24 hours at a time. As Holy Elders wear their Yellow priestly garments and burn the Violet (Hill) incense in celebration, precious babies are indoctrinated into The Church of Chris Martin and inherit the mantle of greatness that shall never forsake them. The Blessings of the Babies is a free event; shall a follower wish to baptize their baby in the name of Chris, a payment of a large indulgence is necessary to secure the time of a humble Holy Elder.
Amen.
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