THIS WEEKEND: THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN “ENDOWMENT” CEREMONY! DON’T MISS IT!

shrine_blessed_sacrament

It’s not just the MORMONS out of Salt Lake City that can unite their followers in the afterlife!

The Church of Chris Martin can do it too! We look forward to spending eternity in a heavenly repose of love for Coldplay & Chris Martin, but first you must commit to an ENDOWMENT CEREMONY and TITHE 25% to the CHURCH FUND.

This weekend, your soul will rise in mutual adoration of the BRIT WARBLER as those also in perpetual admiration share in this consecrated love.

The endowment is a CHURCH RITUAL CEREMONY that will prepare exalted Church members to become kings, queens, priests, and priestesses in Chris. As part of the ceremony, participants must pass a Coldplay lyrical study exam on first try. The ceremony includes a washing and anointing, and receipt of a “new name in Chris” which is secret and only to be used at the Pearly Gates to enter into the consecrated eternity of Chris. As proof of this cleansing, only pure white Martin garments may be worn under clothing day and night, as proof of the covenant of conscription to Chris.

Also, as part of ritualistic practice of the “Endowment,” promises are made as proof of extreme loyalty to the music of Coldplay and a otherworldly devotion to glorify Chris. All Church members who choose to serve as missionaries for The Church of Chris Martin must sign a celestial marriage contract which unites you with the band. Missionaries must first complete the endowment ceremony, tithe 25% of their income and pass a standard STD test to be deemed worthy to serve. Upon that, they are fit to roam the world and declare the glory of Chris to a brutish, undeserving world.

This ordinance ceremony can only be performed in Chris Martin Chapels, Temples, Holy Gardens and special places dedicated specifically to the music of Coldplay. Rituals sacred to our Virtual Church are closed to all but the finest specimens of Chris-tians who are of pure and unblemished character. Though certain sects that have broken away from The Church of Chris Martin proper decry our “Endowment” practices, most denominations of Coldplay adoration and a few others cherish this most fundamental way of uniting ourselves eternally with our Coldplay Master. We have removed some of the more controversial elements such as sacrificial fasting and nudity worship but otherwise wish to proclaim that all in good faith are welcome to come to the Chris Unification “Endowment” and sign up to spend eternity with Chris in the afterlife.
Amen.

pure_in_heart

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s