THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN is pleased to announce that we have forwarded an official nomination of SAINT BONO to our Catholic friends over in Vatican City. Now that Pope Benedict is resigning the papacy for “the good of the church,” we devout followers of Chris wish to elevate and anoint Bono out of U2 into this most powerful of spiritual dominions.
Bono–out of U2–has already been called a “Saint” for his long-running campaign against global poverty. Bono has previously been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize and granted an honorary knighthood by the Queen in recognition of his charity work and activism.
The U2 frontman regularly meets political leaders to lobby on behalf of developing nations. Even though he has battled The Church of Chris Martin over who is the biggest band in the world: U2 or Coldplay, we have since dropped any anger towards the Irish crooner for calling into question Chris Martin’s greatness. Holy Church Elders have even issued an ECUMENICAL APOLOGY to the Guinness-guzzling Irish Catholic for sending him a devout Church “lyrical study aide” who got a little “too rough” with Bono while “preparing” the U2 great with some “pre-tour training” before the start of the 360 Tour.
As bygones will be bygones, the tax-dodging Irishman accepted the contrite apology The Church of Chris Martin issued.
Now we would like to present out CANON of PLEA to the MOST HOLY SEE of the MARION-WORSHIPERS in SUPPORT of the CANDIDACY of SAINT BONO for the POSITION of NEW POPE of VATICAN CITY. (You see, the Church hopes by keeping Bono too busy as Pope to write songs and tour the world with U2, the adored Coldplay will automatically assume the mantle of THE BIGGEST BAND in the WORLD!) Forthwith is The Church’s OFFICIAL DECLARATION on BEHALF of the MERITS of SAINT BONO for CANONIZATION into the POPEHOOD of the CATHOLICS:
“Let us pray. Dearest Assistants in the Heavenly Realm: you who thou art not contained by heaven and earth, we appeal for your blessed aide on behalf of the candidacy of Bono–out of U2–for Pope. Thy name of our most Holy One: Chris Martin–would make an excellent Pope. However, he is not Catholic, so the Great Ones who Honor Coldplay hereby nominate SAINT BONO for the pious honor. We beseech, through the interceding spirit of Blessed Saint Cobain, and of all the other Saints, may you make way for the canonization of Bono as Holy See. Purify his every defilement through the infusion of grace, and having so purified it, preserve it; and deign Bono to perfect what The Church desires in this work. Let every spiritual wickedness flee from this place and may the Grace of Chris bless Bono with a new job in Rome whereby his U2 band takes a good, long hiatus. In default, the GREATEST BAND in the WORLD DESIGNATION then falls upon the GLORY of COLDPLAY!
THE HOLY ELDERS HEREBY officially PROCLAIM THE NOMINATION of SAINT BONO–OUT of U2– AS POPE OF THE CATHOLICS!
It is done. Amen.